“Do not fear failure but rather fear not trying.” Roy T. Bennett
Fixing our relationship just seems so hard…
Maybe it would just be easier to find someone who has the qualities I want in an intimate relationship…
It’s probably not going to work. Why bother trying?
When you’ve been with your partner for decades and struggling for years, it might seem like the easier option is to quit on the relationship all together.
I have a client who likes to watch movies; he husband doesn’t. Surely it wouldn’t be that difficult to find someone who likes to watch movies and would go see a movie with her….
I have a client who is super-successful in business; her husband, although employed, isn’t terribly enthusiastic about his career and therefore has never experienced much success at work. It wouldn’t be that difficult for a successful woman to find an equally successful man, would it?
I have another client who wants connection, intimacy and closeness; her husband doesn’t know how to give her that. Maybe it would just be easier to find someone who knows how to give and receive that kind of connected love and wants that for themselves as well…
I always tell my clients: You could stay and do what it takes to make the relationship feel good or you could leave the relationship and go create the kind of relationship you want. Either is an option for you. But whatever decision you make, you’d better feel good about why you’ve chosen to make that decision.
And my guess is that if you make the decision to leave the marriage because it just felt like it would be too difficult and you wanted to take what felt like the easier path, you won’t like that answer in the long-run. You’ll second-guess that decision time and again, potentially having years of regret for not trying harder before throwing in the towel.
Whereas, if you give it your very best effort: try new relationship tools, interrupt old patterns, learn how to better communicate and it still doesn’t work, then you have an answer that you can make peace with and move forward from without regret. That doesn’t make it easy, but it does give you an internal knowing that you did everything you could, and you can feel good about that.
Why We Do This
I’m going to give this to you very directly. Here’s why we do this:
Your fears tell you, “why bother trying?” so that you won’t try and fail. That’s the net of it.
If you don’t try, then you won’t ever fail.
And if you never fail, then you’ll never feel the shame or negative emotion associated with failing.
The truth is, you’re just choosing to fail in advance by not ever truly trying.
And long-term, failing in advance by not ever trying will never feel good. You’ll never feel comfort with that decision.
So the answer to the question of “Why bother?” is so that you know you made your very best effort before making the painful decision to walk away.
And that’s a decision that you can live with and feel peaceful about.
Or alternatively, it could work and your marriage could completely transform. What do you have to lose by trying? Only the fear of it not working…
If you want to know you’ve given your struggling marriage your very best effort before walking away, you’re going to need the very best relationship tools. That’s where I come in… I will help you give your marriage your very best effort so that you can come to answer that you can live with and not regret, regardless of whether you choose to stay or go. Here’s how to take the next step for yourself.