“Your children will become who you are; so be who you want them to be.” -David Bly
My new client and I met for the first time on our first video coaching session. It is during this first session that I understand all the details about the struggles in the marriage and how she got to this place of disconnection and confusion after 30 years with her husband.
She told me about the major challenges they faced as a family that created stress and division.
She told me about how they really struggled to communicate and understand one another.
She told me about her fears, her guilt, her second-guessing and unwillingness to forgive him for all the hurts created over the years.
She doesn’t claim to be fault-less and knows she can be controlling, indecisive, uptight and anxious at times.
She characterizes her husband as smart, thoughtful, affectionate and competitive (is successful in life, and often needs to be right).
She is the one who worries enough for both of them, while he’s laid back and easy-going.
During this first session, I always ask the question: “What did you learn at home growing-up about what love and marriage looked like?”
Not surprisingly, here’s what she told me:
- Her mother was always busy as the controller around the house and wore the pants in the marriage.
- Her father worked outside the home, was laid back and always showed-up with a smile.
- She told me she had formed a closer relationship with her dad than she did with her mom because he was easier to be around and didn’t heap as many expectations upon her.
My client had become like her busy and controlling mother.
And she had married a version of her easy-going, happy father.
She had learned to have tremendously high expectations for herself, her husband and her kids.
She came by it honestly…
Most of us do.
We learn what love and marriage are supposed to look like based upon what we saw growing-up at home.
This is where we learned how to love and who to love.
This is where those patterns – both good and bad – get carried down through generations.
As her coach, I have been able to watch how she has so bravely challenged all those expectations she had of herself and those she loved.
She is now able to appreciate her husband’s laid-back nature because it helps calm her and keep her present. When she freed herself from those childhood roles and patterns, she’s now showing up as the woman and the wife she wants to be and her marriage has completely transformed.
There are usually some good things we learned about love and marriage growing-up, and there are usually some things that get in the way of having the kind of marriage we really want. Once you can identify the roadblocks, you can interrupt those patterns in order to create a different result for yourself and your marriage.
If you’d like help in navigating this so that, much like my client, you can transform your marriage very quickly, then let’s see if there’s a fit for you and I to work together. Here’s where you can find out more and apply for a complimentary Truth & Clarity session.