Episode 121: Ask Sharon: Why doesn’t he do more?

Today, on the Loving Truth, I'm giving you a behind-the-scenes look at my signature program, the Decision, which is the only place where I offer direct coaching. You'll hear real questions from members navigating the uncertainty of their relationship, along with my coaching and insights to help them move toward clarity. If you've ever felt stuck, unsure whether to stay or go, these conversations may give you the answers you've been searching for. Let's dive in.

Okay. So there is a woman that she's a parenting coach. She's a good friend of mine. Her name is Lisa and she was telling me this story when I was on her podcast one day. She was telling me about how they were getting ready for dinner. They had 12 people coming to their house for a really nice dinner One of those we sit around the dining room table dinners right.

So that morning probably days before, she had thought about the menu of what she wanted to make. And then that morning she went to the grocery store, bought all the things, got home, unloaded all the things from the trunk, then put all the things away, then started cooking, cooking and cooking and chopping and doing all the things. And it was around probably two o'clock in the afternoon when her husband came to her and was like, hey, I want to make sure that I'm awake for this thing, this little shindig. I want to make sure I'm present and awake, so I'm going to go take a nap. She was like she sat there and thought about it. She's like first of all, how can you actually sleep? There's so much to do, we can't possibly sleep right now. She's in like doer mode, right and no. He went upstairs and he took a nap for like 30, 45 minutes, something like that. And of course she was a little peeved about it, right, because she's doing all the doing, she's doing all the things and she's wondering why aren't you doing all the things with me? Because if you were doing all the things and I was doing all the things that I wouldn't be so stressed right now. So you are the cause of my stress. So that's kind of a funny one.

I'll tell you another one, though that is not funny, but I know anyone who has had a child will relate to this story. So let me think of a name, for this person will relate to this story. So let me think of a name for this person I don't know. Let's call her Sally. I always make up names and I can never remember who it is. So Sally had a baby and the baby was born a little bit premature. So during that time Sally was working weekends and she had this newborn baby who she was breastfeeding and the baby needed to be fed every two hours.

And, by the way, sally was going through postpartum depression and she was feeling all alone because her husband worked a shift that was like two o'clock to 10 o'clock at night. I don't know what he was Maybe it was like a restaurant or a bar, I don't know what it was but he was working like later into the evening. Well, then he got off work and he wasn't ready to go to sleep. He wasn't ready to wind down. So he'd go out with his friends drinking for a few hours to wind down with a newborn baby at home. Right, no, I know I'm with you, I see the heads going. So he goes out drinking and then sometimes, when he wasn't feeling well, he'd be like well, I'm not feeling well tonight, so I want to make sure I get a good night's rest. So I'm going to go sleep in the spare room, all the while like not saying like how are you doing? How are you feeling? How can I help you? Like is there? Because obviously he's just thinking I can't breastfeed, so I'm useless in this situation. So I might as well do what I want to do in this situation. So I might as well do what I want to do.

Both of those examples are the ways in which we over-function as women, and I see it all the time. It's not universal, because I also see under-functioning women as well. I see both, but we've seen it a little bit in the Facebook group in the last month or so and sometimes my little eyes, like Maggie and Rochelle, will be like, hey, here's a good topic, so this one was lobbed up to me a few weeks ago. So there's no one in particular and I am a self-admitted over-functioner. Even the fact that I'm a life coach telling you how to live your life tells you that I'm a chronic over-functioner. So there's no judgment here, it's just awareness.

Today, on the Loving Truth, I'm giving you a behind-the-scenes look at my signature program, the Decision, which is the only place where I offer direct coaching. You'll hear real questions from members navigating the uncertainty of their relationship, along with my coaching and insights to help them move toward clarity. If you've ever felt stuck, unsure whether to stay or go, these conversations may give you the answers you've been searching for. Let's dive in.

Okay. So there is a woman that she's a parenting coach. She's a good friend of mine. Her name is Lisa and she was telling me this story when I was on her podcast one day. She was telling me about how they were getting ready for dinner. They had 12 people coming to their house for a really nice dinner One of those we sit around the dining room table dinners right.

