“Surveillance rarely breeds trust.” Esther Perel
Joannie found out about her husband’s affair with a co-worker six weeks ago, and ever since, it’s been an emotional roller-coaster.
He’s saying all the right things and has apologized, yet she still can’t trust his words.
She’s not sleeping or eating much. She goes from angry to rejected to sad to worrisome. She’s having random panic attacks.
And in an attempt to keep herself safe, she’s monitoring everything he does.
… He needs to call her while he’s on his way into work and on his way home.
… She asks him every day if he saw her at work that day and what their interaction entailed.
… Via text, she checks in with him throughout the day.
… She looks at his phone, his social media accounts, his What’sApp account, his emails, and the credit card statements.
… She hasn’t yet told him that she placed a tracking device on his car, and that’s how she found out about the affair in the first place.
But, she tells me, “I don’t want to be THAT woman. I don’t want to track and monitor everything he does. It’s making me crazy.”
I totally understand, because while it seems impossible to not pay much closer attention, it will never feel good. And on top of that, it will never get you what you want.
What you want is to feel safe.
You want to have peace of mind.
What you want is to get some of your power back.
Here’s the truth about it:
No matter how much you monitor all of your partner’s actions, you cannot actually prevent someone from cheating or betraying the marriage. Plus, if they’re only on “good behavior” because they’re being watched, then you will have to keep this up forever in order to attempt to control the situation.
What you’re wanting is to be chosen by your partner — for him or her to stand beside you because there’s nowhere else they’d rather be; not because they’ll get caught if they do otherwise.
To get your power back, you DO have to have a clear boundary around what you’ll do if it happens again. And you need to communicate that boundary to your partner.
- Trust yourself and let go of the tracking, monitoring, and controlling.
- If you found out once, trust your gut will alert you if it happens again.
- Trust yourself that if it happens again, you will have your OWN back, and you will honor yourself.
Almost no marriage can heal after an affair without a professional helping to guide them through it. Who do you have in your corner?
If you’d like to explore working together, you can schedule a complimentary Truth & Clarity session with a member of my team to see if there’s a fit for you and I to work together.