What If It Goes Back To The Way It Was?

Will it go back to the way it was?

“If I become happy inside my marriage will it go back to the way it was?” This is a question that I have been asked many times. Sometimes when we come through difficult experiences inside of our marriage and we find our way to a better place on the other side, we’re very worried that that’s not going to last and that we’re going to go back to the way that we were.

That was my client Jim’s fear. He had been thinking about leaving his marriage for about 7 years or so when we began working together. After our time together had come to an end and things got to a much better place he had this fear come up.  One night, he said to his wife over dinner, “I love you and I’m really glad to be here and I’m glad that we’re choosing one another.”  He noticed as he was saying this that fear cropped up. He said that he was afraid that if he told her that he was happy and that he was choosing the marriage that she would then take her foot off the gas, go back to old behaviors and they would end up back in the same spot where they started.

Here’s the problem with that. When he feels like that, he thinks he has to keep pushing and pushing and never really be happy. He feel like it is better for him to never reach a place of contentment so that she will keep doing the behaviors that have helped the marriage get to a better place.  This is not true and I want to offer another path to you just like I did Jim.

What if you didn’t have to keep your foot on the gas in order to try to control her behaviors? What if you just kept making yourself vulnerable and showing up like you have been?

What if you keep genuinely appreciating her, communicating more, sharing your feelings, and she just keeps responding to you?

What if you take an action and she has a reaction?

As long as you keep showing up for the relationship, good things will probably happen and she will probably respond to that. That feels better than having to keep your foot on the gas and never being fully content so that you don’t fall back into the same pattern. So why not try that?

Fear is going to show up  in our relationships, but when you find yourself in a better place this is not about keeping your foot on the gas to control your partners behaviors. It’s about you showing up consistently as the man you want to be and then noticing your partners reaction.