So that morning probably days before, she had thought about the menu of what she wanted to make. And then that morning she went to the grocery store, bought all the things, got home, unloaded all the things from the trunk, then put all the things away, then started cooking, cooking and cooking and chopping and doing all the things. And it was around probably two o'clock in the afternoon when her husband came to her and was like, hey, I want to make sure that I'm awake for this thing, this little shindig. I want to make sure I'm present and awake, so I'm going to go take a nap. She was like she sat there and thought about it. She's like first of all, how can you actually sleep? There's so much to do, we can't possibly sleep right now. She's in like doer mode, right and no. He went upstairs and he took a nap for like 30, 45 minutes, something like that. And of course she was a little peeved about it, right, because she's doing all the doing, she's doing all the things and she's wondering why aren't you doing all the things with me? Because if you were doing all the things and I was doing all the things that I wouldn't be so stressed right now. So you are the cause of my stress. So that's kind of a funny one.

I'll tell you another one, though that is not funny, but I know anyone who has had a child will relate to this story. So let me think of a name, for this person will relate to this story. So let me think of a name for this person I don't know. Let's call her Sally. I always make up names and I can never remember who it is. So Sally had a baby and the baby was born a little bit premature. So during that time Sally was working weekends and she had this newborn baby who she was breastfeeding and the baby needed to be fed every two hours.

And, by the way, sally was going through postpartum depression and she was feeling all alone because her husband worked a shift that was like two o'clock to 10 o'clock at night. I don't know what he was Maybe it was like a restaurant or a bar, I don't know what it was but he was working like later into the evening. Well, then he got off work and he wasn't ready to go to sleep. He wasn't ready to wind down. So he'd go out with his friends drinking for a few hours to wind down with a newborn baby at home. Right, no, I know I'm with you, I see the heads going. So he goes out drinking and then sometimes, when he wasn't feeling well, he'd be like well, I'm not feeling well tonight, so I want to make sure I get a good night's rest. So I'm going to go sleep in the spare room, all the while like not saying like how are you doing? How are you feeling? How can I help you? Like is there? Because obviously he's just thinking I can't breastfeed, so I'm useless in this situation. So I might as well do what I want to do in this situation. So I might as well do what I want to do.

Both of those examples are the ways in which we over-function as women, and I see it all the time. It's not universal, because I also see under-functioning women as well. I see both, but we've seen it a little bit in the Facebook group in the last month or so and sometimes my little eyes, like Maggie and Rochelle, will be like, hey, here's a good topic, so this one was lobbed up to me a few weeks ago. So there's no one in particular and I am a self-admitted over-functioner. Even the fact that I'm a life coach telling you how to live your life tells you that I'm a chronic over-functioner. So there's no judgment here, it's just awareness.

Okay, so let's define what over-functioning and under-functioning is. It's pretty self-explanatory, but whenever we are faced with a challenge or a set of a bunch of tasks, the extremes are. There's someone that might go into the fixing mode or taking control of the situation, or making a to-do list and navigating that to-do list or offering advice. Right, they're the ones that are in control of that situation and they're usually responsible for getting things done. Or there's someone that will pull back. They might plead for help, although more often than not, what they do is they just hang back and they assume that someone else is going to pick up the responsibility. And why do they assume that? Because they always have. If they hang back, someone else is going to make sure it happens. So that's the over-functioning and under-functioning dynamic.

Now most of us will look at the over-functioners as the productive ones and we have a hard time seeing it as a problem, especially when we are the over-functioner I'm like, look at all that I get done. And we look at the under-functioners as, like, lazy or deadbeats or whatever. We look at over-functioners as the people who have their lives in order, where we look at the under-functioners as the problem children, the unmotivated employee or the difficult partner in the relationship. So that's what over-functioning and under-functioning is. It's how we perceive it also. Now, why do we do it? Why do we over-function or under-function?

