Episode 123: Ask Sharon: Is my marriage salvageable?

Today, on the Loving Truth, I'm giving you a behind-the-scenes look at my signature program, the Decision, which is the only place where I offer direct coaching. You'll hear real questions from members navigating the uncertainty of their relationship, along with my coaching and insights to help them move toward clarity. If you've ever felt stuck, unsure whether to stay or go, these conversations may give you the answers you've been searching for. Let's dive in.

Hello, I've got lots of things going on, so I'm just going to pick one of them. So here's the situation. So my husband and I, during our relationship no talking about discussing things that need to be talked about he hid behind the kids, stonewalled, and I was acting out as in getting attention from other men because, damn it, I needed my attention and he wasn't giving it to me. Very complicated relationship. We've been together 34 years, married 28, separated for almost three.

All right, okay hold on a piece of paper for this. Look at me, tell me you've been together like four years, like no 30 years, oh no, hell, no, okay long time.

So anyway, I had a hard time standing up for myself in our marriage and kind of like I guess caroline said I just went along with it, and it felt like any time I would raise any concern or I want to say something, he would just shoot me down. He's very intelligent, very. He'd be an excellent attorney. Cross-examination. Yeah, I went through all that and I basically lost my sense of self and my kids were his go-to. The opposite of the woman just goes for her kids and the husband can fuck off.

No, it's the opposite for me so so he goes to the kids and confides what well, he just pays his attention and gives him their love, his love, and really nothing.

For me I'm not getting any, any, he's not particularly um. He points his love, that's what you're saying yeah, he points the love of the kids.

And I'm here and I'm basically a disappointment because I needed to get a job and I had not worked for three or four years at the time and he just dictated. He dictated to me and I was just constantly dancing to try to please him and I looked at myself through his eyes how I thought he thought of me, which is so sad. But I can look at it now and I don't beat myself up for it. I'm just like, okay, well, good to know, and I'm compassionate. I've done a lot of work since then. So then he said to me one time he's like, and anytime I was upset about anything and I would try to talk to him. He wouldn't want to talk about it. And then finally, he was just like very roommate-y with me and I remember talking to him saying what's going on? Like why are? I feel like we're roommates, you're not talking to me, we're not having sex, what's going on? Nothing, he wouldn't, he wouldn't discuss it. And this went on for years and years and spontaneously and now the first person that shows some interest.

at that point you're like awesome, let's do that. That's a lot better.

I know Well, and this guy just like said all the things that I would have loved to have heard that my husband just couldn't seem to say to me. He's pretty, I think, anorexic, emotionally anorexic, anyway, avoidant. So this affair happens and we're separated for three months. We're still well, we're separated. I'm still living in the house, I'm in London. He's in Seattle right now with our two kids who are on vacation from uni.

So he asked me one time he said you know, I cannot understand why you are not empathetic to me, why you can't. Because I sent him into way postpartum depression barely could function mode, because you left. No, because I couldn't feel empathy for him. I tried, but I didn't. I didn't feel empathy for for him finding out about the affair I felt.

No, he says you're not empathetic toward me at all. Why is that? You're, you have friends. You're empathetic toward them I assume otherwise you wouldn't have friends but toward me, you for my feelings, how I'm going through this, you're not helping, you're not helpful at all. Because you're not empathetic and I have. That was a good question and I'm like, yeah, why am I not empathetic? Why is that? Because you don't regret it pretty much. Yeah, I didn't regret it because I was. I feel horrible, saying that like no, let's just stop it, it's okay, but it's like I've carried so much anger. I'm just sort of looking through it now and seeing how things went and how I felt and I felt abandoned and I felt all kinds of really unhealthy stuff. I mean, my biggest fears are abandonment and no affection and pushing me away and rejection, and that's what happened in front of my friends.

Lo and behold, that's who you married. Like for the most part, people are not like, oh, they were one person and then a few years later, they've completely morphed into an entirely different person. Like, once in a while that happens, but for the most part it's like yep, I'm married, my childhood wins, because that's what felt comfortable for me and that is accurate. That's what felt like home, right, it's almost like it's a pain I know how to deal with. Like that's how love is, and so we perpetuate it through the generations until we become conscious to it. Now you're conscious to it. So it's not that, oh, and that's what happened. It didn't happen. You created it. Oh, yeah, because this is what you learned about how love is supposed to feel.

