Episode 103: Advice That Made a Difference to Me

Welcome to the Loving Truth Podcast, where it's all about finding clarity, confidence, and peace in the face of marriage challenges. And now, your host, relationship expert and certified master life coach, Sharon Pope. Hello, loves. This is Sharon Pope, and this is the Loving Truth. Today I want to share with you some pieces of advice that I have gotten over the years that made a real difference in my life.

You know, sometimes I think it's just the simplest things that we appreciate the most and that can really stick with us because things that are simple, things that are short and simple, they're easy to remember and sort of embody. And so a few words really can make a big difference. It's why I love words. I love quotes. I pay attention to them. Some of my favorite quotes are things like a miracle is a shift in thinking from fear to love.

That's from A Course in Miracles. And what I love about that quote is that it just. It makes something like a miracle very approachable because it's just that moment when we shift our thinking from a place of fear to a place of love, that in and of itself is a miracle. Right. Sometimes we think of miracles, have to be like a person who was almost dead came back to life like something really, really big.

When miracles can happen every single day in really small, subtle ways, should we choose to view them through that lens? Another one. I have several favorite Maya Angelou quotes. She was so brilliant with words, but I really love her quote, every storm runs out of rain. And every time I am in the midst of a storm, I remind myself of that. That eventually every storm runs out of rain.

And then another one that I use all the time is from Glennon Doyle. We can do hard things. Right? That alone. My clients will repeat that back to me because when we remind ourselves that, look, we have done lots of hard things in our lives, and is this situation that we're facing, call it the struggles in our marriage that a difficult thing? Yeah. But are we up to it?

Yeah. Yeah, we are. Because when we remind ourselves that we've done a lot of hard things, then we'll step up in a new way in our current situation and inside of our current circumstances. So those are some quotes I love. But now to the pieces of advice. So there are a few pieces of advice that came from some really unlikely sources in my life that I just wanted to share with you.

So the first one I remember, this was probably 14 or 15 years ago at this point. It was a long time ago, and I was in this little restaurant bar, and my girlfriend and I. We were sitting there at the bar, and we were having a cocktail, and there was a musician there. She was a singer, and then she had someone doing piano. And so it was just this very chill, jazzy sort of vibe.

I didn't know this woman. I had seen her perform before, and I liked her music. I liked her singing. I thought she was super soulful. I loved it. But I didn't know her. I had just, you know, been in an audience a few times when she had been performing. So my girlfriend and I were sitting there at the bar, and we're conquering all of life's challenges. I'm sure I don't remember what we were talking about, but I do remember that very much during that timeframe of my life, I was striving and I was pushing, I was chasing.

I was using a lot of, like, forceful energy. I call it gsd, get shit done energy of whether we were talking about my love life or we were talking about business. Whatever it was, I was going to make it happen. Like, there was a lot of forceful, call it masculine energy in me at that time. And she, the performer, took a break, and on her way through the restaurant, she walked by us in the bar, and we sat there and just spoke for two minutes, three minutes, something like that, right?

And I think we just said, like, hey, beautiful set. Thank you so much. Blah, blah, blah. And somehow I don't remember exactly how the conversation went, but here's what she said to us. She said, ladies, let life come to you. And at the time, I didn't know what the heck she meant. She said, let life come to you a little bit. I thought, okay. It literally took me years.

But it stuck with me. But years later, now I understand exactly what she meant by that, is that I don't have to make everything happen. I don't have to force everything. I have no idea how she knew that about me, but it for sure was applicable. It for sure was relevant in my life. And what she meant by let life come to you is more allowing, more trusting that the universe has you.

Your heart is beating on its own every day. Your lungs are breathing. You, even when you're asleep, you don't have to make everything happen. And sometimes what the universe can bring to you can be better than what you could ever make happen on your own. So it's more allowing. It's more trusting. And along those lines, the way I think about it is that, like, if you put your boat in the water, in a stream that's running downstream, okay, and you put your boat in the water and you point it upstream, and you take your oars, and you're paddling like crazy, trying to get upstream like you'll make some progress.

You will. But that's because you're thinking, is that everything you want in your life is upstream, when really it's downstream. Everything you want is downstream, and you don't have to force it and make it happen. And by the way, you don't even have to turn the boat around in the water. You just let go of the oars, and the stream will take you to everything that you want.

So it's two different ways of approaching life. One is very striving and forceful energy, and the other is very open and allowing and trusting. And she was inviting us to be more open and allowing and trusting. So those words, let life come to you. I still remember them to this day. So here's another one. Another person that was sort of an unlikely character to have taught me something, because I didn't really like this guy much.

