Episode 116: Should You Stay or Go? The Only Two Choices That Matter

Welcome to the Loving Truth Podcast, where it's all about finding clarity, confidence, and peace in the face of marriage challenges. And now your host, relationship expert and certified Master Life Coach, Sharon Pope. Hello, loves. This is Sharon Pope, and this is The Loving Truth. Today, we're going to be talking about how in any given situation where you're feeling Paralyzed to make a decision you can narrow your options to only a couple different choices and that helps you be more decisive.

Now this is something that I'm able to do readily in my life and through my coaching practice. But I want to introduce the concept to you because I think we can all get better at it. So here's the deal. I see people Getting paralyzed by a decision about whether to stay or go in their marriage, and they'll stay stuck for years, sometimes a decade.

And that is because they're thinking about every possible outcome for every possible scenario. Right? Like, well, what if my husband changes in this way? Will that change how I feel about him? How will that impact my kids? How will that impact my life? What will life look like five years from now? But what if he changes in this other way?

What if he never changes? What if I change? What if what I want changes? Or what if it already did change? If I end my marriage, how's that going to impact me? How's it going to impact? How's it going to impact me personally? How's it going to impact my kids? Where am I going to live? Like we're trying to navigate like 200 different variables.

And all that does is it invites more confusion into the conversation and you get overwhelmed and you get completely stuck, right? So it's easy to understand. Why we get paralyzed and through all of that, digging and searching and thinking about and creating pros and cons lists and just overthinking all of it.

Everything that we're looking for is like, okay, what is the answer where no one will get hurt and I'll get to remain inside my comfort zone? Like, that's kind of what we're looking for. And because that doesn't exist when you're struggling in your marriage, I don't care if your answer is to stay and evolve the relationship to a new place, that's going to take work.

It's going to be outside your comfort zone. And to have those open, honest conversations. Yeah. Someone's going to feel the sting of hurt once in a while. That's what's going, that's the nature of it. And certainly if you decide to end the relationship, someone's going to feel hurt, someone's going to feel upset about that decision, and about the changes that are going to incur, and you're not going to spend a minute in your comfort zone as you're navigating separation and divorce.

So that doesn't exist. So when we can take that off the table and say, Okay, you know, there is no place Where I'm coming to a decision where no one gets hurt and I get to remain in my comfort zone. So we can stop, like, overthinking all the elements of that. So that I get to remain comfortable and safe.

Right? So, let me just give you an example. Because examples sort of bring this to life better than, um, me just talking about it conceptually. Okay? So, I'm going to call this client Faith. That's not her name, but let's just call her Faith. Okay? Um, She had struggled in her marriage for many years and she and her husband had the same roadblocks that would come up again and again and again, right?

She would bring up something that she was feeling upset about inside the marriage and he would often defend himself or sort of push the blame back on her. So I had asked her, is this something that he does pretty frequently? Like, can you tell me the last time that your husband took responsibility for something that he did?

Did or said or one of the challenges in your relationship, you know, that might sound like you know I could have done that better or if I could do that again, I might do that differently or even oh my goodness I'm sorry. I should have done it this other way, right? Like it can sound like any of those things And she said, no, no, she could not remember a time that he had ever taken responsibility for his choices or the challenges that they were facing in the marriage.

It was always somehow her fault. And one of the things that he liked to go back to time and again was that she had anxiety. And so he's like, well, that's just your anxiety, right? That's how he would undermine or invalidate. Her experience about how the relationship was struggling. See, he didn't want to face that the relationship was struggling and he didn't want to make any changes.

He didn't want to take any blame. So if he could invalidate her experience, he wouldn't have to address any of that, right? He wouldn't have to sit there in front of a counselor and talk about why he does what he does or doesn't do what he knows he should do, right? He wouldn't have to address any of that.

