Your feelings in a marriage are important and need to be shared. No one has to agree with you in order for your experience to be valid.” Sharon Pope
Have you ever gone to your husband to share your feelings about the struggles in your marriage only to be told, “We’re fine!”?
Have you ever expressed how your needs aren’t being met, only to have your feelings invalidated and told that, “You’re not exactly meeting my needs either”?
If you go to your partner expressing a concern about the relationship, you would naturally think that your partner would be all ears…..that they would want to know what’s bothering you so they could fix it. After all, no one gets married so that they can either (a) be miserable or (b) get divorced. So, what gives?
Why would your partner brush it off and try to convince you that the marriage is “fine” when it doesn’t feel fine to you – and hasn’t for quite some time?
It’s because if they can convince you that everything is fine, you won’t require anything of them…
They won’t have to change anything…
They won’t have to consider what they could have done better in the relationship…
They won’t have to face your feelings…
In that moment, it’s easier to convince you that your feelings aren’t real and that everything is “fine.”
And if I’m being really honest, it’s also because it’s worked before. At some point, they convinced you that what you were feeling wasn’t rational, and it got them out of the hard conversations before.
So, my loves…if you want to have a different conversation and actually deal with the challenges in your marriage to have even a shot at overcoming them…you have to stop allowing this tactic to work.
When your partner is trying to invalidate your feelings so they can avoid discomfort themselves, you have to be clear that your feelings are valid, and that you are either going to deal with them together as a couple, or you are going to continue the slippery slope into the land of divorce.
If there is something that I’m a ninja at – and that I teach my clients – it is how to have direct (and loving) conversations with our partners.
- No more speaking in subtleties…
- Or passive-aggressive comments hoping he gets the hint….
- Or believing that your marriage is fine when every bone in your body is telling you it’s not… just so that neither of you have to confront those challenges. No more pretending.
If you want to create change in your marriage, one of the quickest ways to do so is to start having more honest and direct conversations. I can show you how. Here’s how you can take the next step forward so that you can determine if this marriage can evolve to a place that feels good for you…or not. I honor either.