“Gaslighting qualifies as a form of emotional abuse that involves denying a person’s experience and making statements, such as ‘that never happened,’ ‘you’re too sensitive,’ or ‘this isn’t that big a deal.’” Dr. Ramani Durvasula
There are many books, articles, videos and resources that define gaslighting and how it can manifest inside of relationships. It’s scapegoating, lying, and manipulation, but also shifting the blame onto you (rather than taking responsibility for their own actions), and invalidating your feelings and experiences.
But what we read about gaslighting is all about their behavior and how we can identify it. It doesn’t tell you what to actually do about it.
For everyone that gaslights their partner, there is a partner willing to be gaslit. It’s how we come together, almost as puzzle pieces. And if you believe you’re being gaslit, that is where your work lies.
You’re not broken. You’re not being overly sensitive. You’re certainly not crazy. But you’re probably in denial about this to some degree.
You think:
Maybe he has a point…
He doesn’t mean it….
He’s a good person…
He’s trying to do better…
It’s not that bad…
He denies your feelings and your experience, but you deny the treatment he’s exhibiting toward you. You’re both in denial and so the dysfunction continues and the damage to yourself deepens.
Let’s be honest, a lot of people on the planet don’t want to take responsibility for their choices, actions and behaviors. It’s so much easier to blame other people than it is to own our shit and make amends when we screw it up.
But think about it. Gaslighting doesn’t occur (or at a minimum ceases to be effective) the moment you stop and realize:
- No one can tell you about your experience….because it is, in fact, YOUR experience.
- You don’t need anyone else’s validation in order for it to be real and true for you.
- It’s impossible to be in a healthy relationship with someone who cannot own their own choices as a grown-ass adult.
There’s some part of us that puts up with this because we’re so afraid to lose the relationship, the storyline we’ve created, and the life we envisioned. But when we endure this for too long, we can lose something far worse than a marriage – we can lose ourselves in the process.
Don’t lose yourself in your marriage. If you feel like you’ve become a significantly smaller version of who you were created to be, let’s explore if there’s a fit for you and I to work together.