So instead, he just points it back at her. Blames her and because she's a very kind and empathetic person. She often takes it, right? She allows it or overlooks it or says well Maybe he's right and gives up and the minute that she gives up on Getting her needs met in the relationship. He sort of wins because now he doesn't have to address anything so every time she gives up it's like you're doing something that serves the exact behavior of That's causing you to not get your needs met, not feel heard, not feel connected, all the things that it's causing the relationship to struggle.

So it begins with him invalidating her experience, but then it continues with her giving up, right? She had been working on herself and she's like, look, I have been doing a much better job of not over functioning in our relationship. And I'm doing a better job today of setting healthy boundaries for myself.

And also I'm not enabling him anymore. Right. I'm not enabling his bad behavior. I'm not enabling him to continue to under function while I over function. I'm bringing it to the surface, which means we're having hard conversations. And so I told her, okay, great. So you've been trying to, you've been addressing the things that you can control, which is your experience.

Your choices, your actions. Bravo. And you're consistently bringing up the challenges inside the relationship, looking to see, is he willing to adjust? Is he willing to see your perspective? Is he willing to do anything differently? And he's being pretty consistent about what. And who and how he's willing to show up as inside this marriage.

You're giving him these opportunities. He's not exactly giving you the answers that you want. But you're giving him opportunities because you're telling him exactly the things that he could do to make things better in the relationship. And he's actively choosing to not do those things. Right. So you only have two options here, right?

This is where I break it down. You only have two options. One is you're going to evolve this relationship to a new place that you're going to keep teeing up these options for him of things that he could engage with or do differently or think about differently or approach differently so that the outcome and the feelings inside the marriage could evolve to a new place and it could feel different.

And he's going to take you up on that or he's not. And then you're going to decide whether or not that works for you. And if you decide that he's not going to do anything differently, and this is all this relationship ever will be, and that does not work for you, then you do have an answer that you can make peace with.

And that's to end the relationship. So then the only unanswered question is, how many times are you going to tee up these opportunities? For him. How many tries are you going to do it? How many chances are you going to give him? And that's just a personal decision. Right? It could be ten. Could be a hundred.

Could be ten thousand. Right? Especially if we're the kind of person that always puts it back on ourselves and is like, Oh, maybe there's something else I could do. Maybe there's a different way I could say it. Maybe there's a different way I could approach it. Et cetera, et cetera. Right? That can get you stuck.

But the more you just break it down to, there's only two options. You're either going to evolve the relationship beyond where it is, or you're going to end the relationship. That's it. And here's the important part. You have to take this imaginary third option off the table. What's the imaginary third option.

It is the idea that we are going to go back. To functioning inside the relationship the way we always have. That we're going to go back to being fine with fine. Right? We're going to go back to this place where he doesn't have to address anything. He doesn't have to do anything differently. He doesn't even have to take accountability for his own adult choices and decisions and actions.

Because you're going to pick up the blame for all of it. You have to take that option off the table. Right? Because that's what that's what our husband is doing. That's what Faith's husband is doing, is he's saying like, if I can invalidate your experience, if I can take away these reasons, then we don't have any problems in our relationship.

We don't have any challenges. You personally have challenges that you can address on your own, which means I don't have to do anything. Right? So we have to take this imaginary option of going back to where we abandon and betray ourselves and our needs and everything that we want to feel and experience in our most intimate relationship.

This going back to the way it was, that is no longer an option on the table. Stop pretending like it is. At least in your mind. Get comfortable with the idea that we are not going backwards. We're not going back to this place of where we're functioning that, by the way, brought us to this place right here of where it's feeling like it can't be sustained and it doesn't feel good and it doesn't feel lasting and it doesn't feel connected.

Right? If we go backwards, we're just going to end up right here in the exact same spot. So life has brought us here. This imaginary third option of going back to the way that it was is no longer an option. If you're going to remain in the relationship, it has to evolve to a new place where it feels good for both of you.

Period. End of discussion. And if it cannot evolve, then it can end. And you can make peace with that knowing that you got equipped with real relationship tools, you applied them consistently, and you gave it your very best. And if it could not evolve to a new place, you can make peace with that, right? So there's only two options.