I was amazed to find this out. I find it fascinating whenever I learn a new little nugget, and that is it is all about anxiety. It's all about managing anxiety. The source of that anxiety is different and the way that we show up to it is different In fact opposite, but it's all anxiety. So, for instance, if you're an over-functioner, taking control helps soothe your anxiety. Because I love this quote from Brené Brown. She said for over-functioners, it's easier to do than it is to feel If I have to sit in my feelings, even the anxiety that something's going to fall on the floor. It's just easier to just do it.

So let me give you some examples, because the over-functioner takes on more than his or her fair share of responsibility. Call it for things around the house or things with the kids or with the finances, any of that kind of stuff. They overdo. They do all those things because they're afraid, like, if I don't do it, it's not going to get done. Anyone ever thought that? Anyone? I'm alone. No, see, I'm not alone. If I don't do it, it's not going to get done. But that just reinforces that under functioner's dependency upon you. So now, when the task really doesn't get done, you're like see, I have to do everything and I have to do more than everything. And now you're rushing in and maybe having to clean up a mess.

And this is the part that obviously we see a lot in the world of relationship coaching. Is that, then, we carry resentments about that? Is that, then, we carry resentments about that? And those resentments oftentimes go unexpressed, at least directly.

We use passive, aggressive shit all the time, though, don't we? We're like we stomp around, we get the silent treatment we might like shut the cabinet door really hard, like so that he can pick up on our passive, aggressive signals and step up. It doesn't work right. All the things that we will do to avoid the difficult conversation, it all comes back to having a very difficult conversation about like, look, we created lots of responsibilities in our lives. We both chose to create those things. Now we've got to negotiate and sometimes renegotiate what is each of us responsible for. But we never did that initially, and so now it's broken because we each have assumptions about who's going to do what, and then one person ends up doing way more than they should and the other person hangs back and all of it's about anxiety. So all the resentments obviously stack up right.

And the longer you carry those resentments because even if you're like, oh well, I never said anything, it doesn't matter, you're carrying it it's like every time you felt like you did more than your fair share and your partner wasn't being very partner-y to you, those little things add up right. It's like my little bite-sized chocolates. I think they might add up to a full-size candy bar, but I haven't bought a candy bar in probably 20 years. But those bite-sized things I'm like that's the greatest marketing invention ever.

So over-functioners aren't great. This is the other big deal. Over-functioners are not great at honoring what they need, but under-functioners are. The guy went and took a nap before 12 people came over. He's thinking I got to make sure I'm awake. She's like I got to make sure we have dinner on the table for 12 people. So under functioners tend to be really good at getting their needs met. Over functioners aren't. And then we resent our partner because our needs aren't getting met. Dang it All right.

So, as always, we got to own our part in this right, because it's the only path. To freedom is when we can just look at ourselves and go yep, did that, because maybe we didn't only just allow it, but we co-signed on it. We enabled it. Maybe for years or decades we just kept doing that dance and oftentimes, whenever we expressed how disgruntled we were, then we did it in the heat of the moment, where we're not hearing each other anyway. Right, we're not having these open, honest, direct conversations from a calmer place of where we can have realistic discussions about how are we going to?

We've taken on a lot in our lives. There's a lot to do here. How are we going to divide and conquer this? What makes the most sense? What are you really good at? What am I really good at? Like having those kinds of conversations that's going to go so much further than see, I have to do everything around here, and then he gets defensive or she gets defensive, right, and then it spirals and nothing gets accomplished.

So then when we carry the resentments about it, they get bigger and bigger because we won't express them, and when we do, it's more of like an explosion, like I was called the beach ball held underwater. We think not expressing things is the ideal path, because then you get to keep the peace. But the problem with that is that eventually you're going to get tired and you're going to let go and the beach ball is going to come up and smack you in the face, right. So some of these things just have to get expressed and we can have the difficult conversations. But most of us wait until there's a big blow up, because that's when we have courage. When we're angry, we have more courage and that's when we try to have the difficult conversations. But most of us wait until there's a big blow up, because that's when we have courage. When we're angry, we have more courage and that's when we try to have the difficult conversations.

