“Clarity is not found in intellect, but experienced in stillness.” Unknown
When I went through my Master Coach training with Martha Beck, she spoke to us about the impact of meditation in her life. She said something that has stuck with me for the last ten years (I’m paraphrasing here): Can you sit still until the water becomes clear?
What she meant by this is when our emotions are raging, we can’t see anything clearly. It’s like trying to see your reflection in a pot of boiling water or a raging sea. It’s impossible.
When we’re pissed at our partner…
When we’re hurt and confused and heartbroken…
When we feel shame and embarrassment for what we’ve done and the hurt we’ve caused…
Nothing is clear.
- You’re not clear about who you are or what you really desire…
- You’re not seeing your partner clearly or with compassion…
- You’re not seeing the relationship clearly, likely focusing on all that’s broken between you, and paying no attention to the ways in which you really do love each other…
During these times, we cannot access the most intelligent part of our brains – the prefrontal cortex – because our primitive mind is in fight or flight overdrive.
And we will say things that aren’t representative of who we are or how we want to show up because we’re drowning in emotions that feel outside of our control.
Many people wait until they get into a huge argument with their spouse, and that’s when they blow it all up. Why do we do that? Because anger gives us courage. It doesn’t give us clarity, but it gives us courage, and sometimes we get those two things confused.
We cannot see our reflection in a raging sea…
We cannot see the truth when we’re angry or upset…
And we cannot find clarity about our marriage until we are willing to quiet all the outside noise, be still and be with ourselves, and face the difficult questions. The answers don’t come from outside of us; they come from within.
Everyone asks me about the story of my first marriage that ended…..
How did I know when it was over?
Do I regret my decision?
(And my personal favorite…) If you knew then what you know now, would you have stayed?
I’m glad to tell my story because I know it helps people feel less alone. But my story – while it may be mildly entertaining – doesn’t have anything to do with you. My story is not your story.
I’m not trying to convince you that MY answer for my life and MY marriage is the right answer for YOUR life and YOUR marriage.
What you need is YOUR answer for your heart and your marriage – not my answer. Not your mother’s answer. Not your best friend’s answer. Your answer.
Because that, my dear, is the only answer that you’re going to need when it comes to working through the tough stuff.
- Trying to reconnect a marriage that’s felt disconnected for years; that shit isn’t easy (hence why many don’t do it….)
- And ending a marriage that you – and everyone else – assumed would last forever…also, not easy.
Without having YOUR answer, you’ll likely wind up back here in your comfortable discomfort of indecision.
You’ll know it’s the right answer for your heart, your life and your marriage because it will come in a whisper that will simply feel like truth. There won’t need to be a huge blow-up fight. You won’t have to hate him and make him the villain of this story. You’ll just know.
Want to learn how to do that? I can guide you to your answer – one you won’t second-guess or regret. Here’s where you can take your next step forward.