“The longest journey you will make is the 18 inches from your head to your heart.” Moikanos
For months you’ve wanted to feel like a priority in his life…more important than work, more important than golf, and more important than his buddies or football or drinking…
For years, you’ve wanted to feel like you have a partner in this life and in this marriage and not feel like you have to manage everything all on your own, all the time…
And for at least a decade you’ve wanted him to show you some affection, some attention, something that makes you feel attractive and desired…
You’ve talked about it….
You’ve fought about it….
You’ve withdrawn and disconnected from it because it’s too painful to look at directly over and over…
But nothing changed.
And over the years, the disconnect between the two of you grew wider and wider…
Until you feel so empty, alone and checked-out in your marriage that you actually consider leaving.
You may have even filled that emptiness in the arms of someone else.
You let him know you want a separation.
And NOW everything changes…Now he’s paying attention…Now he’s trying…
But it feels like too little, too late.
His kind gestures don’t make you want to curl up next to him…
The lack of fighting doesn’t make you want to share your heart with him…
The good behavior isn’t enough.
And to a certain degree, you beat yourself up about it because now he’s doing everything you’ve wanted him to do for months or years or decades, but your feeling towards him haven’t changed.
Here’s why:
You’re now solving for a different problem.
Where you used to be looking for him to take actions that would make you feel important, loved or desired…now the actions don’t move the needle.
The actions don’t make you feel like you can trust him with your heart.
The actions don’t make you feel safe and the actions don’t make you WANT to reconnect.
Now the problem you’re solving for is, Can you let him into your heart again? Can you forgive him? Can you feel the way you want to feel in your most intimate relationship with him…now?
Feelings are not actions, just like emotions are not intellect.
So you cannot force your heart to feel what your head thinks it should feel.
So while actions don’t hurt that process of softening our hearts, the actions are no longer the balm they might have been to your marriage so long ago. Don’t shame yourself for that. Just realize you’re now solving a different problem now.