So here's what we're talking about today, everyone. We're talking about quitting, why we quit on ourselves and why we quit on our goals. And so I'm going to start with a quote that sort of punched me in the throat this morning as I was thinking about this, and this is a quote from Burt Castillo. She said quitting is a habit. Justifying quitting is a skill. Oh, ouch right. So here's what I was thinking about this morning.

I was walking home from Pilates class and I was thinking to myself you know what? I've been doing Pilates now for five or six months very consistently, and it was really really hard for me to do at the beginning, and now I'm getting so much better at it and it's easier. And there were times that I thought about quitting because I hurt my shoulder at one point, I hurt my thumb at one point, and it was all Pilates related, and I'm like, oh, I just can't do this, I'll injure myself, and I could have used that as an excuse to quit and I didn't. I just sort of kept with it and now it's easier. So I know you understand that from a physical perspective. But think about it like this Anything that we practice, but think about it like this Anything that we practice, we ultimately get better at it right? So I practiced Pilates and I did it consistently and I got better at it. If you were learning Italian and you practiced it consistently, you would get better at it. Here's the road. If we are practicing quitting, we are building a muscle to help us quit more often in the future. We're just learning how to quit better and faster on ourselves and our dreams and our goals, and it's only because we've practiced it.

So think about it from the perspective of your primitive, lizard mind. Your lizard mind does not want you to commit to any big goal to begin with, right. It just wants you to hunker down, stay inside, grab a slice of pizza and numb out on Netflix. That's what your primitive mind wants you to do. It doesn't want you to work through the shoulder pain. It doesn't want you to have the difficult conversation with your spouse or your soon-to-be ex. It doesn't want you to do all those scary things. So it never wants you to commit to any kind of new outcome, because new is scary. But think about it.

So when I'm doing Pilates and let's say they're doing like a, what's the hardest thing that I do? Like if they're doing bridging or biceps. Those are the two things that I'm like oh my God, this is so hard. When I'm done, there's a relief, right. So I do the workout, this is hard, this is hard, this is hard, and I want to give up. And then, as soon as I give up, there's a relief in that right. There's like a oh so we only do things that serve us. So quitting although it sounds like a horrible idea and we should never quit, there's actually a reason we do it and it's for that relief.

Now we're going to talk about how that doesn't serve you on a larger level, but that short-term fix of the relief, like I remember. I don't know if we have any runners in this group, we don't really talk about exercise that much, but I remember whenever I would run, I would never hit that runner's high. I think maybe one time I hit what they call a runner's high, but otherwise I don't really know what that is or what that feels like. Running is always hard for me and every time I would stop it was like, oh, sweet, relief, right. So when we quit, there's that feeling of relief which your primitive mind loves, right, that part of your brain is like, which your primitive mind loves right. That part of your brain is like oh perfect, yeah, doesn't that feel good? Yeah, let's go kick back and do nothing the rest of the day.

So here's what I want you to think about why did you join this program? What did you come here to do? What did you come here to accomplish? There was something that you wanted in your life that you did not have or that you didn't feel like you could do on your own. So feel free to put it in the comments, so then I can kind of go back and forth with you and we can make this interactive.

So let's say you came here because you wanted to be able to tell your partner that for you, the marriage was over. Sometimes that's all people want. They just want to be able to have the conversation. And then they're like okay, my hard work is done, but they don't quite realize that. Then there's usually something right after that Like oh wait, we got to tell the kids. Oh wait, we got to have conversations with friends and family. Oh, I got to learn how to set healthy boundaries. Oh, how do I not create the same sort of dysfunction in another relationship in the future? So you probably didn't come here thinking, oh, sharon's going to teach me how to create a new relationship in the future, but you came here for something.

So the first question is have you achieved it? Or, if you haven't, have you considered quitting? It's interesting because we have this big launch in January and it's now May, and Madison could tell you exactly how many. I don't get hung up on it because I try to not pay attention to people that just quit on themselves, but let's say that there's a solid 25 or 35 of those people that already have quit the program. So they either got the one thing that they came here for or they quit on themselves and they gave up what it is that they wanted to achieve. So that's the first piece.

