“neither of us is happy
but neither of us wants to leave
so we keep breaking one another
and calling it love.”
-Rupi Kaur, Milk and Honey
One of my clients recently shared with me an analogy of how her marriage had been like chandelier over the last ten years:
- The day he told her he was no longer attracted to her…a light in the chandelier went out.
- The time she caught him texting a co-worker inappropriately…a light went out.
- The time when he got so angry at their son that he pushed him…a light went out.
- Everyday that he would “punish” her by giving her the silent treatment…a light in the chandelier would go out.
- The time when she was grieving the loss from a miscarriage all alone because he didn’t know what to say or do…another light went out.
- When he mocked and belittled her in front of their daughter…a light went out.
- When he began staying at work later and later, only to come home and hibernate himself in front of the TV with a beer, while she went to bed alone…a light went out.
- When he made fun of her for reading books that she thought might improve the marriage…a light went out.
- When he refused to go to couples counseling with her…a light went out.
- And when she noticed that the relationship was leaving her consistently physically and emotionally drained…the chandelier went completely dark.
That’s when she remembers catching a glimpse of herself in the bathroom mirror and saying out loud, “My marriage is over.”
It wasn’t met with anger or rage.
It wasn’t expressed with despair or anxiety.
The truth was just there, staring back at her in the mirror that day.
There was sadness…but mostly there was indifference…
…to the knowing she had, ”My marriage is over.”
Marriages never end in a moment of upheaval.
Even when it seems to blow-up all at once, I promise there were many things that led to that blow-up prior to it occurring.
Marriages end slowly…gradually…through small hurts and betrayals over the course of years.
If you feel (or fear) that your marriage is over, I invite you to join me for my free webinar, UNDOING I DO: How to Unwind and Lovingly Release a Failing Marriage. You can register here.