“But when you are attracted to someone it’s because of the details…their kindness…their eyes…their smile…the fact that they can get you to laugh when you need it most.” Unknown Author
Some people are attracted to their partners and think they’re good looking – even when they’re not getting along well or even when they’re considering ending the marriage. One of my clients told me about how her husband is a good looking man and that attraction, from her perspective, has never been a problem.
Some people aren’t attracted to their partners and don’t want to be (because they carry a lot of resentments). One of my clients has been on the receiving end of personal insults and name calling for years. If my husband called me the names he has called her, I wouldn’t ever want to curl up next to that again either.
Some people aren’t attracted to their partners, but want to be. One of my clients wants to fall back in love with her husband again and desire him the way she used to…but doesn’t know how.
Sometimes we think of attraction as purely physical, as though physical attractiveness is an absolute, rather than simply one person’s perspective. But we all know someone who we don’t find attractive at all, but a friend thinks they’re incredibly handsome.
Sometimes we think of attraction as though it’s based on deservability. When our partners are being sweet and treating us kindly, we feel more attracted to them. And when their behaviors don’t align with our vision, we don’t feel attraction.
And sometimes we think of attraction as magical, where it’s there one day and gone the next. We assume that once it’s gone, there’s nothing we can do to bring it back.
Attraction is not just about the physicality of people.
It’s certainly not about whether or not they are deserving of our attraction.
And even when attraction wanes…it can be re-ignited (IF YOU WANT IT TO…this last part is important….)
In our marriages we tend to focus upon the things that aren’t working or the things we want to change. And we tend to pay almost no attention to the things that seem to flow easily between us.
Instead, we focus a great deal of our attention on the things about our partners that hurt us or drive us crazy…rather than the things we respect, admire or love about them.
And because whatever we focus upon only becomes greater in our experience, we can’t seem to escape the things about our partners that keep us from feeling attracted to them.
What to do Instead
Here’s what to do if you want to rebuild attraction between you and your partner:
- Focus on the good.
- Focus on the things you love about him / her.
- See the things that seem effortless in the relationship.
- How he makes you laugh.
- The way she shares her heart with others.
- The way he smiles at you as he hands you a morning cup of coffee.
- How her eyes light up when she’s excited about something.
- The way he loves and engages with the kids.
Find the things you adore and focus there.
Whatever you focus upon will become bigger in your experience. Do this every day for 2-3 weeks and just watch to see if your attraction doesn’t slowly return.
Want to explore rebuilding attraction and overcoming the challenges you’re facing inside your marriage? Complete this online application for a complimentary Truth & Clarity session where we’ll explore if there’s a fit for us to work together.