“Better to be hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie.” Khaled Hosseini
Inside my program, The Decision, many of the women have had (or are currently having) an affair of some variety. They know that my community is a safe space for them to process what’s happening in their lives without judgment.
One of the most common questions I get asked is:
Do I have to say goodbye to my affair partner in order to get clarity?
They’re looking for me to tell them what to do….which of course I don’t.
Here’s what I tell them:
I am not going to tell you what to do because this isn’t about my answer for your life. Plus, if I tell you that, “yes, you should stop your affair”…you likely won’t be able to do that and then you’ll be hiding things from me. And when my clients aren’t transparent with me, I can only be so helpful to them. So I want them to feel safe making their own decisions AND telling me the truth.
Here’s what I will tell you: You cannot say you’re working on your marriage, while you’re still in a relationship with an affair partner. That’s not a real thing. So if you truly want to try to see if your marriage can evolve, then you need to honor that choice and give it the very best opportunity of succeeding.
If you don’t want to work on your marriage – if you’re done trying – that’s okay…but then you’ve got quite a bit to move through in order to un-wind the marriage (which means you’re not in any mental or emotional place to go rushing into something new immediately).
Your desire to rush into something new is all based in fear, and anything entered into from a place of fear isn’t going to thrive.
So while many people have the common question of: Do I have to end it with my affair partner?
A better question to ask is: Do I truly want to give my marriage the very best shot of evolving to something that can feel good before throwing in the towel? And the answer should only be a “yes” or a “no.”
I honor either answer because either way it’s you being truthful with yourself. And you cannot be truthful with anyone else until you can tell yourself the full truth.
Affairs add a great deal of confusion and inner turmoil to an already very difficult decision. If you find yourself living what feels like a double life and you’re trying to navigate your way to clarity, I’m your guide. Let’s explore whether or not there’s a fit for you and I to work together.