“The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving.” Elizabeth Gilbert
Rachel has love for her husband, but she’s no longer in love with him.
Rachel and her husband have been married for ten years and their relationship feels more like distant roommates than connected lovers who deeply care for one another. She shares with me that he’s a great guy – even a good looking man – but there’s no longer a closeness or intimacy that she desperately wants.
They’ve tried counseling. He refused to go back after the counselor pointed out that he is emotionally unavailable.
They tried date nights. It felt like work.
She goes out with her girlfriends and although it makes her feel better, that aspirin only lasts until she pulls back into the driveway.
And my heart broke when Rachel told me, “He likes to have me here – not to share our lives but to fill the empty space. I deserve to be more than just dark matter taking up space in the emptiness of someone else’s life.”
Almost every day I speak to women who are married to what everyone else would consider to be a great guy. And they struggle with the gap – that sacred space – between caring about and having love for this great guy and being in love with him.
They’re not connected.
They don’t feel seen…..or heard, desired……or desirable.
They feel like they’re taking up space in someone else’ life, while their lives are passing before them….empty, lonely, and numb.
That’s what it’s like to feel love for someone, but no longer be in love with them.
This is when affairs can develop.
This is when depression can set-in.
This is when we fall asleep each night feeling like we’re simply going through the motions, existing on sleeping pills and too much wine.
That gap that exists between having love for someone and being in love with them is enormous.
Sometimes a bridge can be built between two people who’ve grown apart.
But sometimes that gap is too wide to cross, too wide to find our way back to the great guy that we thought we would spend our lives with.
The realization of no longer being in love is significant in a relationship.
It’s a turning point.
It’s time to pay attention to what has happened and do something about it.
It’s time to get clarity on whether or not this can be saved.
Or whether the bridge has become too far to cross.
So what does pay attention mean?
It means if we want different results, we will have to do the something different in our marriages.
It means if we want change in our marriages, it will require us to change first.
It means knowing how we want to feel in our most intimate relationships and then cultivating that in our own lives, as opposed to waiting for our partners to make us feel that way.
Ready to solve this once and for all?
Ready to know whether this marriage can feel good again?
Ready to leave behind the regrets, judgments, guilt and fears?
I am a Master Life Coach specializing in marriage and relationships. This is an invitation to complete an online application to potentially receive a complimentary Truth & Clarity session. Together, we’ll see if I can help and if there’s a fit for us to work together.
