Episode 119: Relationship Advice for Men

Hello, loves, this is Sharon Pope, and this is the Loving Truth, and I've got some truth for you today. Now, today's episode is really dedicated to the men in our lives, because I think that the disconnection in our marriages show up sometimes in really subtle, small ways, and we don't realize how big of a deal it is, or I would say that men don't realize how big of a deal it is for women.

So why not clue them in, why not give them the information to do it a little better, because they want to have a good, healthy marriage, just like we do. I think sometimes they just don't really get it or they don't know how, because there's not a lot of relationship courses for men. There are more and more today that they can take advantage of, but whether or not they choose to take advantage, that's a whole different thing. So let me tell you a story.

When I was in my first marriage, we went out to dinner with another couple, and this was a couple who we had known for years, and they were two gay guys and we show up to the restaurant and we're given hugs and hellos and all that.

And one of the guys he said to my husband, did you tell your wife how hot she looks tonight? And he goes yeah. And I looked at him and I said no, you didn't. You said I looked cute. Cute is very different than hot and we had a little giggle about it that night, but it does drive home the difference. Like he would tell me once in a while that I look nice or I look cute, but he would never say that I looked beautiful or it's certainly not hot.

And so I remembered this story because one of my clients recently told me about her experience, about how in her marriage it was on Valentine's Day and she went out and she got some new lingerie and her husband didn't even notice. And she said and I'm going to tell you what, I looked good in it too. I'm just saying he did not even notice that she was in lingerie. He didn't even see her. She can't even remember whether or not he made eye contact with her, and so he didn't see it, he didn't acknowledge it, he didn't make a move on her.
It was Valentine's Day. He said goodnight and he went to sleep and that was that. And then a few days later, he wants to be intimate. And she's like what the hell? Like, you didn't even notice me a few days ago and now you wanna be intimate. So it's not that he doesn't want to have sex with his wife, it's not because he doesn't desire his wife, it's because he's not paying attention.

And here's the thing, folks, words have power, and so saying something like you look nice or you look cute or you look pretty is entirely different than saying you look beautiful, darling, you look amazing, you look incredible, or, god forbid. We say, wow, you look hot.
Right, those words have power. But it's not really about the words and that example from my client. It's not really about the lingerie or the sex or the fact that it was Valentine's Day. It's about noticing your partner. It's about seeing them and acknowledging them. It's about paying attention and, in doing so, keeping desire alive in the relationship.

Right, and this isn't rocket science, it's not that hard. And yet most of the time we don't do it, you know, and likewise, maybe women don't do it. For men either. Maybe we don't notice or we don't do it, you know, and likewise, maybe women don't do it for men either. Maybe we don't notice or we don't acknowledge as much as we should, because it's about the words, but it's really about the energy that's behind it.

And I will tell you now. I'm in my second marriage to my husband D, and there is like I come home from a haircut and he's always like, oh my gosh, it looks amazing. She always does such a great job. Or I get my nails done and he's like, oh my gosh, they look so nice, they look beautiful, babe. Or I get dressed up to go out to dinner or whatever, and he's always telling me you look amazing, dressed up to go out to dinner or whatever, and he's always telling me you look amazing, you're beautiful. Babe, gives me a kiss, you know what I mean. And it's just the noticing right. That costs him nothing, it requires very little, but I'm going to tell you what man. That goes a long way.

And so, gentlemen, notice, pay attention. These are the things that when you start to feel like they're the ingredients that go into feeling good about a marriage, it's like you can bake a cake without sugar, but it's not going to taste very good, so we need to add some sugar to the cake, so it will taste good.

Like you can have a marriage without ever noticing or paying attention to your wife, but it's not going to feel great for either of you, but especially for her, because she wants to be noticed, she wants to be acknowledged, and I bet you do too.

The other thing I will tell you is that, while every single person on the planet can get better at communication everyone can. I'm not just saying that, but we've got to get comfortable with the idea that you're going to need to communicate more than you think you should, or more than you are comfortable with inside your marriage.

Communication is literally the foundation of the house that you are building. Communication is literally the foundation of the house that you are building. So if that foundation is sand and you start building a house on top of it, metaphorically speaking, that's your marriage, that's kids, that's a home, maybe a second home, it's goals and dreams and retirement plans and all the things. You're building this house, but you're building it on sand because you, too, are not able to communicate, because you like to remain in your comfort zones and communication isn't maybe your strong suit and it's not the place that you feel really, really comfortable.

