Episode 125: Ask Sharon: Have I tried hard enough?

I think I unmuted Hi, how are you? I'm great, how are you? I'm good? Thank you, all right. So I have a million things I could talk about, but I'm just Thank you, all right. So I have a million. I have a million things I could talk about, but I'm just going to ask the question and see where it comes, where it goes.

Yeah, I like posted like 14 things today, so I'm going to, I'm going to pick, pick one of them, and the one that's kind of got me stopped in my tracks was watching, watching your video on what do you, what are your expectations of your husband?

yes, okay, so I did respond to that, but it was like right before this. Okay, so I feel like all right, so keep going. Set up your stories.

everyone knows what you're talking about. I'm not gonna I'm not giving the whole story Forget it, cause that would take way too long. So but the when I watched this, I thought, okay, I get this. I get the difference between what are your expectations, that that are your important boundaries, that that you create to or or have to stay in marriage, yeah, and versus um loving unconditionally or as close to unconditionally as possible look at your picture and I'm like wait, is that you okay?

now I know who you are, okay, yeah that's it.

I don't what's my picture on there?

I don't know it's like you've got the gray scarf and oh yeah, yeah, that was last winter hiking it almost looks like your hair is gray.

That's why I didn't recognize you, okay no, um, not yet so, and I can do, I can, yeah, I can. I can get there to the I I love. I do, I, I love them when it does feel good and it was a long time and it does feel very good. Um, so then brainstorm, just write down all your expectations even if there's a hundred of them, you can whittle them down later of what's important to you in order to stay in the marriage and I and I. I looked at my page, I had a page and I there's nothing, there's, there's nothing. And and what it made me realize was, or what I'm thinking is I, I don't, I don't know if there's anything that can.

Okay so marriage, I don't know, so I want to.

That can be expected in this marriage. I don't know.

So I want to explore that because I was like, oh, that's super interesting, because usually people are like these are all the expectations, like they usually have a lot Right, and I could A few years ago, yeah, several, yeah, several, yeah. So I felt like the if I was to stay in the marriage is the piece that's tripping you up.

So, and here's the reason why I'm questioning that and I'm glad that you brought it up because we can talk through it Because a couple other people said yeah, I get stuck there too. If he changed this, I could stay in the marriage. When you frame it like that, it feels like I'm trapped, I have to stay forever. If he changes this, I have to stay.

So I have a client right now where her husband's super controlling and so she wasn't ready to say we're done. But then when I talked to her about okay, then let's come up with what's the deal breaker. If the deal breaker is I am not willing to be in a controlling marriage, I'm not. Controlling is the behavior. We have to understand what's going on underneath that that's causing the urge or the need to control.

Are you willing, are you has been willing, to address that and solve that issue? Are you interested in it? Number one if he says yes, then almost think of it like a decision tree. If yes, great, let's see if he takes action. If no, that's a shame. But that does give me information, because my deal breaker is I'm not willing to be in a controlling relationship. So if you're not willing to solve the underlying issue, I'm not willing to do that.

So that is clarity. So in a way, it's good news. So, yes or no? Then if he says yes, I'm willing to do it, then is he actually doing it? Is he taking the steps that he needs to take to solve that underlying issue that causes his need to control other people?

If yes, then it becomes well, how long do I have to wait to see change? And if no, then no, he's saying one thing and doing another, and that also leads to clarity. So I feel like the, the, when you, when you put it in the context of if you change this thing, then I have to stay, it makes you feel like there's a pillow over your face, or that you're trapped or that you're controlled. And anytime someone feels trapped, controlled or a pillow over their face, they're going to run or they're going to fight you off Right, so I don't want to answer that question because there's nothing he could do that would make me want to stay forever. And that's the part that I felt like if we tweak that, I wonder what would open up for you. Does that resonate?

Honestly, I understand all. I understand that Mm-hmm and no, okay, and I'll clarify why. Because he has made changes he has. He is one of the the rare, the more rare cases, I think where he has made huge, huge realizations in about himself, about how he came to, how he was treating me, how he was treating our kids, that where he learned that behavior, how, what he wants to do differently, how he wants to change that, how he wants to show up in his own life. So he's made those, he's made enormous changes and he's very, very open to, to learning, to listening okay, not perfectly, but none of us are, but it's but. But the change in him is enormous.

Is there anything there that he has done or that he could do that would soften your heart? That might soften your heart? There's no like guarantees.