The second piece is is there a new thing? Like, let's say, that just came because I needed to get the strength and courage to have the conversation, okay, great, now you did that and let's say you had the conversation. But now what? Now, what does that mean? Now we have to have other conversations and we have new problems to sort of overcome. And when things get hard and I get shaky and I start second guessing myself, how do I trust that I'm making the right decision. All of those things still have yet to be sort of tackled. So and then the other thing I would ask is are you giving up on dreaming there, on reaching for more than just what's currently on your plate in front of you? Are there things that you want from a relationship perspective that maybe you haven't allowed yourself to dream about those things or to give yourself permission to pursue those things, because you can do that in the context of this whole program. All right, here's what Alexis says help finding words to say what I want and say it eloquently, and how to tell the kids yep, and to keep moving forward after the conversation.

Yeah, that's a whole bunch of stuff that comes right on the heels of making the decision to end a marriage, but then, when it comes to opening my heart again to love and trusting and not creating the same kind of problems, so often what we think the issue is oh, I just have to find the right person. I didn't have the right person. So I just got off of a call with a client and she said the most beautiful thing. I'm sure it will be a blog post very soon. She said as I am, so this is. I was like I am. So this is. I was like, oh my gosh, it's so good, but what she's saying is, as I show up, that's how the relationship goes. When I don't show up, when I'm not present, when I'm distracted, when I'm not giving it my best, guess what, my partner's not doing any of that stuff either. But when I do those things, then they reciprocate. So it's all about the energy that you bring to it and that's how you know you can move into a new relationship and create something that looks and feels a lot different than what you had in the marriage that you're now in.

So here's the thing about quitting. I told you, whatever we practice we're going to get better at. So only you know how you quit. We all quit in different ways, but we don't call it quitting. We call it things like oh, I'm just really busy, I just got really busy, and the thought is I can't be busy and do this program at the same time.

One of the more recent ones I heard, actually from one of the membership groups, was someone said well, this doesn't feel authentic to me, it doesn't feel like me, it feels like I'm faking it. That's a way like we get really creative at creating our justification. So that's Brooke's quote. She's like quitting is just a habit that we do, but justifying quitting is a skill that we get better and better and better at. So, oh, it doesn't feel authentic or I'm confused. Confusion is always one that we can use for quitting on our dreams or quitting on what it is that we really want to create for our lives, where confusion just means you have to get into action. If I sit back and I do nothing, I learn nothing new. But the minute you get into action, well, now you get more information and now you're not confused anymore. Right? So confusion is another version of a justification.

A lot of us will say it's really hard for me to do this. I was on a call this morning and the client said that she said it's really hard for me to stay out of his business, and I was like, yeah, I totally get it, but if we put a period at the end, it's really hard. Period quit. I mean I do that. You know, I tell you about weight loss and stuff like that, with my own personal challenges with that. But it's like, oh, but it's just really hard. Period Quit. Or it's really hard that what I want is big enough to propel me through the hard. To make it okay to this is hard and I can do hard. I've done lots of hard things in my life and I am willing to do some hard in order to get the bigger desire that I want. Another one is oh, this won't work for me, or this program or this process won't work for me. I know other people can do it, but I'm a special unicorn and it won't work for me.

But that's just another version of making an excuse for yourself. That just holds you back every single time session where you'll speak with a member of my team about where you are in your marriage, what's keeping you stuck and whether my coaching is the right fit for you. You don't have to navigate this alone. Go to clarityformymarriagecom to apply now.
Okay, so let's define what over-functioning and under-functioning is. It's pretty self-explanatory, but whenever we are faced with a challenge or a set of a bunch of tasks, the extremes are. There's someone that might go into the fixing mode or taking control of the situation, or making a to-do list and navigating that to-do list or offering advice. Right, they're the ones that are in control of that situation and they're usually responsible for getting things done. Or there's someone that will pull back. They might plead for help, although more often than not, what they do is they just hang back and they assume that someone else is going to pick up the responsibility. And why do they assume that? Because they always have. If they hang back, someone else is going to make sure it happens. So that's the over-functioning and under-functioning dynamic.

