“…Your boundaries are both necessary for you and helpful for them. If you have been enabling them to be irresponsible, your limit setting may nudge them toward responsibility.” Henry Cloud
B. did this to keep the peace in their life and their marriage. She didn’t like altercations or drama.
But her over-taking responsibility for him led to him under-taking responsibility for himself.
As human beings, we all look for the path of least resistance. That’s what he was doing by not showing up for himself and his roles of husband and father.
That’s also what she was doing by adjusting her actions to avoid having the difficult conversations.
To change that would require her to step back and create more space for him to take an active role in the kids’ lives.
It would mean she would have to stop over-taking responsibility for his emotions and his triggers; those would need to become his to manage.
It would mean she would have to have some difficult conversations and set new and healthy boundaries.
I know we’ve been taught that being “nice” or being “the good wife” means that we orient our lives to accommodate everyone else (even at the expense of ourselves). But in doing so, we enable our partner and create co-dependent relationships where neither partner steps into their power.
If you recognize yourself in this, then maybe it’s time to unwind the codependency inside the relationship. Let’s see if there’s a fit for you and I to work together.