“When the sun has set, no candle can replace it.” George R. R. Martin
Rachel has love for her husband, but she’s no longer in love with him.
Rachel and her husband have been married for ten years and their relationship feels more like distant roommates than connected lovers who deeply care for one another. She shares with me that he’s a great guy, but that he is emotionally unavailable.
They’ve tried counseling. He refused to go back after the counselor pointed out that he is emotionally unavailable and verbally abusive.
They tried date nights. It felt like work.
She’s gone to a woman’s group and although it makes her feel better, that aspirin only lasts until she pulls up into the driveway.
They haven’t had sex in 4 years.
And my heart broke when Rachel told me, “He likes to have me here – not to share our lives but to fill the empty space. I deserve to be more than just dark matter taking up space in the emptiness of someone else’s life.”
Almost every day I speak to women who are married to what everyone else would consider to be a great guy. And they struggle with the gap – that sacred space – between having love for this great guy and being in love with him.
They’re not connected.
They don’t feel seen…..or heard, desired……or desirable.
They feel like they’re taking up space in someone else’ life, while their lives are passing before them….empty, lonely, and numb.
I love him, but I’m not in love with him.
This is when affairs can develop.
This is when depression can set-in.
This is when we fall asleep each night feeling like we’re simply going through the motions, existing on sleeping pills and too much wine.
That gap that exists between having love for someone and being in love with them is enormous.
Sometimes a bridge can be built when you’ve got two people working on each side to eventually meet in the middle.
But sometimes that gap is too wide to cross, too wide to find our way back to the great guy that we thought we would spend our lives with.
Those 10 words are significant in a relationship.
I love him, but I’m not in love with him.
It’s a turning point.
It’s time to pay attention to what has happened and do something about it.
It’s time to get clarity on whether or not this can be saved.
Or whether the bridge has become too far to cross.
So what does pay attention mean?
It means if we want different results, we will have to do the something different in our marriages.
It means if we want change in our marriages, it will require us to change first.
It means knowing how we want to feel in our most intimate relationships and then cultivating that in our own lives, as opposed to waiting for our husbands to make us feel that way.
Ready to solve this once and for all?
Ready to know whether this marriage can feel good again?
Ready to leave behind the regrets, judgements, guilt and fears?