Now most of us will look at the over-functioners as the productive ones and we have a hard time seeing it as a problem, especially when we are the over-functioner I'm like, look at all that I get done. And we look at the under-functioners as, like, lazy or deadbeats or whatever. We look at over-functioners as the people who have their lives in order, where we look at the under-functioners as the problem children, the unmotivated employee or the difficult partner in the relationship. So that's what over-functioning and under-functioning is. It's how we perceive it also. Now, why do we do it? Why do we over-function or under-function?

I was amazed to find this out. I find it fascinating whenever I learn a new little nugget, and that is it is all about anxiety. It's all about managing anxiety. The source of that anxiety is different and the way that we show up to it is different In fact opposite, but it's all anxiety. So, for instance, if you're an over-functioner, taking control helps soothe your anxiety. Because I love this quote from Brené Brown. She said for over-functioners, it's easier to do than it is to feel If I have to sit in my feelings, even the anxiety that something's going to fall on the floor. It's just easier to just do it.

So let me give you some examples, because the over-functioner takes on more than his or her fair share of responsibility. Call it for things around the house or things with the kids or with the finances, any of that kind of stuff. They overdo. They do all those things because they're afraid, like, if I don't do it, it's not going to get done. Anyone ever thought that? Anyone? I'm alone. No, see, I'm not alone. If I don't do it, it's not going to get done. But that just reinforces that under functioner's dependency upon you. So now, when the task really doesn't get done, you're like see, I have to do everything and I have to do more than everything. And now you're rushing in and maybe having to clean up a mess.

And this is the part that obviously we see a lot in the world of relationship coaching. Is that, then, we carry resentments about that? Is that, then, we carry resentments about that? And those resentments oftentimes go unexpressed, at least directly.

We use passive, aggressive shit all the time, though, don't we? We're like we stomp around, we get the silent treatment we might like shut the cabinet door really hard, like so that he can pick up on our passive, aggressive signals and step up. It doesn't work right. All the things that we will do to avoid the difficult conversation, it all comes back to having a very difficult conversation about like, look, we created lots of responsibilities in our lives. We both chose to create those things. Now we've got to negotiate and sometimes renegotiate what is each of us responsible for. But we never did that initially, and so now it's broken because we each have assumptions about who's going to do what, and then one person ends up doing way more than they should and the other person hangs back and all of it's about anxiety. So all the resentments obviously stack up right.

And the longer you carry those resentments because even if you're like, oh well, I never said anything, it doesn't matter, you're carrying it it's like every time you felt like you did more than your fair share and your partner wasn't being very partner-y to you, those little things add up right. It's like my little bite-sized chocolates. I think they might add up to a full-size candy bar, but I haven't bought a candy bar in probably 20 years. But those bite-sized things I'm like that's the greatest marketing invention ever.

So over-functioners aren't great. This is the other big deal. Over-functioners are not great at honoring what they need, but under-functioners are. The guy went and took a nap before 12 people came over. He's thinking I got to make sure I'm awake. She's like I got to make sure we have dinner on the table for 12 people. So under functioners tend to be really good at getting their needs met. Over functioners aren't. And then we resent our partner because our needs aren't getting met. Dang it All right.

So, as always, we got to own our part in this right, because it's the only path. To freedom is when we can just look at ourselves and go yep, did that, because maybe we didn't only just allow it, but we co-signed on it. We enabled it. Maybe for years or decades we just kept doing that dance and oftentimes, whenever we expressed how disgruntled we were, then we did it in the heat of the moment, where we're not hearing each other anyway. Right, we're not having these open, honest, direct conversations from a calmer place of where we can have realistic discussions about how are we going to?

We've taken on a lot in our lives. There's a lot to do here. How are we going to divide and conquer this? What makes the most sense? What are you really good at? What am I really good at? Like having those kinds of conversations that's going to go so much further than see, I have to do everything around here, and then he gets defensive or she gets defensive, right, and then it spirals and nothing gets accomplished.