I'm going to tell you something. You need to get comfortable with it. We can all get more comfortable with communication. We can all get more comfortable with communication and we can all get better at communication.

And when you do and there's plenty of books, plenty of courses, plenty of teachers, there's so many ways that you can get better at communication in your most intimate relationship and when you do, it will improve every single relationship you have, including the relationship that you have with yourself, because you won't be telling yourself lies that you then believe and then use that as an excuse to hold you back in your life.

You'll be able to do so many more things when you open up to this idea that, yep, I need to show up, I need to communicate in my marriage, I need to see and acknowledge my wife. These are basics, folks, but so many times we don't do it and then we find ourselves on what I call the rumble strip.

You think about those grooves on the side of the road. You know where, if you start to veer off the road, those grooves are meant to alert you, so that you get back in your lane, like if you're falling asleep or you're distracted and you veer off the road. It alerts you so that you get back in your lane and you're safe. But if you don't pay attention when you're on the rumble strip, like if you just flat out fall asleep, then you're going to end up in the ditch, right. And so this is what happens when we fall asleep in our marriage, we end up in a ditch.

And then your spouse comes to you and says I think this marriage is over. And you're like wait a minute, what? And they act like they're just dumbfounded, like it came out of nowhere. And she's like I've been telling you for years that I've been struggling. I've been telling you I'm unhappy, I've been telling you I've been disconnected. And then you know what I hear sometimes. I didn't think you were serious, I didn't know it was that serious. You should have said it louder, really, really.

And now that she's done all this work to get to this place of where she knows that the relationship cannot evolve to a new place, now her husband wants to do all the things and wants to save the relationship.

We'll do anything to save the marriage where you wouldn't even do the bare minimum five or 10 years ago. Those bare minimums, my friend, if you are on the rumble strip you do the bare minimums of just showing up, just noticing, just communicating, just being interested in your partner.

That will get you back in your lane, that'll get you back to a place of safety inside your relationship. But when you ignore the rumble strip, you end up in a ditch your relationship. But when you ignore the rumble strip, you end up in a ditch. Then please do not act surprised, because she's been pushing you over on that rumble strip for a long time, begging for some engagement, begging for some investment into the relationship, and it's not just going to go away.

I will tell you, when a woman stops communicating with you, that's when you should worry. Most men go oh gosh, thank God Now she's not nagging me anymore. She doesn't want to talk all the time. At least now she's upstairs reading her book and I'll just fall asleep here on the couch with my beer and watching TV, like that seems easier than having conversation with my wife.

Except that's when you should really be worried. That's when you should be paying attention, because if you don't, it's just a matter of time before she's coming to you saying we're all done here.

And sometimes I'm going to tell you that when she says we're all done. There's no coming back from that, there's no re-bridging that, because it takes so much to get to that place of where you're ready and able to say those words to someone. That's a big deal. No one takes that lightly. And now you want to do all the things. Sometimes it's just too little, too late.

Or in the words of Kelsey Bellarini were you blindsided or were you just blind? Were you sticking your head in the sand and pretending that it was okay, pretending that it'll just go away?

She'll go back to being fine with fine. She'll go back to not asking for more and She'll go back to you know, not asking for more, and then I won't have to do anything. That feels uncomfortable to me. Or should I really just pay attention when she's saying I need you, I need you to show up. I feel disconnected, I feel unhappy. Those are all code, for I'm drowning over here, I'm by myself and if you don't join me, we're going to be in a lot of trouble very soon.

All right, so while this conversation began a bit lighthearted with, like telling your wife she looks hot, there's really some important conversations here in terms of you know, sometimes what seems so easy we still don't do, and so I know some of you many of you are women who listen to this podcast and you might want to share this with your spouse, because I might be able to say it in a way that maybe you haven't been able to say, and he might resist and it's fine, and say, oh, that woman's crazy. It's fine, like I don't care. But if one person is able to be on that rumble strip and course correct and not end up in the ditch, then, my friends, it was worth it.

And if you have ideas around, if you could give men a relationship tip, what would it be? I would love to hear from you. So just put it in the comments or share it with me, because I would love to hear what you would want men to know. Maybe we'll do a follow-up episode. All right, until next time, take good care.