I was married to a perfectly nice, stable man for 11 years. Safe and picture-perfect from the outside, my marriage still left me feeling lonely and disconnected inside.When I left my marriage in my late 30s, I attempted to navigate the dating terrain, making more than my fair share of mistakes. I fell in love with men that didn’t deserve that gift, and had my heart broken more than once. I cried more in the 12 months that followed than I had my entire life.
Being broken wide open, I had no choice but to create space to heal my heart. It was then that I was able to attract the kind of love into my life that I had always desired. I am now married to the love of my life and have both security and commitment, as well as passion and connection.
Each time I have the opportunity to share my story, women emerge from all parts of the world and tell me that my story is just like their story. Most of the time, they identify with the story of my marriage or broken heart and they also want love in their lives. Most of the time, they’ve got questions: “How long did it take to get over it?” “What books were helpful to you?” “How did you meet your husband?” And because we meet online: “Which website did you use?”
Most of us mistakenly think the answer to finding love lies in the logistics of what we’re doing. We crave answers in bullet points and an action plan that will get us across the finish line. We create rules for ourselves to try and make sense of difficult situations. We think we should be able to get past broken hearts immediately, wondering which book contains the magic answers. We may feel pressure to frequent the “right” places to meet the love of our lives.
But the truth is that finding love in our lives has nothing to do with the logistics of what we are doing — where we’re going or what tools we’re using.
Finding love has absolutely everything to do with being. How we act and perceive ourselves determines who we attract. If we are able to exist in our bodies and minds in the present, with a sense of acceptance and self-love, we can attract the kind of love into our lives that we desire. Here’s the road map:
1. Create your vision for love.
Get a crystal clear vision of love you want in your life. Forget the physical attributes and the checklist of must-haves and deal-breakers you’ve been carrying around either mentally or physically. Instead, create the vision based upon what you want to feel when you find this person.
- How do you want to feel when the one that you adore wraps their arms around you?
- How do you want to feel when you wake up next to them in the morning?
- How do you want to feel when you’re walking down the street with Your Love?
- How do you want to express your love to the one you adore?
- How will you feel about yourself when you can love freely and be loved?
2. Remember that we attract what we are.
Name the traits your ideal partner is going to need to have: Strong? Kind? Loving? Affectionate? Compassionate? Confident? Honest? Committed? Intentional?
Once I got really emotionally healthy that the players stepped back and confident, kind and loving stepped forward. It was only when I got really honest with myself that truth, honesty and commitment made an appearance in the form of my partner. I had to become the type of person I was wanting to attract into my life.
3. Show up in love.
Create space for this love to come into your life. Show up to every encounter with an open heart. Be genuinely interested in people and ask them questions about their lives and their desires. Join a dating website if it feels easy and fun …. or don’t. It doesn’t matter. Work on becoming the best version of yourself and your ideal partner that you’re been trying to find will actually find you.