“Marriage is not slavery. Marriage is based on a love relationship deeply rooted in freedom … Love only exists where there is freedom.” Henry Cloud
There has been some conversation inside my community lately around whether or not freedom can exist inside of a marriage. A few people are ready to throw away the entire concept of marriage because they feel as though there is no freedom – for a woman – inside a marriage. While that used to be the case only one generation ago, that is not the case today.
I feel strongly that freedom needs to be a requirement in a healthy marriage. It cannot be optional.
- If I only love you when you’re doing as I want you to do…that’s not love, nor a healthy relationship. That’s control and manipulation.
- If I only love you when I feel that magical loving feeling…that’s not love, nor a healthy relationship. It’s wishful thinking.
- If I only love you if you will stay with me and promise to never leave…that’s not love, nor a healthy relationship. That’s fear and co-dependency.
As human beings, we need choice, otherwise, we can start to feel trapped or imprisoned. And no one wants their marriage to feel like a prison.
But sometimes, when we exercise that freedom of choice, it requires us to hear things we don’t want to hear:
- I disagree or I have a different perspective…
- I don’t want the same things as you…
- I don’t want to have sex tonight
- We have different priorities…
- Or even….I don’t love you anymore…
That’s why many people attempt to take away freedom in our intimate relationships. We cannot bear to hear that our beloved doesn’t want what we want. It hurts too much.
But if we are to truly love someone, it requires us to know them deeply. And to know them is to know the parts of them that are warm, cuddly and agreeable, as well as the parts of them that are confronting, challenging and triggering.
Plus (and this is important):
If you cannot fully own your “no,” then you cannot fully own your “yes” either.
If I cannot have and express a different opinion than you, then can you trust my words when I say that I agree with you?
If I cannot say “no” to having sex with you (ideally without punishment and pouting), then how can I fully own my “yes?”
If I cannot choose to end the relationship, then am I staying for the right reasons…or because I’m a prisoner?
And do you care that I’m only staying because I feel as though I HAVE to? And what does that say about you?
For a relationship to be healthy, we need freedom.
For a relationship to be healthy, we need choice.
And the relationship we have is a result of the 10,000 little choices each of us are making day-in and day-out…
…including the choice to love…because that, too, is a choice.
Are you trying to find that balance of creating more freedom inside your marriage – without necessarily having to throw it all away and shun marriage forever? It can be done when we learn how to communicate more directly and set healthy and loving boundaries for yourself.
Let’s explore if there’s a fit for us to work together.