“The key problem I encounter working with wounded, depressed, and unhappy people is a lack of connection…starting from a disconnection from themselves and then with others.” David W. Earle
After 23 years together, Pamela finally reached out for help.
In her application to me she shared, He is not there for me emotionally. We don’t hug, we don’t kiss, we don’t touch. I feel empty and unwanted. I’m not sure how much longer I can take it. I don’t know how to leave and I don’t know how to stay.
But Pamela’s words could be any of the hundreds of other women that reach out to me each month.
She’s lost and doesn’t know what next step to take.
She feels empty and lonely, even though he’s there physically.
She’s in a disconnected marriage and I understand it.
In my marriage to my first husband, if I could have told him what I needed each day to make me feel loved and adored, he would have tried to check off those boxes each day – at least for a while. But he didn’t know how to demonstrate his love for me and I didn’t know how to tell him to do it (and I kind of didn’t want to have to tell him…I wanted it to be more organic than that).
A Molehill Turns into a Mountain
The disconnection we feel in our marriages doesn’t happen in an instant….
Like the moment when your husband tells you he’s been unfaithful to you…and the bottom drops out…
Like the minute you’ve caught him in a lie…and you’re wondering if you even know him at all….
No, a disconnected marriage happens slowly over time. It happens where no one individual issue is a big enough deal to bring up so you let all the little oversights slide…until they end up amounting to a big, gaping hole in the center of your heart.
- Enough times of working late when he could have chosen to be home with you and the family…
- Enough times of choosing to numb out in front of the TV or computer when he could have chosen to catch up with you about your goals, fears and dreams…the opportunity to really see and hear you…
- Enough times of getting angry with you when he was stressed because there was no one else to take it out on…
And before you know it, that molehill is a mountain that’s very difficult to scale and the distance between the two of you if too far to cross.
What I Know
But here’s what I know…..
The distance doesn’t shrink magically on its own; like anything worthwhile, it takes effort and intention.
It takes open, honest, vulnerable communication.
It takes you dropping the stories of all the ways it doesn’t work in order to see the ways it does work.
Now, don’t get me wrong; unlike so many people out there, I do not have an agenda for your life. I have no vested interest in you either saving your marriage or walking away from it; my agenda is only to help guide you back home to who you really are and live a life that feels really good…..
…because even though I don’t know you (yet), I know you deserve a happy life, filled with loving and connected relationships. Want to know how I know that? Because we all deserve that.