Like, if you would ask me, you know, do you want to have dinner with this person? I'd be like, no, I don't want to spend any time with this person. He was super arrogant and very entitled and just thought he knew everything. But he did give me one piece of advice. So I remember that this was back when I was in marketing, and we were standing in the back of the room.

Why someone. Why someone else was up presenting in front of an audience? Okay, so I can't. I know I was going to present that day. I can't remember if I had already presented or I was going to present. But regardless, at this point, I was in the back of the room and someone else was up front, and they were doing their presentation, and there was something that that person was saying, and I can't remember what it was because, again, this was more than 10 years ago, probably closer to 15.

And they were talking about something that was getting me all riled up. Like, I was getting mad about whatever it was that they were talking about or insinuating or whatever. And the guy who was standing behind me, who I didn't really like, he was standing behind me, and he must have just been able to feel my blood start to boil or my face turn red or whatever. But it wasn't like we were standing face to face.

Like, he was behind me. And I could feel my anxiety and my anger start to build in my body. And he leans over to me and he whispers in my ear, don't give it life now, at that point, some momentum had gotten going for me, right? Think of it like a train. Train starts out slow, and then it gets faster, and then it gets faster, and then it gets faster, and then it's really rolling and it's going full steam.

I wasn't full steam, but I had gotten some momentum going. But now I still use that phrase in my life over and over again. Don't give it life. And here's what he meant by that. Don't give it life. What he meant was, wherever you place your attention and wherever you place your focus, that is what is going to get bigger. It's like feeding a monster, right? And the more you feed it, the bigger it gets.

And so your attention is essentially feeding into it. You get to choose what you give life to. But we need to become more conscious about what we give life to. If we're giving life to all the things that rile us up and get us anxious or get us angry, then that is what is going to become bigger in our experience. But not every monster needs to be fed.

Not every question needs to be answered. Not every single thing do you have to give your attention to, especially when it makes you feel like crap. So his simple words from this man who I. You know, he wasn't a friend of mine or anything, but he did. He was my teacher that day. And it sticks with me to this day of don't give it life. You get to choose what you give life to choose wisely.

So now this is another example, and this is more of a feeling, although there were words. So I don't know, this might sound a little strange. When I was going through. I was. I was separated from my first husband. I was going through my divorce. Even though I was the one that made that decision for us, it doesn't mean I bypassed the pain of it. And during that time, usually on Sunday afternoons, I would go to where we lived.

So he stayed in the house. I moved out into an apartment. And on Sunday afternoons, many times I would go back to the house, usually to be picking up some things, but also, you know, we would talk about where we were and how we were feeling and all that kind of stuff. And it was very. It was a very, very emotional time for me. So I remember I.

I was walking up to my front door, ringing my doorbell, which is kind of a surreal experience anyway, and I was. I was upset. I was crying. And I remember standing there waiting for him to answer the door, and I was thinking to myself, you should just go back. You should just Apologize, say you're sorry. Make it right. Just go back. Make it. Make it all better. It's the easiest thing for you to do.

I had that moment of thought while I was waiting for him to answer the door. And he opened the door. And as I walked through the front door, I just heard this little voice inside of me. And all it said was, not this. I got two words. That's it. Not this. It didn't say, well, you can choose to go back, but you're going to have to do this, this, and this.

Or you can choose to not go back into your marriage. And then you're going to walk through this, this, and that like it doesn't. Our inner wisdom, that inner voice, that soul part of us, it doesn't speak in complete sentences, and it doesn't give us all the information. It just speaks in very simple words. Yes and no, stop and go. Right? That's it. Or you get something like, no, not this, or, yes, this, Right?

That's all we really get. And so I don't know whose advice that was. Maybe it was just my inner being's advice for me, but I remember it so very, very clearly. Another piece of advice came from my best friend, Tracy. So she has given me lots of advice over the years, and she is a brilliant, spiritual woman, and I'm blessed to have her as my dearest friend. And this was also in between my divorce and before I met Derek.

And so I was nursing some really deep heartbreak. And she was my ride or die during that time because I had fallen in love with someone who did not treat my heart very well and had no intention of really taking care of it. And that while now I don't have as much emotion about that at the time, that was very deep heartbreak because I love this person. And I remember one day I'm crying and I'm upset, and she said to me, he's stealing your light.