There's not 42 options. There's not 200 different variables that you need to think about. And there's a whole bunch of stuff that you will never know and that you'll never get, right? You'll never know what five years from now looks like no matter what you decide because none of us can predict the future and You'll never get to remain in your comfort zone and where you and no one else will ever Feel any kind of pain or anguish that doesn't exist, right?

Life is not all sunshine rainbows and unicorns But there is a path through this, but we've got to, we've got to stop indulging confusion. That's what we're doing. We're indulging all of these different variables so that we can remain confused. Now, why would we do that? Why would we want to remain confused?

Because as long as I stay confused, I don't have to take any scary action, do I? Right? I don't have to lean into my marriage and try again. I don't have to get equipped with new tools and then begin applying them. I don't have to create change within myself. Right? Because just like my husband doesn't want to change, when it comes down to it, sometimes we don't want to change either.

That's often why we push it on our spouse. We don't want to change. You should do it. But they're doing the same thing. I don't want to change. You should change. And here we are. So, we have to stop indulging confusion and The reason we indulge confusion, let me get back to my point, was that the reason we indulge confusion is because we don't have to take scary action.

We don't have to try to evolve the relationship and we don't have to end the relationship either. Those both are scary actions. I can just stay here in this place of indecision. Should I stay or should I go? I don't know. I'm confused. I don't know. I'm trying to predict the future. I'm trying to navigate these 200 choices.

No, no, no, my friends, when you, if you take any situation that you're struggling with right now and you say, there's only two options, there's only two options. So what are those two options? And get really clear. And then, what's the one option that needs to come off the table? Because there's always this option, which is usually going backwards, that you need to stop indulging as if it's a real thing.

Because it's not a real thing. Like, yeah, you could, but you're basically saying, okay, I'm going to live the rest of my life miserable. I'm going to go back to the way that it was, and I'm going to give up everything that I've ever wanted and needed in a relationship, and I'll just be miserable so that then I don't have to deal with any of this.

Like, I suppose it is an option, but is it a good option? Should we actually be considering that? I think no. Now, let me give you another way to, to apply this in a very lighthearted way that every single person who's listening to this can relate to. So every one of us has something about our partners that drives us crazy.

Like it's not something that you're going to get divorced over, but it's just like an annoyance and something that you're like, I just don't understand why they do it that way. So I want you to think about what that is for you. For me, we have in our bathroom, we have these little containers and inside one of those containers are Q tips.

And so in the container there are the, are the Q tips and there's a lid on top of the container. It's a beautiful, um, stone, stoneware thing with a, with a gold trim. It's lovely. It's where we keep our Q tips. And every single day, my husband takes off the lid and he takes a Q tip out, does whatever he's going to do and never.

Puts the lid back on. It's fascinating to me. Like, takes the lid off, never puts it back on. Then I go in there and I see that the lid is off and I put the lid back on. Because I'm like, the lid goes on the thing, right? For you, it might be your dishwasher. I don't know. It could be the way he does laundry, right?

I don't know what it is. And I'm sure that my husband has a whole list of things that I do that, that he shakes his head and says, I don't understand why you do it that way. Like this is just being in relationship. So I'll tell you a story about a woman inside my membership. Um, and her situation with her husband was he would never.

When, when something was empty, he wouldn't throw it away. So maybe some of you have that husband who were like, drinks the last of the orange juice and puts the empty orange juice container back in or something like that, right? That was the equivalent of what was happening. But for her, it was body wash in the shower.

Okay. And so whenever the body wash was done, he did nothing with it. He just put it back on the shelf inside the shower. And so she would yell at him, belittle him. Plead with him. Get sarcastic with him. Who does that, right? Like, she would say things like that. Like, she would try to reason and logic with him.

She tried all the different ways to say that when something is empty, it should go in the trash. Because in her mind, that's what makes perfect sense. And to be honest, in my mind, it does too. My OCD really likes that. That when something is empty, it goes into the trash or recycling. So, She kept trying to indulge all these other options when there really were only two, two options to keep her from suffering.

