“Addiction is a symptom of pain and trauma and we’re all searching for ways to feel less pain.” Steven Bartlett, the Diary of a CEO
Shelley told me about her husband’s addiction to alcohol. She told me how he went to ‘Happy Hour’ several nights each week. She told me how he would often have multiple cocktails after work, before arriving home in time for bed. She told me how she always felt like he was sort of “half-present,” like he was there physically, but not mentally and emotionally.
Shelley would ask her husband not to drink so much, and he would honor that for a bit… but he’d always go back to overdrinking. That’s when Shelley started to feel hopeless. She knew that his drinking might occasionally slow down, but he would never really be done.
And she was worried that if their 26-year marriage ended, his drinking would be the reason.
But her husband’s drinking wasn’t the problem.
This was only the symptom of a bigger, deeper problem that neither of them had yet to see or understand.
I explained to Shelley that there was likely something going on inside her husband that the alcohol numbed or helped him avoid.
Overdrinking serves him in some way; otherwise he wouldn’t do it.
- He could be avoiding the problems in their marriage…
- He could be numbing the insecurity or unworthiness he might be feeling…
- He could be suppressing some long-held trauma…
I don’t know the exact problem, but I’d guess there’s something bigger and deeper behind his overdrinking. And until he deals with whatever that is, he might stop the drinking… but he’ll just replace it with something else.
- He’ll start over-eating…
- He’ll turn to weed or some other drug to kill the pain…
- He’ll start an affair…
- He’ll over-indulge in pornography, gambling, or even overworking, which can often just be a socially acceptable way of running from our feelings, fears, and traumas.
Human beings will do seemingly anything to avoid feeling painful feelings… and there’s no shortage of ways to do that today.
The things we use to numb or avoid our emotions often become bigger problems. They impact our lives and relationships in multiple destructive ways. They become so big that they suck the air out of a room… but at least we don’t have to deal with the underlying thing we’re running from.
It’s not unusual for someone who joins my program to tell me about their partner’s addiction. Sadly, the problem of addiction is becoming increasingly common.
But if we ONLY focus on the numbing behavior and not the reason behind it, we’re putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound and hoping for the best.
Of course Shelley wants her husband to stop drinking.
But what she really wants is for him to be healthy enough so he doesn’t have to run from, avoid, or numb himself in order to move through his life, his day, or his marriage.
To get to a place of health requires:
- Identifying, understanding, and healing the underlying wound
- Learning and using practical tools to process and feel our emotions rather than running from them
After all, they’re called feelings for a reason… we’re actually supposed to feel them.
No, it’s not an “easy” solution, but it is “simple.” And it starts with facing the facts.
If you’ve been struggling in your marriage because of your spouse’s (or your own) addiction to anything, let’s see if there’s a fit for us to work together to get clear about your marriage in the context of that challenge.