Can't you see that? And so that idea, what she was referring to, like, your light is your essence. It's that soul part of you. And because I had been so heartbroken, there was no part of me that was shining still. Right? I wasn't shining at work. I wasn't shining in my friendships. I wasn't shining in terms of being my vibrant, excited, interested self. I wasn't laughing as easily.

I wasn't loving as hard. I was. Every part of me was dimmed. And I decided that day I was like, I'm not going to let anyone steal my light. That's too high of A cost even for love. So maybe he stole my light for a moment, but not forever. So that word of advice of don't let anyone steal your light, I think is one that can make a difference for a lot of people as well.

So I wanted to share that with you. So another example, and this wasn't advice as much as maybe it was just a quote on a wall. So it was Thanksgiving weekend. My husband and I had been married 11 years, 11 and a half years at this point. This is my first marriage. And we were sitting there, we were out to dinner with some friends. And it was just this.

It was like a little house that had been turned into a restaurant. So it was very quaint, and they had it sort of decorated like a house. So we were in rooms with just like three or four tables in each room. And I was very preoccupied because I had been really, really struggling in the marriage, and I had been contemplating leaving. And there was a picture on the wall.

I had two cherries on it. And it looked like almost like an old fashioned can of goods or something. Like, almost like it was on a can. And it said, we tend to seek happiness. And then below it said, when happiness is actually a choice. And I sat there, I remember that there was four of us there, myself and my husband, and then this other couple. And they were all talking, talking, talking, and I was very distracted.

And I kept staring at that picture on the wall that said, we tend to seek happiness when happiness is actually a choice. And it was two days later that I told my husband that I was done and that I was moving out. So that little simple picture had an impact on me. All right, two more. So one time, this is when Derek and I were dating and living together, but we weren't married yet.

And we were staying in an apartment on the second floor of a place. And I had gone grocery shopping. And I came home. This was. I had been at work all day. I went grocery shopping. And then I came home and I get all the groceries out of the trunk, and I have the bags, like, stacked up on my arm. Like probably five or six bags on each arm, right?

And they were heavy. And then I had to go to the door, and I had to use the key fob to get myself in through the lock. And then I had to climb the stairs to get to the second floor. And then I showed up at the door, and I'm struggling to, like, open the door, messing with the doorknob and stuff. And he comes running and he opens the door because he hears me at the door, probably struggling.

And he opens the door, and I'm standing there with all these bags, and he starts taking the bags off my arm. And he's like, what are you doing? And I was like, I'm carrying groceries in. What do you think I'm doing? Like, seemed very obvious to me. He's like, no, no, no. What? Why didn't you call me? I would come down and help you. He said, you don't have to struggle, baby.

And I was like, struggle, like, all I do is struggle. I struggle at work, I struggle at home. I struggle to carry in groceries. I struggle because I have too much on my to do list. I, like, struggle was like, my middle name. So the day that he said, you don't have to struggle, baby, that stuck with me. And so now I ask for help more frequently. I tell people what I need, and I don't make it mean anything about me because it's not that I can't do it.

It's just that you don't have to do it all, and you don't have to do it all on your own. So, baby, you don't have to struggle. And the last one I will share with you is this was from my mentor and coach, Martha Beck. So the word of advice was. Or the piece of advice was, you will know truth when you feel it. Truth is more of a feeling than it is a fact.

You know when something is true because you feel it differently in your body. One time, Martha Beck said to us, this was in my master coach training, and she said, can you sit still until the water runs still? Can you sit still until the water runs still? And it's like this idea of you're throwing pebbles in the water in a pond, and that's the. The challenges in your life, the issues, the stuff you're dealing with.

And can you just be. Until that water runs still? And from that place of stillness, you know truth for you, what is true for you, and what is not true for you. And so the more time that we can spend in that place of stillness, we can access our truth. And the more that we can live from a place of our truth, the happier we're going to be.

It's when we try to put on a facade or we try to do what other people want us to do, that it doesn't really serve us. So as I was thinking about different pieces of advice that I had received over the years and what has stuck with me, those were all the biggies that I wanted to share with you. And I hope that at least you are able to grab ahold of one of those and use it for yourself in your life, in your struggles, in the challenges that you're facing.

Whether they're love and relationship focused or they're focused on family or work or whatever. I hope you've been able to at least take one of those away and use it and adopt it as your own. All right, until next time, please take really good care. If you're listening to this podcast because you're struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you're serious about finding that answer, it's time to book a Truth and Clarity session with a member of my team on the call.

We'll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there's a fit for you and I to work together so you can make and execute the right decision for you and your marriage. Go to clarityformymarriage.com to fill out an application. Now that's clarityformymarriage.com.