She could, if she wanted that empty bottle in the trash, she could take that bottle and put it in the trash. Problem solved. That's the equivalent of what I do. Every day I go into the bathroom and when I see that the lid is off the q tip container, I put the lid back on. I don't suffer about it. I don't struggle with it.

I don't shame my husband because he doesn't put the lid back on. I just think the lid should go on, so I put it on. So that's your first option, or two, leave the body wash container in the shower. Let it be there. Add another brand new one. Let that one go empty. Leave it there. Add another one. Like, have ten empty body wash containers lined up, leaving them in the shower.

Because if it's not bothering him, it's possible that it could not bother you. Now I know you're thinking, like, no Sharon, it's not possible. You don't know me. Like I get it. Believe me. I get it. But if it's possible for one person, it is possible for another so you could ignore it and be like, yeah, you know what?

Like I'm not going to do it. But the problem is she was not doing it and she was getting mad that it wasn't getting done the way she thought it should be done. And then she was creating disconnection in her marriage because she was trying to get her husband. To do it the way that she thought he should do it, right?

That's not an option if you don't want to suffer. But she just kept, like, beating her head against that wall. And it's funny, like, it sounds like a silly conversation to have. It's just that when you have ten of those things, and that's what you're focused on, of course you're not feeling terribly connected in your relationship.

Of course you don't want to, you know, Get naked and snuggle up next to them and be intimate with them. Like, you're, you're focused on the empty bottles, and now you're starting to question their sanity, or their maturity, right? Sometimes we'll say, oh, he acts like a child, right? Just because he's not doing the things that we think he should be doing in the way that we think he should be doing it.

Right? So you have to care enough about not suffering. So the only two options that include you not suffering is you throw it away yourself because it bothers you, you throw it away. That's what I do. It bothers me that the lid is not on, I put the lid on. Problem solved. Or you leave it there and you decide it's not going to bother you.

I can leave the lid off. To be honest, I could throw the lid away because I'm the only one that puts the lid back on. Maybe we just leave the q tips in the container, just like I'm telling her. You leave the empty body wash container in the shower. Let the body wash containers pile up. We'll see what happens.

Maybe he'll get sick of seeing them. And maybe he'll empty them. But either way, it's not going to bother you. So you have to be unbothered by it. But this imaginary third option that she had to take off the table was, I'm going to say it in the right way that he's going to want to do it. My way forever.

That's not a thing. That is not a thing. And that was what was causing her suffering. Right? So my friends, we need to stop the suffering. We need to stop indulging confusion by inviting in all these different options. I promise you, in any situation, there really are only a couple options, and then there's this one annoying option that we need to take off the table and stop thinking that that's a real option, because it's not.

Because when you can narrow things down to, hey, it's A or B, it's pretty easy for most of us to be able to choose between A or B. What's not easy Is to make a decision when there's option A, option A1, A2, A3, option B, option C, option D, option 5, option E, F, G, H, I, like, that's not easy. Of course you're paralyzed.

Of course you're stuck. You want to become more decisive? Narrow it down to two options. three max and identify the one option that you've been indulging that you need to just abandon because it's not a real thing. When you can get there, you can become very decisive. You can make decisions quickly and you're not going to second guess those decisions because you're making them based upon what you know to be true in that moment and you're also kind of saying to yourself that I'm not willing to suffer.

There's enough suffering in life. Right? We have enough things that come at us in this life that cause us suffering. We do not need to go looking for new ways to suffer or remain stuck. All right? So hopefully that is helpful to you so that you can become more decisive whether it's about your marriage or about the Q tip container inside your own marriage, right?

Little stuff can add up to big stuff. So Just get at what are the, what are the few narrow options until next time, please take really good care. If you're listening to this podcast because you're struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you're serious about finding that answer, it's time to book a truth and clarity session with a member of my team on the call.

We'll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there's a fit for you and I to work together so you can make and execute the right decision for you and your marriage. Go to ClarityForMyMarriage. com to fill out an application now. That's ClarityForMyMarriage. com.