Yeah, and I regenerated that in my life. So my adult wife followed my childhood, but now you can go.

Okay, now I can see it. Now, what do I want to do with that, right, right? So let me ask you a question. So, when you you've been three months separated, is that what you said? Three, almost three years, three years, is that what you said? Three, almost three years, three years? I thought that you said that first and then you said months and I was like, ooh, I heard that wrong. Okay, so when you left, was he upset? Was he sad? Was he mad? Was he like what's the where on the emotional scale? Is he? What is he feeling?

Well, it's almost three years later, so now he's calmer, but at the time he was livid and he's the one that approached me. I didn't approach him and say well, I need to tell you something. I just hid. So he was mad at me for not coming forth with it and slowly but surely trickling out the information, because I just knew it was wrong and I didn't. I was always wrong.

No one's like hey, let me tell you all my dirty shit that I don't want to put on the front page of the New York Times, but I'll share it with you freely. Like no one says that.

Right, I couldn't do it, it just trickled out, so he interrogated me. He interrogated me and asked me questions, and I mean as if I was in like a gulag or somewhere with a spotted light in my face getting questions answered, you know. I mean, okay, there's understandable. He was mad.

yes, yeah, I heard so the more interesting question is why, three years later, you, why? Why are you still in it? And then tell me, why you think he still wants it.

I'm still in it because I'm financially dependent on him.

But can't you be all right? So I'm financially dependent. Yep, okay, but if you so. You said London, so that makes me think like London England, london England, not like London Ohio, okay, all right.

So no, I'm not a fellow Ohio.

Okay. So if you were to file for divorce, where would the divorce, where would it benefit you? More in the U? S or more in England? I?

have no idea, okay, you should know.

You should know that, because your excuse for why I'm still here is I'm financially dependent upon him, that I need someone to support me. So if it's not him, it needs to be my parents, it needs to be some other man. It needs to be like that's the, so okay, like there's a. Sometimes there's a look. We have created over the course of 30 years together a life, and that life includes children and a home, maybe a business or a career that he sounds like he was able to soar in that while you took care of the home. But he could not have done that. If you got hit by a bus 20 years ago and he had to raise little babies, it could not have soared the way he did if you were not there to raise the kids and to take care of the family. So you created this together so many times it depends on what state you're in, and I am not a lawyer, but in the US this is a math decision. This is not an emotional decision. But women make it emotional. We're like, oh, I'm dependent upon him because that's his money and because I'm a stay-at-home mom, I don't have money Bullshit. There's almost no state that says that that is true, because he could not have done that without you. You made the decision that you were going to not pay child care. You were going to raise the kids. That was your contribution to the family. His contribution to the family looked like this, but we make it mean now that's his money and you have no money. Look, I have a. So I don't know if you watched the.

There's a video of two of my former clients who became dear friends of mine, and one of them she's a like a I'll just call it a corporate executive. She has paid her husband more than a million dollars in child support and people are always like how do you do that? How could he possibly want that? You know what? If the tables were turned and this is what she always says it would be the same thing. I could soar because he was taking care of my boys and there was nothing more important than my boys. But I could do that and I wanted to do that and I created an amazing career and I traveled the world and I did all the things and, yep, I'm glad to pay him more than a million dollars over the course of eight years while the boys grew up. So it's a joint effort. But he could be like, oh, I'm going to have nothing and she's going to have everything. But that's not true.

Look, in every separation, divorce, there is math and there is drama. Your thoughts are about the drama and that drama is keeping you stuck. Get into the math. Know, if I file here, is it 50-50? If I file here, is it 40-60? What is it? Get into the math because then you can make actual decisions and not lie to yourself or lie to him and say I'm staying in this because I don't want a divorce, because I'm scared, because I won't have enough money. I don't even know you and I know you're a grown ass, amazing woman with gifts, no matter what it is that people would pay for.

You're not going to live with her. Stop. You say that to all the girls Because you know what.

