“You don’t need to be better than anyone else, you just need to be better than you used to be.” Wayne Dyer
There’s something that happens in our intimate relationships that prevents us from feeling intimacy with our partner.
I’ve never met anyone who did this consciously – or was even aware of it – until it’s been pointed out to them.
And it’s not something they’re proud of or want to continue…but it’s difficult to stop.
The behavior that keeps us from intimacy is when we hold perspectives that create a hierarchy inside our relationship.
- When one person thinks they’re better than their partner, we cannot create space to have a partnership of equals.
- When we think we’re smarter, more competent, more driven, etc, it’s really difficult to respect our partners (and almost impossible to feel desire for them).
- And when we’re above our partner inside the relationship, we’re not actually present in it with them.
No one sets out to do this intentionally. We don’t wake-up and think, “How can I make my partner feel insignificant today, while simultaneously making myself feel superior?”
Here are some phrases I’ve heard men and women say that demonstrates that hierarchy exists:
- He’s just another child that needs something from me.
- He’s so lazy. He said he was going to do that last week and it’s still not done yet.
- She can’t live without me. She’ll never make it on her own.
If you have unconsciously created a hierarchy inside your marriage, the only remedy is to challenge those existing thoughts about your partner. Your ego won’t want to change those thoughts because it feels they’re absolutely true and justified.
And the truth is:
You can keep your thoughts (that’s just a choice).
You can even keep your marriage (even if it is toxic and dysfunctional).
But you cannot keep those thoughts and ever create connection and intimacy in your marriage.
So how do we overcome this to see if connection and intimacy is really possible? I’d love to show you. Let’s explore if you’re ready to do the work.