Welcome to the Loving Truth Podcast, where it's all about finding clarity, confidence, and peace in the face of marriage challenges. And now your host, relationship expert and certified Master Life Coach, Sharon Pope. Hello, loves. This is Sharon Pope, and this is The Loving Truth. Today, we're going to be talking about how in any given situation where you're feeling Paralyzed to make a decision you can narrow your options to only a couple different choices and that helps you be more decisive.

Now this is something that I'm able to do readily in my life and through my coaching practice. But I want to introduce the concept to you because I think we can all get better at it. So here's the deal. I see people Getting paralyzed by a decision about whether to stay or go in their marriage, and they'll stay stuck for years, sometimes a decade.

And that is because they're thinking about every possible outcome for every possible scenario. Right? Like, well, what if my husband changes in this way? Will that change how I feel about him? How will that impact my kids? How will that impact my life? What will life look like five years from now? But what if he changes in this other way?

What if he never changes? What if I change? What if what I want changes? Or what if it already did change? If I end my marriage, how's that going to impact me? How's it going to impact? How's it going to impact me personally? How's it going to impact my kids? Where am I going to live? Like we're trying to navigate like 200 different variables.

And all that does is it invites more confusion into the conversation and you get overwhelmed and you get completely stuck, right? So it's easy to understand. Why we get paralyzed and through all of that, digging and searching and thinking about and creating pros and cons lists and just overthinking all of it.

Everything that we're looking for is like, okay, what is the answer where no one will get hurt and I'll get to remain inside my comfort zone? Like, that's kind of what we're looking for. And because that doesn't exist when you're struggling in your marriage, I don't care if your answer is to stay and evolve the relationship to a new place, that's going to take work.

It's going to be outside your comfort zone. And to have those open, honest conversations. Yeah. Someone's going to feel the sting of hurt once in a while. That's what's going, that's the nature of it. And certainly if you decide to end the relationship, someone's going to feel hurt, someone's going to feel upset about that decision, and about the changes that are going to incur, and you're not going to spend a minute in your comfort zone as you're navigating separation and divorce.

So that doesn't exist. So when we can take that off the table and say, Okay, you know, there is no place Where I'm coming to a decision where no one gets hurt and I get to remain in my comfort zone. So we can stop, like, overthinking all the elements of that. So that I get to remain comfortable and safe.

Right? So, let me just give you an example. Because examples sort of bring this to life better than, um, me just talking about it conceptually. Okay? So, I'm going to call this client Faith. That's not her name, but let's just call her Faith. Okay? Um, She had struggled in her marriage for many years and she and her husband had the same roadblocks that would come up again and again and again, right?

She would bring up something that she was feeling upset about inside the marriage and he would often defend himself or sort of push the blame back on her. So I had asked her, is this something that he does pretty frequently? Like, can you tell me the last time that your husband took responsibility for something that he did?

Did or said or one of the challenges in your relationship, you know, that might sound like you know I could have done that better or if I could do that again, I might do that differently or even oh my goodness I'm sorry. I should have done it this other way, right? Like it can sound like any of those things And she said, no, no, she could not remember a time that he had ever taken responsibility for his choices or the challenges that they were facing in the marriage.

It was always somehow her fault. And one of the things that he liked to go back to time and again was that she had anxiety. And so he's like, well, that's just your anxiety, right? That's how he would undermine or invalidate. Her experience about how the relationship was struggling. See, he didn't want to face that the relationship was struggling and he didn't want to make any changes.

He didn't want to take any blame. So if he could invalidate her experience, he wouldn't have to address any of that, right? He wouldn't have to sit there in front of a counselor and talk about why he does what he does or doesn't do what he knows he should do, right? He wouldn't have to address any of that.

So instead, he just points it back at her. Blames her and because she's a very kind and empathetic person. She often takes it, right? She allows it or overlooks it or says well Maybe he's right and gives up and the minute that she gives up on Getting her needs met in the relationship. He sort of wins because now he doesn't have to address anything so every time she gives up it's like you're doing something that serves the exact behavior of That's causing you to not get your needs met, not feel heard, not feel connected, all the things that it's causing the relationship to struggle.