Yes, he has and it's softened, um, and this is what I need from you Like so, so it's, it has softened and there's there's been occasions on this more recent journey where I've, you know, thought well, you know, maybe, and okay, today and tomorrow you, you know, I'm showing up for this, yeah, um, so it's not on that, it's not on his end anymore. It's not on his end because he's, he is showing up like that.

It's more on my end, in that I, yeah, I guess I'll just say what comes to my, my, my mind is that it doesn't really matter, or I it doesn't. It's still not affecting me and I don't know if that maybe, I guess that is, maybe my heart is hardened, but I don't feel anger anymore and I see him caring and trying. I mean not so much like when he doesn't see me showing up for that, he's kind of guarding himself and, like you know, saying like well, I'd love to show you more affection, but I'm not going to because you don't want that from me right now. And he's right, yeah yeah, do.

Can you receive love in other ways besides affection from him? That's a really good question, because everyone jumps to affection, which is like the Taj Mahal, the, the, the, the peak of the mountain, like everyone reaches for that first.

I'm like that's the freaking hardest thing to do. Yeah, no, I don't. Can we soften next to each other by the fireplace, like, can we share our hearts? Can we have open, honest conversation, even when it hurts? Can we act like? That's the part where I'm like if we can't do that, we can't have, we can't have the mountaintop sex yeah, and I'm not looking for that.

Nor is he believe me, believe me, right?

so I'm like, first things first, like is there any? Is there anything that he was doing or is doing or could do that would that might help you soften? And then, if yes, lovely, communicate it.

If not, is there anything you feel like you could do to help you soften? Do you want to soften or are you looking for a good reason to justify leaving and he's not giving you one?

He gave me lots and lots and lots Before you changed.

Now he went and changed Right, Good guy Right. He's consistently a jerk. I'd have lots of reasons.

Right, right, right. And yeah, I mean, if I'm really really honest, that's. I mean that hits the nail on the head and all this work has been to try and I'll meld in another kind of big thread to that is that you know, he, when, I don't know, it was like a year ago we were having, there was strife and we were both frustrated and he called the kids into our bedroom and said mom, mom's done, mom doesn't think that that marriage is forever. She changed her mind or she didn't really mean it when she said I do and things that were hurtful and damaging for kids to have to hear, I think. And, um, you know, he said I want to try and for me, forever forever looks like.

I'm gonna yes, and, and mom doesn't. And and he said, and mom doesn't want to try. And my kids latched on to that, in that not all of them different, different and different ways, because they're different personalities and at different stages.

But you know what my feedback from from my kiddos were mom, please try. You know, and and I think for a year, and and seeking you and doing this work too, I'm really, I feel like I'm trying, but I don't have a way to tell them like, this is what I've tried. This is because I I'm stuck there. I guess I'm I hate to use that word stuck in your program.

Because, because you're operating now because of what he did, which is the most emotionally immature and destructive thing you can do as a parent. My opinion mine too I would have a really hard time going oh yeah, let's work it out. I want to snuggle up next to you at some point, like I would have a really I'm sitting here going oh no, we're done. Because as soon as you do that, like how do you? How do you just be like oh, we were just kidding that night kids, right?

I, I don't know how to. Yeah, that's only.

I mean, that's like, that's such a, it's an ounce of it, I know yes, so um, but now you're operating from the barometer of do my, do my kids think I've tried enough before I leave.

Now most people are looking for, like their mother to understand, or their next door neighbor to understand. You're looking for your kids to understand, and your kids have no way of understanding. They've never been in a marriage, right? They?

have no idea, and so so you can't you. That's not if you're aiming for that bar. It's not attainable, because they can't understand your perspective. They never lived your life, they've never walked in your shoes, they don't even know what marriage is, except from what they've seen of mom and dad I guess it made me.

I. I really really appreciate that and hear you and I agree with that.

This is why, like doing the live coaching and people raising their hand and stepping forward and do it like it's so much, because I never would have got that from Facebook, I never would have been able to answer that question because I didn't have that context.

Right and, like you said, that's announced. I've been severely belittled, gaslighted, things said in front of the kids, to the kids, that are just so damaging. Not that I'm an angel, I'm learned just because I'm human, but that it tells me what else he's willing to do.

Yeah, right, and as long as he's made out to be the victim, he's the good guy in the story and you're the bad guy as it relates to the kids. So you need to shore up, you need to spend all your energy in your relationship with your kids, yeah, so that they know look, we're both trying in our own way. There's no guarantees and that, if I can teach you anything in your life, there's no guarantees. There's nothing on this planet that is permanent, like there's not a blade of grass out there, there's not a leaf on a tree, there's not a gray hair in my head or my boobs.

