Episode 74: Are We Operating From Love or Fear?

by | Last updated: Apr 23, 2024 | Podcast

“What is not Love is always Fear.” -from A Course In Miracles, scribed by Helen Schucman

In other words, the opposite of love is not hate… it’s fear. And we unconsciously live within fear-based decisions when we misunderstand our options!

We have only two: LOVE or FEAR.

So how do we know if we’re making choices based in fear… or with love?

This choice shows up most prominently in our marriage relationships, and in this episode I’ll explain why – plus the question to ask if you’re unsure where your own decisions stem from (and how to do things differently).

Listen to the Full Episode:

What You’ll Learn In This Episode:

1:09 – Fear is sneaky, because it’s often unconscious
3:16 – Here’s why it shows up most obviously in our marriages
4:20 – You think it’s love… but is it based in fear?
5:34 – This is everyone’s deepest fear…
6:06 – Why the motivation behind your action is important
7:57 – Here’s what I ask myself when I’m unsure about a decision

Featured On What’s Suppressing Your Desire?

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Struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you’re serious about finding that answer?

Book a Truth & Clarity Session with a member of my team. We’ll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there’s a fit for you and I to work together so you can make - and execute - the RIGHT decision for YOU and your marriage.

Welcome to the Loving Truth Podcast, where it's all about finding clarity, confidence, and peace in the face of marriage challenges. And now, your host relationship expert and certified master life coach, Sharon Pope. This is Sharon Pope, and this is the Loving Truth. Today we're gonna talk about fear and love. So there is a quote, a famous quote from a Course in Miracles that says The opposite of love is not hate,

it's fear. So we unconsciously choose fear way more often than any of us would probably care to admit. And it's really because we don't understand this principle that we only have these two choices in any given moment given the circumstances of our lives. Every decision we make is coming from a place of love, or it's coming from a place of fear. And when we can become more conscious of that,

well then we might not choose fear as frequently as we do. So let's talk about the ways in which we might choose fear and what that can look like, because I don't think any of us show up to our lives going, I can't wait to choose my my fearful thoughts so that then I can make bad decisions. Like no one's thinking that, no one's saying that,

but it's sneaky and it shows up in really subtle ways. Sometimes we might even think it's love, but it's fear. So when we choose to avoid having an important conversation with our spouse because it feels hard or it feels difficult, or it feels vulnerable, that's choosing fear, right? When it's just easier to not have that conversation than it is to have it.

That's choosing fear over love because love would choose to share your heart, to share your feelings with your partner. When we say we're fine and we're not fine, that's choosing fear. It's a lie to protect ourselves so that people won't dig a little more. They won't know that we're struggling. So we put on this mask, we put on the happy face,

choosing to do the same thing night after night, and getting into this really boring routine with our partners rather than attempting to connect with our partner in a new way. That's choosing fear. Even just reaching for your phone to distract yourself as opposed to sitting in silence with your partner or becoming curious again about your partner and asking them questions and being really present with them.

When we choose to back away from presence because it feels too scary and we reach for our phone to distract us, that's fear, my friends. So it's really subtle and it shows up in small ways, but if you look at it through that lens, we choose fear an awful lot on any given day, don't we? And especially inside of our relationships,

because nowhere. But in our most intimate relationships, are we going to get challenged in the same way as as we do inside of our most intimate relationships. We're like, it's going to help us grow. Our intimate relationships will challenge us in ways that your life won't be able to challenge you in that particular way because it's gonna require you to go, are you gonna choose fear or love?

Are you gonna choose fear or love? And it's gonna keep asking you, are you going to choose love? Are you going to choose what's loving? Because sometimes it's gonna feel uncomfortable and sometimes it's gonna feel risky, and sometimes it's gonna feel vulnerable, and sometimes it's not gonna work out. And then you're gonna have feelings of rejection or that you're a failure or worry or doubt or insecurity.

You're gonna feel some negative emotions inside your most intimate relationships. So it's going to call you higher and it's gonna ask you over and over and over again, are you gonna choose fear or are you going to choose love? Now, there's a whole host of things that we also do that we look at it through the lens as though it's love or loving,

or really it's based in fear. Because when we drill down to what the motivation is behind why we do it, it's fear based. So let me give you a few examples. When we overdo for everybody else, and we lose ourselves in the process, right? So this is when we are people pleasing and we're making sure that everyone else's needs are met,

right? Our kids, our parents, our neighbors, our in-laws, our siblings, they all have what they need and they look to you to make sure that what they need gets done. But then at the end of the day, you're so exhausted and you haven't been on your own priority list in weeks or months or years. That's fear because it's being driven by wanting to be loved,

right? And when we don't feel like we're just innately worthy of love, then we feel like we have to earn it. But the motivation is coming from a place of fear because I will tell you something, every single person on the planet, their deepest fear is that they won't be loved. So we all chase it. We just chase it in different ways.

But when we overdo an over give and people please, that's something that maybe from the outside looking in looks like love because we're doing for other people and we, we feel good about it. But when we lose ourselves in the process and we look at the motivation behind it, it's really a fear-based decision. Now, let me give you another example. When we overlook bad or hurtful behavior from someone else,

and we don't set a healthy and loving boundary for ourselves because we want to be liked or loved, we don't set a boundary for ourselves and we just overlook or accommodate bad behavior inside of our relationships. That too is fear-based, because it's all coming from a place of, I wanna be liked, I wanna be loved, I don't wanna be judged, right?

So the come from is important. The motivation behind it is important so that we can understand our own motivations and make good and solid and conscious choices for ourselves. So love is something that that all of us are chasing. We all want it, and not having it is our deepest fear. So maybe next time you see someone struggling, you might see the pain or the wound underneath it that's causing that struggle.

And you might even see it as a cry for love. They're struggling because they just wanna be loved or they're, they're overdoing for a family member because they wanna be the hero and they wanna be loved. Like if you go looking for, if you go looking at someone's choices and you look at it through the lens of human behavior and psychology, and why would they do that?

What's the motivation behind it? You're gonna come back to either fear or love. And even when someone chooses fear, you might be able to have some compassion, realizing not only do you do that kind of day in and day out, but also it's always just a cry for love wanting to be loved. So one of my very favorite questions to ask myself when I have a decision point and I don't really know which way to go or what to do,

I will just stop and ask what would love do? And that usually brings to mind the best possible answer for me in that moment. All right. I hope that's helpful for you. Until next time, take good care. If you're listening to this podcast because you're struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you're serious about finding that answer,

it's time to book a Truth and Clarity session with a member of my team. On the call, we'll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there's a fit for you and I to work together so you can make and execute the right decision for you and your marriage. Go to clarity for my marriage.com to fill out an application now that's clarity for my marriage.com.


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