So it begins with him invalidating her experience, but then it continues with her giving up, right? She had been working on herself and she's like, look, I have been doing a much better job of not over functioning in our relationship. And I'm doing a better job today of setting healthy boundaries for myself.

And also I'm not enabling him anymore. Right. I'm not enabling his bad behavior. I'm not enabling him to continue to under function while I over function. I'm bringing it to the surface, which means we're having hard conversations. And so I told her, okay, great. So you've been trying to, you've been addressing the things that you can control, which is your experience.

Your choices, your actions. Bravo. And you're consistently bringing up the challenges inside the relationship, looking to see, is he willing to adjust? Is he willing to see your perspective? Is he willing to do anything differently? And he's being pretty consistent about what. And who and how he's willing to show up as inside this marriage.

You're giving him these opportunities. He's not exactly giving you the answers that you want. But you're giving him opportunities because you're telling him exactly the things that he could do to make things better in the relationship. And he's actively choosing to not do those things. Right. So you only have two options here, right?

This is where I break it down. You only have two options. One is you're going to evolve this relationship to a new place that you're going to keep teeing up these options for him of things that he could engage with or do differently or think about differently or approach differently so that the outcome and the feelings inside the marriage could evolve to a new place and it could feel different.

And he's going to take you up on that or he's not. And then you're going to decide whether or not that works for you. And if you decide that he's not going to do anything differently, and this is all this relationship ever will be, and that does not work for you, then you do have an answer that you can make peace with.

And that's to end the relationship. So then the only unanswered question is, how many times are you going to tee up these opportunities? For him. How many tries are you going to do it? How many chances are you going to give him? And that's just a personal decision. Right? It could be ten. Could be a hundred.

Could be ten thousand. Right? Especially if we're the kind of person that always puts it back on ourselves and is like, Oh, maybe there's something else I could do. Maybe there's a different way I could say it. Maybe there's a different way I could approach it. Et cetera, et cetera. Right? That can get you stuck.

But the more you just break it down to, there's only two options. You're either going to evolve the relationship beyond where it is, or you're going to end the relationship. That's it. And here's the important part. You have to take this imaginary third option off the table. What's the imaginary third option.

It is the idea that we are going to go back. To functioning inside the relationship the way we always have. That we're going to go back to being fine with fine. Right? We're going to go back to this place where he doesn't have to address anything. He doesn't have to do anything differently. He doesn't even have to take accountability for his own adult choices and decisions and actions.

Because you're going to pick up the blame for all of it. You have to take that option off the table. Right? Because that's what that's what our husband is doing. That's what Faith's husband is doing, is he's saying like, if I can invalidate your experience, if I can take away these reasons, then we don't have any problems in our relationship.

We don't have any challenges. You personally have challenges that you can address on your own, which means I don't have to do anything. Right? So we have to take this imaginary option of going back to where we abandon and betray ourselves and our needs and everything that we want to feel and experience in our most intimate relationship.

This going back to the way it was, that is no longer an option on the table. Stop pretending like it is. At least in your mind. Get comfortable with the idea that we are not going backwards. We're not going back to this place of where we're functioning that, by the way, brought us to this place right here of where it's feeling like it can't be sustained and it doesn't feel good and it doesn't feel lasting and it doesn't feel connected.

Right? If we go backwards, we're just going to end up right here in the exact same spot. So life has brought us here. This imaginary third option of going back to the way that it was is no longer an option. If you're going to remain in the relationship, it has to evolve to a new place where it feels good for both of you.

Period. End of discussion. And if it cannot evolve, then it can end. And you can make peace with that knowing that you got equipped with real relationship tools, you applied them consistently, and you gave it your very best. And if it could not evolve to a new place, you can make peace with that, right? So there's only two options.

