“Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike.” J.K. Rowling
I remember once, early in my first marriage, my ex-husband and I went out to dinner with another couple. They were dear friends of ours, a gay couple we’d known for years. One of the guys said to my husband –
“Did you tell your wife how hot she looks tonight?”
My ex laughed and said, “Yeah.”
I said, “No, you didn’t. You told me I looked nice. That’s very different from hot.”
We had a giggle about it at the time, but I was reminded of this recently when one of my clients told me about a similar situation. She explained how her spouse might occasionally tell her that she looks nice or pretty… but never beautiful or amazing (and certainly not hot).
Our words have power… but it’s not only our words.
This client also told me about how, on Valentine’s Day, she went out and bought new lingerie. She said she looked damn good in it, too… but her spouse didn’t even notice.
He didn’t mention it. He didn’t make a move.
In fact, she couldn’t even remember him making eye contact with her. He just brushed his teeth, said goodnight, and went to sleep.
A few days later, her husband wanted to be intimate, but my client had this, “WTH?!” moment: “Why now? How could he think I want this now… after he ignored me?”
It’s not about the lingerie or the sex or even Valentine’s Day.
- It’s about seeing your partner… and being seen.
- It’s about noticing them… and being noticed.
- It’s about acknowledging them… and being acknowledged.
- It’s about paying attention.
- It’s about keeping desire alive in your marriage.
It’s not that difficult! And still… we often don’t do it.
Today, I’m grateful to be married to a man who says, “I love it!” every time I get a haircut.
- He tells me I’m beautiful every time I get dressed up.
- He even compliments my nails after an appointment.
- He notices… he pays attention!
Often it’s ‘the little things’ that determine how you feel about your marriage… particularly when things get difficult (as they always do).
It sounds simple… and it is.
Many of the best things we can do for our marriage—to bring us together and ensure we feel more connected to each other—are not the ‘rocket science’ we think they are.
Rather, it’s the little things: the paying attention, the noticing, the small moments.
If you want your marriage to feel good again, you need to get equipped with the right tools to help you ‘pay attention’ and ‘notice.’ We can start simple and small and work our way to the more complex topics, once you have a bit more hope than you do today. I’m here for all of it.