Good Behavior?

Good behavior or lasting change?

No one comes to the heartbreaking and painful decision to end a marriage lightly. So when you come to the decision and then share that with your spouse, it can be confusing when they suddenly start to do all the things that you’ve been asking and begging for for years. Is it good behavior or lasting change?

So today we are talking about when you come to the decision that the marriage is over but then all of a sudden your wife does a complete 180. What does it look like? Why does it happen? I have seen this hundreds of times, so maybe this will resonate with you.

Maybe she becomes a changed person and starts doing all the things. She’s bringing you coffee in the morning, asking your opinion more, listening closely to what you say. Maybe she’s more attentive or affectionate and more interested in sex than before. Maybe she is more appreciative and complimentary.  Is this good behavior or lasting change?

She starts changing all the things and you are wondering why hasn’t it changed before? Why isn’t it changing your heart or why don’t you feel differently? Why don’t you want to give it another chance? This would have been exactly what you wanted a few years ago but now it’s not changing how you feel about your marriage.

He is why. No one comes to a decision to end their marriage lightly or quickly for that matter. You have probably been struggling for many years, maybe even a decade. Disconnected marriages happen very slowly and the disconnect happens overtime. So, no one thing would be enough to end the marriage, but all the little things that have added up over the years become something significant.

Think of it like a rope bridge. When you first set out across the bridge it is sturdy and strong. As time goes by a tiny string of the rope breaks. This happens over and over throughout the span of years, in different places all throughout the bridge. Each of those tiny fibers are kind of insignificant on their own, but overtime those add up and eventually the bridge is too weak to use. Maybe even broken in spots. We try to put it back together, but we can’t really do that. That’s what happens inside of our marriages.

Good behavior, kindness and consideration can work when you are just slightly off course but when you’ve become so disconnected over the course of many years, it can take a lot more than good behavior to bring it back together. Sometimes the disconnect can be bridged and sometimes it can’t.

That’s based on two factors: one is how your partner is showing up, and the other is how open are you to receive the love that’s being offered.

Maybe it is good behavior and maybe it is lasting change, but If your marriage is falling apart and you want to know what you can do, and how to do it, I invite you schedule a complimentary Exploratory session.