There's not 42 options. There's not 200 different variables that you need to think about. And there's a whole bunch of stuff that you will never know and that you'll never get, right? You'll never know what five years from now looks like no matter what you decide because none of us can predict the future and You'll never get to remain in your comfort zone and where you and no one else will ever Feel any kind of pain or anguish that doesn't exist, right?

Life is not all sunshine rainbows and unicorns But there is a path through this, but we've got to, we've got to stop indulging confusion. That's what we're doing. We're indulging all of these different variables so that we can remain confused. Now, why would we do that? Why would we want to remain confused?

Because as long as I stay confused, I don't have to take any scary action, do I? Right? I don't have to lean into my marriage and try again. I don't have to get equipped with new tools and then begin applying them. I don't have to create change within myself. Right? Because just like my husband doesn't want to change, when it comes down to it, sometimes we don't want to change either.

That's often why we push it on our spouse. We don't want to change. You should do it. But they're doing the same thing. I don't want to change. You should change. And here we are. So, we have to stop indulging confusion and The reason we indulge confusion, let me get back to my point, was that the reason we indulge confusion is because we don't have to take scary action.

We don't have to try to evolve the relationship and we don't have to end the relationship either. Those both are scary actions. I can just stay here in this place of indecision. Should I stay or should I go? I don't know. I'm confused. I don't know. I'm trying to predict the future. I'm trying to navigate these 200 choices.

No, no, no, my friends, when you, if you take any situation that you're struggling with right now and you say, there's only two options, there's only two options. So what are those two options? And get really clear. And then, what's the one option that needs to come off the table? Because there's always this option, which is usually going backwards, that you need to stop indulging as if it's a real thing.

Because it's not a real thing. Like, yeah, you could, but you're basically saying, okay, I'm going to live the rest of my life miserable. I'm going to go back to the way that it was, and I'm going to give up everything that I've ever wanted and needed in a relationship, and I'll just be miserable so that then I don't have to deal with any of this.

Like, I suppose it is an option, but is it a good option? Should we actually be considering that? I think no. Now, let me give you another way to, to apply this in a very lighthearted way that every single person who's listening to this can relate to. So every one of us has something about our partners that drives us crazy.

Like it's not something that you're going to get divorced over, but it's just like an annoyance and something that you're like, I just don't understand why they do it that way. So I want you to think about what that is for you. For me, we have in our bathroom, we have these little containers and inside one of those containers are Q tips.

And so in the container there are the, are the Q tips and there's a lid on top of the container. It's a beautiful, um, stone, stoneware thing with a, with a gold trim. It's lovely. It's where we keep our Q tips. And every single day, my husband takes off the lid and he takes a Q tip out, does whatever he's going to do and never.

Puts the lid back on. It's fascinating to me. Like, takes the lid off, never puts it back on. Then I go in there and I see that the lid is off and I put the lid back on. Because I'm like, the lid goes on the thing, right? For you, it might be your dishwasher. I don't know. It could be the way he does laundry, right?

I don't know what it is. And I'm sure that my husband has a whole list of things that I do that, that he shakes his head and says, I don't understand why you do it that way. Like this is just being in relationship. So I'll tell you a story about a woman inside my membership. Um, and her situation with her husband was he would never.

When, when something was empty, he wouldn't throw it away. So maybe some of you have that husband who were like, drinks the last of the orange juice and puts the empty orange juice container back in or something like that, right? That was the equivalent of what was happening. But for her, it was body wash in the shower.

Okay. And so whenever the body wash was done, he did nothing with it. He just put it back on the shelf inside the shower. And so she would yell at him, belittle him. Plead with him. Get sarcastic with him. Who does that, right? Like, she would say things like that. Like, she would try to reason and logic with him.

She tried all the different ways to say that when something is empty, it should go in the trash. Because in her mind, that's what makes perfect sense. And to be honest, in my mind, it does too. My OCD really likes that. That when something is empty, it goes into the trash or recycling. So, She kept trying to indulge all these other options when there really were only two, two options to keep her from suffering.

