“All blame is a waste of time…The only thing blame does is keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won’t succeed in changing whatever it is that is making you unhappy.” Wayne Dyer
Her husband told her that she’s the reason he’s miserable. She said hearing this hit her like a ton of bricks.
This is what one of my members shared with me.
Another member chimed in and said that her husband recently told her: “I wouldn’t be miserable if you just did what I wanted.” She thought he was attempting to be controlling and manipulative; I just call it immature.
This practice of our partners not taking responsibility for their own feelings is a hot topic inside my membership program right now.
But the flip side of that same coin is that far too many of the women in the group are over-taking responsibility for their partner’s feelings. Both of these women – while upset about what their husbands said – also felt guilty for how their husbands felt. So to some extent, his off-loading responsibility for his own feelings is working.
If we want our spouses to take some responsibility for their own choices and actions, we have to stop absorbing responsibility for their feelings.
A final member shared, “I know I’m the reason why my husband is miserable. He knows I’m unsure whether I have feelings for him or not, and unsure whether I want to be in my marriage. That would make anyone miserable.”
That isn’t true.
What if her husband doesn’t want the marriage either, and is just waiting for her to do the very hard thing of ending it? Maybe he just doesn’t want to be the “bad guy” responsible for ending a 25 year marriage. I promise you he wouldn’t feel miserable; he might even feel relieved.
Or what if he said to himself, “I don’t want to be with someone that isn’t certain that they want to be with me.” From that perspective, his next steps are very clear. But that’s not what’s happening.
The longer you keep over-taking responsibility, the longer your partner will continue to under-take responsibility for their own life and blame you. Why? Because it’s easier.
Blame is infinitely easier than taking responsibility.
You and your spouse are two grown adults making choices for your life. If you don’t like your life or how you’re feeling, I would suggest you make a different choice. You have free will. You can do whatever you like; you just have to live with the outcome of your choices.
And blaming everyone else for your life is the most disempowering thing you can ever do.
Are you ready to create a future that looks and feels very different from your past (or present)? If so, you have to be an active participant in the process and creation of your life. Click here if you feel ready to step-up in an entirely new way for yourself.