“Courage is the most important of all the virtues because without courage, you can’t practice any other virtue consistently.” Dr. Maya Angelou
Last week, I opened my membership program, The Decision. All with hopes of it being my biggest launch ever.
One of the things we heard from many women who attended but didn’t choose to join the program was, “I don’t want to try; my heart’s not in it anymore.”
They were done with their marriage…
The women had tried what they knew to try, and it hadn’t made things better…
They weren’t interested in trying to make it better…
But that doesn’t mean that they were ready to start navigating divorce either.
I understand this. If I’m being honest, it’s how I felt before I made the difficult decision to end my first marriage.
I had given up on my marriage…
But I never shared that I had given up on our marriage with my husband years before making the decision to actually end it.
It’s a regret I carry with me today.
That wasn’t fair to him, and it wasn’t the right thing to do – to NOT communicate something so life-changing for the both of us.
So while I understand that feeling, I wanted to take these women by the shoulders and share with them: “I know you’ve given up, and I know this is really difficult stuff. But your husband has no idea that you’ve got one foot out the door and are ready to call it quits on your marriage. That’s an important piece of information that he needs to know.”
If my current husband (now my 2nd marriage) had one foot out the door, I would want to know. Frankly, I think I’d deserve to know.
So if you are at that place in your marriage where you have given up and your heart’s not in it anymore, your next step is to communicate that to your spouse.
You don’t have to say, “I want a divorce.”
But you DO have to say, “I need you to know that I am at the point where I have given up on changing our marriage. I’m not yet ready to tell you that it’s time to begin navigating divorce, but I need you to know that I’m close to that point. If that’s not the outcome you want, now is the time to show me that you want something different. That you can change in an effort to make our marriage better.”
Is it scary to say your heart’s not in it anymore? Is it easier to just keep pretending until you’re ready to walk out the door?
Yes, of course.
But if you don’t face that fear and communicate where you are in the marriage, it will be something you will look back on and know that you could have done better.
Navigating marital struggles is not for the faint of heart, which means you have to find your courage and SAY what needs to be said. You could wait until you’ve decided to leave and then tell your husband – when it’s too late to create a different outcome – but you will also live with that forever.
Find your courage. Honor your heart. Say what needs to be said.