She could, if she wanted that empty bottle in the trash, she could take that bottle and put it in the trash. Problem solved. That's the equivalent of what I do. Every day I go into the bathroom and when I see that the lid is off the q tip container, I put the lid back on. I don't suffer about it. I don't struggle with it.

I don't shame my husband because he doesn't put the lid back on. I just think the lid should go on, so I put it on. So that's your first option, or two, leave the body wash container in the shower. Let it be there. Add another brand new one. Let that one go empty. Leave it there. Add another one. Like, have ten empty body wash containers lined up, leaving them in the shower.

Because if it's not bothering him, it's possible that it could not bother you. Now I know you're thinking, like, no Sharon, it's not possible. You don't know me. Like I get it. Believe me. I get it. But if it's possible for one person, it is possible for another so you could ignore it and be like, yeah, you know what?

Like I'm not going to do it. But the problem is she was not doing it and she was getting mad that it wasn't getting done the way she thought it should be done. And then she was creating disconnection in her marriage because she was trying to get her husband. To do it the way that she thought he should do it, right?

That's not an option if you don't want to suffer. But she just kept, like, beating her head against that wall. And it's funny, like, it sounds like a silly conversation to have. It's just that when you have ten of those things, and that's what you're focused on, of course you're not feeling terribly connected in your relationship.

Of course you don't want to, you know, Get naked and snuggle up next to them and be intimate with them. Like, you're, you're focused on the empty bottles, and now you're starting to question their sanity, or their maturity, right? Sometimes we'll say, oh, he acts like a child, right? Just because he's not doing the things that we think he should be doing in the way that we think he should be doing it.

Right? So you have to care enough about not suffering. So the only two options that include you not suffering is you throw it away yourself because it bothers you, you throw it away. That's what I do. It bothers me that the lid is not on, I put the lid on. Problem solved. Or you leave it there and you decide it's not going to bother you.

I can leave the lid off. To be honest, I could throw the lid away because I'm the only one that puts the lid back on. Maybe we just leave the q tips in the container, just like I'm telling her. You leave the empty body wash container in the shower. Let the body wash containers pile up. We'll see what happens.

Maybe he'll get sick of seeing them. And maybe he'll empty them. But either way, it's not going to bother you. So you have to be unbothered by it. But this imaginary third option that she had to take off the table was, I'm going to say it in the right way that he's going to want to do it. My way forever.

That's not a thing. That is not a thing. And that was what was causing her suffering. Right? So my friends, we need to stop the suffering. We need to stop indulging confusion by inviting in all these different options. I promise you, in any situation, there really are only a couple options, and then there's this one annoying option that we need to take off the table and stop thinking that that's a real option, because it's not.

Because when you can narrow things down to, hey, it's A or B, it's pretty easy for most of us to be able to choose between A or B. What's not easy Is to make a decision when there's option A, option A1, A2, A3, option B, option C, option D, option 5, option E, F, G, H, I, like, that's not easy. Of course you're paralyzed.

Of course you're stuck. You want to become more decisive? Narrow it down to two options. three max and identify the one option that you've been indulging that you need to just abandon because it's not a real thing. When you can get there, you can become very decisive. You can make decisions quickly and you're not going to second guess those decisions because you're making them based upon what you know to be true in that moment and you're also kind of saying to yourself that I'm not willing to suffer.

There's enough suffering in life. Right? We have enough things that come at us in this life that cause us suffering. We do not need to go looking for new ways to suffer or remain stuck. All right? So hopefully that is helpful to you so that you can become more decisive whether it's about your marriage or about the Q tip container inside your own marriage, right?

Little stuff can add up to big stuff. So Just get at what are the, what are the few narrow options until next time, please take really good care. If you're listening to this podcast because you're struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you're serious about finding that answer, it's time to book a truth and clarity session with a member of my team on the call.

We'll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there's a fit for you and I to work together so you can make and execute the right decision for you and your marriage. Go to ClarityForMyMarriage. com to fill out an application now. That's ClarityForMyMarriage. com.