“If you would be different, I would feel better.” Abraham-Hicks
If there is one teaching I have learned throughout the years that has made the greatest difference in my life and my most important relationships, it is this:
“If you would be different, I would feel better.”
I know it’s not intuitive, so let me explain and give this life for you so you can benefit as I did……
If I walked up to virtually any woman on the street and asked her, “Can you change a man?” My guess is that 90% of those women would say, “No.”
We’ve been told this principle for so long – and many of us have tried it for ourselves with very little success – that we intellectually know that it’s not really possible to change someone.
But that doesn’t stop us from trying……although mostly, unintentionally.
Here’s how it shows up:
- We tell our spouses, “You never listen to me.” But what they’re really saying is: If you would listen to me, I would feel more seen and understood.
- We tell our girlfriends, “My husband and I barely talk anymore. We only talk about the house and the kids.” But what they’re really saying is: If he would communicate more, I would feel more important and special to him.
I’ve heard men say….
- “Lately, all she does is nag me.” But what he’s really saying is: If my wife wouldn’t be so critical, I would feel more appreciated.
- He complains to his partner, “We haven’t even so much as touched each other in weeks. We hardly have sex anymore.” But what he’s really saying is: If you would be more loving and affectionate, I would feel more loved and desired.
So although we intellectually KNOW we cannot change anyone else, that doesn’t keep us from attempting to do it. And since no one taught us how to do this…there was no Making Relationships Work class…we’ve been messing it up for a little while.
So here’s how I personally use it in my life and my relationships:
If there’s something I need or want, I communicate that…in love…without making it mean there’s something deficient in my husband because he didn’t intuitively know exactly what I needed. A complaint is just a really bad way to express what you need; it’s so much easier to just tell him what you need.
I take responsibility for my own happiness and how I feel day-to-day. I no longer look to the people surrounding me to make me feel happy based upon how their day is going. Instead, I do whatever it is I need to do on that day to make me feel really, really good.
I love and accept the people who are important to me as they are…even when they drive me crazy…even when my patience is tested…but with healthy boundaries for myself…and it’s made all the difference.
Ready to stop needing your husband to change so you can feel better or loved or valuable or worthy?
I can show you how.