So then when we carry the resentments about it, they get bigger and bigger because we won't express them, and when we do, it's more of like an explosion, like I was called the beach ball held underwater. We think not expressing things is the ideal path, because then you get to keep the peace. But the problem with that is that eventually you're going to get tired and you're going to let go and the beach ball is going to come up and smack you in the face, right. So some of these things just have to get expressed and we can have the difficult conversations. But most of us wait until there's a big blow up, because that's when we have courage. When we're angry, we have more courage and that's when we try to have the difficult conversations. But most of us wait until there's a big blow up, because that's when we have courage. When we're angry, we have more courage and that's when we try to have the difficult conversations.

So here's what we're talking about today, everyone. We're talking about quitting, why we quit on ourselves and why we quit on our goals. And so I'm going to start with a quote that sort of punched me in the throat this morning as I was thinking about this, and this is a quote from Burt Castillo. She said quitting is a habit. Justifying quitting is a skill. Oh, ouch right. So here's what I was thinking about this morning.

I was walking home from Pilates class and I was thinking to myself you know what? I've been doing Pilates now for five or six months very consistently, and it was really really hard for me to do at the beginning, and now I'm getting so much better at it and it's easier. And there were times that I thought about quitting because I hurt my shoulder at one point, I hurt my thumb at one point, and it was all Pilates related, and I'm like, oh, I just can't do this, I'll injure myself, and I could have used that as an excuse to quit and I didn't. I just sort of kept with it and now it's easier. So I know you understand that from a physical perspective. But think about it like this Anything that we practice, but think about it like this Anything that we practice, we ultimately get better at it right? So I practiced Pilates and I did it consistently and I got better at it. If you were learning Italian and you practiced it consistently, you would get better at it. Here's the road. If we are practicing quitting, we are building a muscle to help us quit more often in the future. We're just learning how to quit better and faster on ourselves and our dreams and our goals, and it's only because we've practiced it.

So think about it from the perspective of your primitive, lizard mind. Your lizard mind does not want you to commit to any big goal to begin with, right. It just wants you to hunker down, stay inside, grab a slice of pizza and numb out on Netflix. That's what your primitive mind wants you to do. It doesn't want you to work through the shoulder pain. It doesn't want you to have the difficult conversation with your spouse or your soon-to-be ex. It doesn't want you to do all those scary things. So it never wants you to commit to any kind of new outcome, because new is scary. But think about it.

So when I'm doing Pilates and let's say they're doing like a, what's the hardest thing that I do? Like if they're doing bridging or biceps. Those are the two things that I'm like oh my God, this is so hard. When I'm done, there's a relief, right. So I do the workout, this is hard, this is hard, this is hard, and I want to give up. And then, as soon as I give up, there's a relief in that right. There's like a oh so we only do things that serve us. So quitting although it sounds like a horrible idea and we should never quit, there's actually a reason we do it and it's for that relief.

Now we're going to talk about how that doesn't serve you on a larger level, but that short-term fix of the relief, like I remember. I don't know if we have any runners in this group, we don't really talk about exercise that much, but I remember whenever I would run, I would never hit that runner's high. I think maybe one time I hit what they call a runner's high, but otherwise I don't really know what that is or what that feels like. Running is always hard for me and every time I would stop it was like, oh, sweet, relief, right. So when we quit, there's that feeling of relief which your primitive mind loves, right, that part of your brain is like, which your primitive mind loves right. That part of your brain is like oh perfect, yeah, doesn't that feel good? Yeah, let's go kick back and do nothing the rest of the day.

So here's what I want you to think about why did you join this program? What did you come here to do? What did you come here to accomplish? There was something that you wanted in your life that you did not have or that you didn't feel like you could do on your own. So feel free to put it in the comments, so then I can kind of go back and forth with you and we can make this interactive.

So let's say you came here because you wanted to be able to tell your partner that for you, the marriage was over. Sometimes that's all people want. They just want to be able to have the conversation. And then they're like okay, my hard work is done, but they don't quite realize that. Then there's usually something right after that Like oh wait, we got to tell the kids. Oh wait, we got to have conversations with friends and family. Oh, I got to learn how to set healthy boundaries. Oh, how do I not create the same sort of dysfunction in another relationship in the future? So you probably didn't come here thinking, oh, sharon's going to teach me how to create a new relationship in the future, but you came here for something.

