We are Choosing What We Experience

I was talking with a friend recently who has been single for quite some time now after a divorce from his wife of 8 years. He was telling me about dates he has been on, women he has met, and how he just can’t seem to find anyone he is interested in. He said “I would like to have someone in my life, but there just isn’t anyone out there.”  He asked me if I thought he was “damaged”, or if he “just wasn’t capable of being in a relationship” any more.

I said, “I think that there is a part of you that genuinely wants to have a loving relationship, but there is another part of you – a stronger part of you – that does not want that. If that weren’t absolutely true…you would have it by now.”

Whatever it is we are experiencing in our lives, we have because we are CHOOSING it, either consciously or unconsciously.

Wait. What?

Yes, whatever we are experiencing, we are actually choosing on some level.

It does not matter if it’s something we view as either positive or negative. If the larger, louder, stronger part of us wasn’t choosing that, it wouldn’t be our experience.

Even if we intellectually believe that we want something but we don’t yet have the experience of it in our lives, there is a part of ourselves that actually DOESN’T want the outcome. And that part of ourselves is the one that is driving our experiences.


Let’s say you want to have a relationship that feels strong and loving, but what you actually have is far from that in your marriage. There is a part of you that actually doesn’t want that…

  • There is a part of you that is so afraid of failing or being rejected that you never really try to make yourself vulnerable and heal your current relationship.
  • There is a part of you that doesn’t believe it’s possible to have a strong, loving relationship with your current partner and is not ready to face the possible outcome that in order to have that kind of a relationship for yourself, you might have to leave the current relationship.
  • There is a part of you that knows it is possible to feel accepted and loving in your relationship, but it will require a lot from you in terms of personal growth and frankly, you’re not sure if you’re up to all that work.


This hard truth – that we’re either intentionally or unintentionally choosing the experience we’re having in our lives – is both irritating and empowering.

  • It’s irritating because… well… frankly it makes us feel a little better to think that it’s outside of our control. It does, doesn’t it?
  • But it’s empowering because once we’re willing to go there and really understand what the unconscious thoughts are that are keeping us from what we think we want, we can create almost anything in our lives.

You get to choose how to view this information:

  • You can reject it because it’s not the easy answer you’d like to hear, or…
  • You can take action, diving-into understanding how you’re contributing to the issues you’re experiencing and learning how to do it differently.

I’m right here if you’re ready. Schedule your exploratory session with me now.