Nothing is staying the same, right, like everything is changing constantly. Yeah, sometimes we change and we grow together, and sometimes we grow apart and nothing's gone wrong. This is the nature of life, and while it can feel scary when there's change, I promise you you will come through it, and so will I, and so will your dad, no matter what. Right, like that's the, you're going to teach kids something. It's how to navigate change, because everything changes all the time, but we get so tied to it should remain the same, and I'm like y'all were born to the wrong planet. That's not how it works here on planet Earth.

Yeah, right, and so you can't control what he does or what he shares. I've seen a lot of destructive things, but you can encourage him to like look, lots of people carry lots of mommy and daddy issues through their entire life. How you and I navigate this matters Right, and I get that you want to be the good guy and I be the villain. I'd be the bad guy Cause I'm the one choosing it, but you know what? It took a lot to make me choose this A lot. So you can tell whatever story you need to tell. So you can get up and look in the mirror every day and I'm going to need to tell my version of that story.

Yeah, but I'm yeah, so all right, where did that leave us? I know we got on a tangent now, because once you brought in the kids and him saying that, I was like, oh, we're done here yeah, that's, that's my achilles, heel right there but you can't operate with.

Will my kids see that I'm trying enough? One day they will understand, when they're old enough to understand. But you're also their mom. They came from you. They're not going to be like, oh, I don't need my mom anymore. Dad's holding it all down and dad's all I need. That's not happening.

So, even though they may not understand, there's a certain amount of trust that moms have with their babies. Yeah, no, they know your heart. They came from you. Yeah, so yeah, you can say I get that. You feel like, even if they said you didn't try, because dad said you didn't try well, what it brought up is my reflection to myself like did I have?

I have I really have I tried everything? And that's where I am right now is am I trying everything? And when I went to go write that list down, I was like, why do I have nothing?

okay, so let's do this, because that was, you know, that was one of the places where we started. I guess it's going to be our last question, because that was one of the places where we started, which was how long do I have to try before I just can give up? You know stuff like isn't it just easier to go out and find someone new? So much easier?

I don't even, I just want

I don't know there's a lot of single people that would disagree with her and be like, but the idea of all of a sudden the mood just got really dark, like the sun's going down. Sorry about that. So wait the first, the first question. Remind me. Sorry, I got distracted with the other all the other things happening um about the expectations that are like deal makers or breakers, essentially yeah

and how do I know when I've tried enough and when do I have I tried everything, yeah?

yeah, there's no magic formula for this, because it's so specific to each individual person what I can tell you in general. A lot of women come into the group and they watch a lot of videos and they learn a lot and they're like oh, now I know the things and I will bring that into my future relationship, but they haven't ever practiced it or put it into application, particularly when it was hard to do because we stay in our comfort zone.

And then there's people who really try and really apply it, whatever it is, and maybe they're only applying three things, but they're like I'm going to do these three things, like a ninja, like I'm just going to get good at it for me not to make something happen. I'm just going to do it for me.

Only you know like sometimes I can tell from your questions, like whether they're like saying they're trying or they're really trying, but only you really know. So have you genuinely tried and applied? Make it up three, five tools consistently to see can something shift within me or between us? Is he trying? Is he making an effort? Am I making an active effort.

But if not, not, if neither of us are doing anything and I'm watching videos don't lie to yourself. Nothing's going to change, right, except you'll cement your decision to leave and just go find someone else where it's so much easier. But then you end up in a similar place of where it's like oh, there's some things I have to look away from on his buffet too, damn Right. So that's that you take yourself with you.

So maybe just follow what I told the other lady earlier, which was you know what? Imagine yourself a year from now. Can you look yourself in the mirror and go? You know what I really did try. I did what I knew how to do and I feel good about that. Did I try every single thing on the planet? Like, who does you got to know? Like, did I give it my best? And if I did and I'm still just not there, then I think you can make peace with that.

But if you're saying I'm giving it my best, but if you're not actually doing anything, eventually that's going to be like. You're going to feel like you're hiding when you're looking in the mirror You're going to be like. You're going to tell all your friends like, oh, I gave it my best. Like you have the facade, you've got the storyline down, but you know deep in here that you didn't. And that's where that's between you and you.

Yeah, yep, okay, thank you, you're welcome.