“What you see reflects your thinking, and your thinking but reflects the choice of what you want to see.” A Course in Miracles
She had gotten involved emotionally with someone a long, long time ago. It hadn’t ever become a physical affair, but even all these years later she still thinks of him. They casually re-connected recently and it brought back all the feelings that had her thinking…
Maybe he still has feelings for me…..
Maybe there’s still a possibility of us being together one day….
What we had was so special…
The fact that I still think about him must mean something, right?
(My personal favorite) Our connection is on a soulmate level…
Just like when you’re out swimming in a lake and you can’t see what’s happening underwater, when someone is involved in an affair, they can’t see it through a rational lens.
Their feelings feel out of their control….
Their hormonal cocktail is flooding their body with dopamine (the pleasure hormone)…
They are preoccupied almost all day, every day with thoughts about their affair partner…
This isn’t a judgment. At this point, it’s just a fact. I know it because I’ve been there myself, and probably 60% of my clients have felt this way at some point for someone besides their spouse. And over the course of more than a decade, the stories they tell me and what they share are all very, very similar.
But we don’t talk about affairs publicly, so it can feel like our experience is unique to us. And if it’s unique and feels nothing like any other relationship I’ve had, it must be “special.”
I know there is someone reading this right now that is thinking: “Yeah…Yeah….I hear what you’re saying, Sharon, but you don’t understand how this man makes me feel. What we have really IS special.”
I know it feels that way. And maybe it is “special.” All love is special in its own way….
But since when did “special” mean you should now spend the rest of your lives together?
Maybe it’s special because you don’t actually have to live life together.
You believe you can just keep meeting in secret…having hot sex….talking about your deep feelings…
You don’t have to get up in the middle of the night with worry because your youngest is sick and can’t sleep….
You don’t have to figure out how you’re going to pay for that new hot water heater when the old one unexpectedly dies…
You don’t have to spend every damn holiday with their mother who thinks her son could do better…
I’ve been there. I thought what I had with my affair partner was sooooo damn special. And it was special because it awakened me in many ways. But had I chosen to build a life with him, the “special-ness” of him and us would have worn off very quickly.
Because comparing building a life with someone and being in an affair with someone is like comparing Toyotas and, well, Ferraris.
If you’re involved in an affair, I know how disorienting it can be…
- You never imagined you’d be here
- It’s not like you went looking for it
- But now it’s like you can’t turn away
I can help you get clear about your marriage AND your affair. Let’s get started.