“When your heart is broken, you plant seeds in the cracks and wait for rain.” Andrea Gibson
Monday, January 6th is here and it will be the single day in which the most divorce cases are filed. The madness of the holidays have worn off and there’s the new year energy that gives us the courage to tackle that next big challenge so that yet another year doesn’t go by feeling stuck and confused as it relates to your struggling marriage.
If divorce is a real possibility in the foreseeable future for you, there are some things to begin thinking about now. After all, divorce isn’t something each of us individually have done very often, so it’s not like we’re good at it. Oftentimes there are many things we don’t even think about or realize before we start taking action and it bites us in the butt later.
Yes, of course, lots of smart people will tell you to get your finances in order. Know what you have in terms of assets and debt, know where those accounts are held and the value or amount owed for each. That is wise advice because when it comes to dividing assets and liabilities in the future, if you stay in the math (the facts), you’ll be more likely to stay out of the drama (the emotions).
But here are 3 additional things to consider before you begin taking action:
How you start this process in terms of communicating your decision to your spouse will set the tone for how you will move through it. If it starts contentious, why in the world should you expect that you’re going to have an easy, peaceful divorce? So preparing to have the very difficult and very important conversation with your spouse is critical. You’ll be sharing a decision you’ve made that changes their life forever; they’re going to have feelings about that.
- Know what you’re going to say…
- Know when and where you’re going to have this conversation…
- Know where you’re going to go when the conversation is complete because you’re probably not going to sit down to family dinner together or want to curl up next to one another to sleep in the wake of telling your partner that you want to divorce.
Start to think about how you will tell the kids – even if they’re adults. The decision you’ve made will also impact their lives forever – and they, too, are going to have feelings about it.
- Younger kids will have fears that you’ll want to help them soften,
- Older kids may have anger or confusion which causes them to shut down from you, and
- Adult kids often have feelings, judgements, concerns and valid questions that you need to be prepared to answer in order to not damage your relationships long-term.
Even the most decided of people heading into divorce do what I call “the wobble.” At some point, they second-guess themselves and their decision.
- They may see their partners’ pain and / or a new willingness to try again and show-up differently that wasn’t there previously.
- They feel the sting of judgment from family or friends, considering what they will lose if they pursue divorce, which may be important relationships.
- They may feel a real sense of loneliness and begin to miss some of the things that kept the marriage together, such as stability, predictability, security and comfort. They might also have an experience that makes them think, “Maybe the grass isn’t actually greener on the other side…”
So I tell my clients to prepare for this wobble by creating a “Wobble List” of every experience you can recall that brought you to this decision over the course of many years together. That way when they wobble – which of course they will – they have a place to go to remind themselves that they did not come to this decision overnight or on a whim.
When we make a decision – especially one that feels difficult – we often spring into action too quickly without getting equipped, making fumbles along the way that only serve to make one of the most stressful things you will ever face in your life – even more difficult.
When a marriage can heal after struggle, upset, pain and disconnection, that’s lovely. But I also think it is equally as lovely when two emotionally mature people can acknowledge that a relationship needs to end in order to stop hurting each other. That’s why I help people come to clarity for their marriage AND be able to navigate that answer – whether that’s to stay and evolve the marriage or lovingly release it. Maybe we should be working together……let’s explore it.