I only attract fabulous women. That's true. You figured out a way to pay the monthly fee on this group, right, so you can figure it out. You will figure it out. We are smart people. We are not going to live under a bridge. We're not going to curl up with a bottle of gin and never recover again. We're going to figure it out. It doesn't mean it's going to be easy or comfortable, but we're going to figure it out. I'll tell mean it's going to be easy or comfortable, but we're going to figure it out.

I'll tell you a secret and I'm embarrassed to tell you this. I'm going to tell you this anyway. It was a time after my divorce I woke up and I would get. I was a Chase Bank customer and they would send me daily alerts on my balance. And I woke up one day and my daily alert was 14 cents sense. I was like, oh shit, just got real, like that's like pay attention, pay attention. You are not at that place, but you're allowing your fear and your stories about. I'm dependent upon him, so I have to keep him on the line. You know what it might be.

The most compassionate thing you could do for that man is to let him free because he won't do it, so that he can find someone who will love him exactly as he is, right, and not just use it because you're afraid Don't do that, don't do that. There's math and there's drama. You'll work out the math. There's assets and liabilities. We will divide it, whatever the percentages are, and then we will move forward with our lives and if we have children together, we will always be in each other's lives and so no one wants the kids to go.

Hey, you're going to dad's. It's under the bridge on 38. It's not happening, right, right, but we, but our minds, will keep us stuck because we're, like, I'm financially dependent. I really want to challenge that, because if you, if you never met him, would you have figured it out how to like, put a roof over your head, how to live independent, like you would have figured it out yeah we'll figure it out so well, I'm, I'm 60, so I'm not going to be applying for corporate jobs and I'm studying to be um a woman's life, and so I'm just sort of starting out and doing all that.

But I can do that, I want to do that, I'm passionate about it, but I also have some fear, trepidation, because I'm just getting certified.

Right, but I'm using him because I'm fearful.

Exactly.

So either I just you got to do what feels good for you I can't feel like, I can't be like it serves me, so I'm going to use you until I can overcome my fear and maybe I can get a business under my belt, or I know that this isn't right and we just need to tell the truth about that and figure out how we're going to divide things so that we can both move forward. You know what I mean. I just I'm not a fan of like using people for my fear, like my fear is my issue, it's not my fear, right. So so do all the things, whatever it is that you want to do. But if, if you're not willing, if you're not ready or willing to try harder, if you're not willing to take a step towards the marriage, and you got to start taking steps away from the marriage and right now you separated and then you stalled.

Well, I'm the only one that would be taking steps toward the marriage.

I feel okay and that's my answer. But interesting, right? Because he's upset about it. So if he's upset, you're not, you don't seem upset. So if he knew what to do, he might try to take those steps. You don't really want to, but you're not, so no one's taking any steps, we're just stalled Right. But I think that's a worthwhile conversation. Like if you were going to take steps, what would it look like If I was going to to take steps? What would it look like if I was going to take steps? What would it look like? Do we feel like that's gonna help us? Is that, is that worth pursuing, or should we just call it a day? Those are the real honest conversations after three years. Like you guys have to have that you know you need that. You both need that to be able to move forward in your lives and not just be stuck. You deserve that and so does he, right, yeah?

You'll just have to figure it out.

You'll figure it out. You're a smart woman. You're going to coach women. You're a smart woman, right, right, yeah, if you can lead other women, you got to lead yourself first. One of the very first, the first, um, very first session I had in coach training with martha back.

Her first principle is you live it to give it. You cannot live inauthentically and help other people. You have to like, live and breathe this stuff right. So if you're living in fear but you're trying to coach other women through I don't know, I'm making it up because I don't know what you want to do but coach other women through navigating their fears, they won't listen to you. Somehow they will know.

And I remember she said when she was talking about meditation this was way later in the course she was like I'll know if you're meditating. I was like, how's she going to know? She's not going to know. Oh, please, I know exactly who's meditating and who's not. I do, because it's a different way of being. So they will know. Your clients will know that you're in fear. If you are, you have to live it. So your work first, then theirs, and then you can build an amazing business and you can. You know what I mean Like it's all. You can have anything you want, but you can't do it and remain comfortable in your fear at the same time, okay.

You're absolutely right, thank you. Thank you so much.

You're so welcome. Thank you for receiving it and the love that it was intended.