Have you noticed any of these red flags?

“You don’t have to go collecting red flags.” Steve Harvey

Many of my clients have had affairs. It’s much more common than you think…

Plus they know they won’t be judged by me, so they’re safe here. #affairsanonymous

When you found your affair partner, you were likely in one of the least healthy and happy emotional places you’ve ever been in your life:

  • You were unhappy and struggling in your marriage…feeling lost and alone…
  • You were confused…not knowing what to do to shift the struggles in the marriage…
  • You felt trapped, because the thought of leaving was terrifying and felt utterly impossible…after all…he’s a good guy

We attract people who are at the same level of mental and emotional health as we are at that time. Like attracts like.

So it’s easy to see how we find fellow lost, confused and emotionally unhealthy people, there’s resonance there. We finally feel like somebody understands us and that we’re not alone.

And that’s a powerful feeling. It’s a comforting feeling, especially when you’re in the midst of a storm. Believe me, I know….

But that resonance causes us to overlook or become blind to some important red flags in the affair partner. For instance:

  • He / she calls or text you in the middle of the night while your spouse is sleeping two feet away. Red flag. They’re being self-serving because they want to talk to you in that specific moment and feel entitled to be able to have access to you whenever he/she wants without boundaries.
  • He / she gives you ultimatums, such as if you don’t leave your marriage by the end of the month, we’re done. Red flag. They’re being manipulative in order to get their needs met.
  • He / she threatens to tell your spouse about the affair. BIG red flag. This is an attempt to control and manipulate the situation so that they get what they want – without thinking about you, your kids, your family and the shit-storm of hurt and pain that will cause to people you care about. Plus it’s a sign of deep insecurity because it’s making the assumption that you’d rather be with them than be alone if the marriage ends in a shitstorm.

I’m telling you from the heart here…..

I’ve been on all sides of affairs before I met my (second) husband, D.

I have been involved with someone when I wasn’t available, I have been cheated on myself, and I have been the other woman.

While you have responsibility for your situation, your affair partner does as well. He or she is an adult making adult decisions to get involved with someone who isn’t available. They walked into your relationship knowing the circumstances.

  • So they don’t get to call the shots…
  • They don’t get to make demands, threats, ultimatums…
  • They don’t get to blow-up your life just because they’re not getting their way.

All of these behaviors are huge red flags, and signs of immense emotional immaturity.

At any point, they could have made the decision for themselves that they don’t want to be with someone who isn’t available, and to have their heart tied up in someone they may never be able to have as a true partner. And yet, they walked into this with eyes wide open. 

They get to make their choices for their life.
You get to make choices for your life.
And each of you gets to live with the consequences and outcomes of those choices.

What you shouldn’t do is overlook unhealthy, controlling or manipulative behavior.

You don’t have to collect lots of red flags before making a decision that honors you. You can take one or two red flags and tell yourself the truth about how ready they are (or aren’t) to show up as an emotional adult in a relationship with you, should you ever become available.

Affair relationships that I’ve seen work long-term involve people who own their choices and don’t apply pressure or make demands of the other.

If you’re feeling stuck trying to figure out if you can turn the marriage around or if you could have a life with your affair partner, I’d love to see if I can help you. You can schedule a complimentary Truth & Clarity session with a member of my team to see if there’s a fit for us to work together.

Have you noticed any of these red flags?