So the first question is have you achieved it? Or, if you haven't, have you considered quitting? It's interesting because we have this big launch in January and it's now May, and Madison could tell you exactly how many. I don't get hung up on it because I try to not pay attention to people that just quit on themselves, but let's say that there's a solid 25 or 35 of those people that already have quit the program. So they either got the one thing that they came here for or they quit on themselves and they gave up what it is that they wanted to achieve. So that's the first piece.

The second piece is is there a new thing? Like, let's say, that just came because I needed to get the strength and courage to have the conversation, okay, great, now you did that and let's say you had the conversation. But now what? Now, what does that mean? Now we have to have other conversations and we have new problems to sort of overcome. And when things get hard and I get shaky and I start second guessing myself, how do I trust that I'm making the right decision. All of those things still have yet to be sort of tackled. So and then the other thing I would ask is are you giving up on dreaming there, on reaching for more than just what's currently on your plate in front of you? Are there things that you want from a relationship perspective that maybe you haven't allowed yourself to dream about those things or to give yourself permission to pursue those things, because you can do that in the context of this whole program. All right, here's what Alexis says help finding words to say what I want and say it eloquently, and how to tell the kids yep, and to keep moving forward after the conversation.

Yeah, that's a whole bunch of stuff that comes right on the heels of making the decision to end a marriage, but then, when it comes to opening my heart again to love and trusting and not creating the same kind of problems, so often what we think the issue is oh, I just have to find the right person. I didn't have the right person. So I just got off of a call with a client and she said the most beautiful thing. I'm sure it will be a blog post very soon. She said as I am, so this is. I was like I am. So this is. I was like, oh my gosh, it's so good, but what she's saying is, as I show up, that's how the relationship goes. When I don't show up, when I'm not present, when I'm distracted, when I'm not giving it my best, guess what, my partner's not doing any of that stuff either. But when I do those things, then they reciprocate. So it's all about the energy that you bring to it and that's how you know you can move into a new relationship and create something that looks and feels a lot different than what you had in the marriage that you're now in.

So here's the thing about quitting. I told you, whatever we practice we're going to get better at. So only you know how you quit. We all quit in different ways, but we don't call it quitting. We call it things like oh, I'm just really busy, I just got really busy, and the thought is I can't be busy and do this program at the same time.

One of the more recent ones I heard, actually from one of the membership groups, was someone said well, this doesn't feel authentic to me, it doesn't feel like me, it feels like I'm faking it. That's a way like we get really creative at creating our justification. So that's Brooke's quote. She's like quitting is just a habit that we do, but justifying quitting is a skill that we get better and better and better at. So, oh, it doesn't feel authentic or I'm confused. Confusion is always one that we can use for quitting on our dreams or quitting on what it is that we really want to create for our lives, where confusion just means you have to get into action. If I sit back and I do nothing, I learn nothing new. But the minute you get into action, well, now you get more information and now you're not confused anymore. Right? So confusion is another version of a justification.

A lot of us will say it's really hard for me to do this. I was on a call this morning and the client said that she said it's really hard for me to stay out of his business, and I was like, yeah, I totally get it, but if we put a period at the end, it's really hard. Period quit. I mean I do that. You know, I tell you about weight loss and stuff like that, with my own personal challenges with that. But it's like, oh, but it's just really hard. Period Quit. Or it's really hard that what I want is big enough to propel me through the hard. To make it okay to this is hard and I can do hard. I've done lots of hard things in my life and I am willing to do some hard in order to get the bigger desire that I want. Another one is oh, this won't work for me, or this program or this process won't work for me. I know other people can do it, but I'm a special unicorn and it won't work for me.

But that's just another version of making an excuse for yourself. That just holds you back every single time session where you'll speak with a member of my team about where you are in your marriage, what's keeping you stuck and whether my coaching is the right fit for you. You don't have to navigate this alone. Go to clarityformymarriagecom to apply now.