“When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.” Brené Brown, Daring Greatly
I try to stay away from labels. While I know labels can be helpful to clinicians to understand a condition, I think when they get adopted and used broadly by the general public, they can often be genericized and misunderstood.
And there is probably not a more commonly used label inside relationships than diagnosing your partner (or ex) as a narcissist. But there is a tremendous difference between having NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and having narcissistic traits.
It’s best to think of it like a continuum.
And many of us have more narcissistic traits than we care to admit. After all, as our culture becomes increasingly individualistic, we’re promoting and normalizing narcissistic qualities. When we only care about ourselves and our own experience – with very little regard or empathy to how our actions impact the community or those around us – we’re exhibiting classic narcissistic behavior. That doesn’t mean we have NPD, but it means we’re exhibiting some behaviors on that continuum.
So while “they say” that 1:6 people are narcissists, science doesn’t actually know because most narcissists don’t seek the diagnosis. And most of us don’t think of ourselves as being narcissistic.
I know I certainly didn’t. And yet….
It was about 15 years ago that I met a man that was a textbook narcissist, although I didn’t even know what that was at the time. He was well-known, confident and charming. He pursued me, and our relationship became intense quickly. When he got bored with me and turned his gaze towards his next pursuit, he became dismissive of me, but didn’t fully let me go because he was still feeding off of my love and adoration – which every narcissist needs. He even told me one time that he was the “big screen in the middle of the room.” Yes, I fell for that guy back then, and it messed me up for awhile.
But here’s the shocking thing for me: I, too, exhibited narcissistic behaviors by getting involved with him in the first place. It tapped into my own narcissistic qualities because I felt like I was “chosen” by this handsome, successful, charming man. Lots of women wanted to be with this man, but he chose me. And because I didn’t hold myself in high esteem at the time (even though I presented otherwise…), that attention became very intoxicating to me.
Fascinating, right?
That relationship helped me see how we all have the capability to exhibit narcissistic behaviors on that continuum when we’re not paying attention.
And it’s only getting worse as we focus only on ourselves – our needs, our dreams, our desires – without any empathy, care, or regard for others.
I believe this is why most of us are incredibly focused on getting our needs met in our relationships (and complaining when our needs are not met), but not nearly as interested in meeting our partner’s needs.
This “me, me, me” culture is not helping us create more loving relationships. Want to know what can create more healthy, loving, connected, intimate relationships? Let’s talk further….