“Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.” Hunter S. Thompson
“My husband wants to have sex, but to me, it just feels empty.”
These were the exact words of one particular client, but honestly, this is the story of so many of my clients.
Her husband wants to have sex. And he doesn’t understand why she doesn’t. She’s not interested in having sex because it only makes her feel more disconnected from him and more alone in the marriage. She no longer feels emotionally connected to him, so sex just punctuates that experience for her.
So they get into this common, never-ending loop:
- She wants more connection before she’ll open her mind to having sex again…
- Meanwhile, he’s not getting his needs met, so he withholds trying to connect with his wife in any other way
He’s angry and frustrated…
She’s sad and feeling hopeless.
And no one is getting their needs met.
While this is not true 100% of the time, men can often have a sexual experience that is purely physical. Sex can be a purely physical act that involves a physical release.
And while this is not true 100% of the time, sex for a woman is a physical and an emotional act that helps them feel closer to their partner. And when they don’t feel that emotional connection and it becomes a purely physical act, they’re left feeling used. The act can feel impersonal, as though their partner could just as easily be having sex with anyone.
It is in these circumstances that a woman shuts down to sex. It’s not because she’s not interested in having sex…she is. She’s just specifically not interested in the kind of sex they’ve been having.
Let’s be honest, if all we need is the physical release, we can do that all on our own. 😳 But in marriage, sex should be a physical expression of our intimacy that keeps us more closely connected as a couple.
So when one partner needs the emotional connection first, you should both work on reaching for that connection together before sex is even a topic of conversation. Otherwise, what you’re saying to your partner is that their experience isn’t important; only your physical experience is what’s important. And if that’s how you feel, then you’ve got to question why you’re married at all.
Sex is a topic we cover all the time in my program, The Decision. Do you need help navigating this terrain – without abandoning yourself and your needs in the process? If so, then let’s explore if The Decision is your best next step forward.