My first marriage looked pretty good from the outside. It was about eight or nine years into the marriage that I began to feel empty and disconnected… but I couldn’t put my finger on exactly why.
- I did what I was supposed to do: I married the ‘nice guy.’
- We had all the things we were supposed to have: The 4-bedroom house in the suburbs, good jobs, nice cars… even a golden retriever named Bailey.
- We didn’t fight very often: My ex just wasn’t a fighter, and I had a wise friend who said, “That’s good for you, Sharon.”
But I started to notice how differently other couples looked at each other: You could tell they were in love, and they had this obvious affection between them. We just didn’t have that.
If I’m honest, we had never had that… even early on in our relationship.
But he saw our marriage differently than I did. He thought we were ‘fine.’ He didn’t understand what it was I was asking for and why I needed it.
Why couldn’t I just be happy?
I know I’m not alone in that feeling.
Millions of women want their marriage to feel better than it does. And millions of men are like:
- “We’re fine…”
- “I don’t know why you worry so much…”
- “Everyone argues…”
- “I’m happy… why can’t you just be happy?”
- Or even, “You can go to counseling if you want, but I don’t need that.”
So why do you think women are more likely than men to feel unfulfilled in their marriage?
Here’s what I think it comes down to:
Our Expectations of Marriage are Higher
We want our partners to be our best friend, our closest confidant, our biggest supporter, and our most passionate lover. We want to be vulnerable with our partner, fearless with our partner, quiet and serene with our partner—we want to have the most fun with them! We look to our partners to fulfill many of our needs that only a few generations ago we got from an entire community of people.
Alternatively, many (not all) men just expect kindness, appreciation, respect, and consistent sex.
The Quality and Health of Our Relationships are More Important to Us
When I think about what makes a woman feel happy and successful in her life, the quality of her relationships is most often at the top of the list. It’s about the relationships she has with her children, her friends, her family, and of course, her spouse.
Alternatively, when you think about what makes a man feel happy and successful in his life, many (but obviously not all) would tell you that career and financial success is at the top of their list. And some of that drive is so that he can provide for his family, because being a provider is still very important for many men—especially culturally.
Marriage Has Always Been A Better Deal for Men than Women
Yes, I said it. But it’s true: For generations, men went to work each day, while women stayed home to birth and care for the kids, keep the home tidy and the family well-fed, care for extended family… In modern times, women often do all this while also working a full-time job outside the home. Women (often, not always) plan the vacations, schedule the doctor visits, pack the lunches, do the grocery shopping, plan birthday parties and family get-togethers, do the laundry, and figure out what’s for dinner. You get the idea: Most women do A LOT more for the family than men. I once heard a female comedian say, “Imagine where I could be professionally if I had a wife at home to hold it down for me like I do for my husband.” There’s some hard truth there.
It’s common knowledge that men couple-up very quickly after a divorce (much more quickly than women); I think that’s because, if you could have someone taking care of you like that… why wouldn’t you?
So yes, we expect a lot because we give a lot.
And when it comes down to what really, really matters to us… it’s about the quality of our most important relationships.
The women who find their way to my work are many things… but they are not ‘fine’ with a perfectly ‘fine’ (but empty and disconnected) marriage.
Because ‘fine’ is what happens when we go to sleep at the wheel and think our marriage will take care of itself without any concerted effort or investment.
But you and I? We invest in things that are important to us.