Episode 127: Ask Sharon: What if we’re too different?

So there was a lot of, um, there was just anger and there was a lot of frustration and defensiveness with your husband.

And so, um, about two and a half months ago you said, I'm gonna try to work on the marriage. And your husband was in a very open position and also wanted to work on it as well. And you said, okay, we can work on it, but here's what that needs to look like. That was good by. It was really good. We're gonna do this.

We're gonna do a marriage workshop and we're gonna do couples therapy. And so they did the workshop, they went to couples therapy and in therapy there was, um, where she started sharing things. What he heard caused him to shut down and get angry for a few days, and he didn't wanna talk about it. This is what you wrote, that I wrote down in my notes.

He didn't realize. That you felt so bad for so long and he felt ashamed and frustrated that it took you so long to tell him you didn't tell him because you felt like you didn't get your feelings validated when you tried before, and instead felt criticized. And so there's a criticism, I'm gonna say like criticism from you.

He feels I'm treated badly. And then we end up back in the same sort of. Circular arguments. Yes. You feel unheard probably. All right, so let me, let me finish off with this thing. So this is what you sent yesterday or today? It says, I was able to move off the anger and I started to use the tools to stop the suffering.

Yes. We should call this program Stop the Suffering. Yes. But in the bottom, I keep despising his efforts. Even though I was trying to remind myself of all the changes he's trying to do, I wasn't suffering anymore. So my mind started to say, well, now you have reason to get a part. I don't know if you meant no reason or reason to get apart.

No reason, sorry. No reason. So now he's trying, and so therefore, I don't have any reason to leave. I don't have any good justifiable reason to leave. So now what am I gonna do? So then to create a reason. She didn't say that. I said that. Um, we have a fight on Sunday. Um, and because I couldn't stay in my business regarding how he addressed my son, he can be very harsh, even though he is making big efforts to change that pattern.

So she got in his business and told him he should be parenting like her. Yeah. We know how that went. So we came back on the wrong way of talking about it and he came to repair things. He came to apologize. I started to accuse him of acting the same way as before, so he let me know. He felt nothing. It's enough for me.

I think he's like, it's enough for him. You treat him bad frequently with noticing, because I'm criticizing everything he does, and now we're back in the same spot again. To stop this same dynamic from repeating is very difficult, and then possibly separation can solve it. So. Fill in the blanks there. Yeah, that's, that's a good resume.

When I meant, uh, what I meant when saying that separation could be a, a way of resolving this, because as you were saying in the last q and a separation or, or when you were explaining your concept of separation is given a. To the relationship because not being together will break all the normal routines and normal way of doing things.

And I, I am in the feeling that something like that need to happen because we have been acting this way for many years and even though I don't suffer, uh, it doesn't work for me. So, tell me if I'm wrong here. My hunch is the reason you're not suffering is because you're starting to become indifferent. Um, no, not indifferent.

I try to accept that is his way, but it doesn't work for me. So I So gimme a specific, here, give me a, he's doing something his way and that doesn't work for me. Give me an example. Well, I have three bigs. First is, uh, his way of addressing lifestyle. I'm a very healthy person and I want to teach that to my kids, but he is completely opposite.

So he bring a lot of discussions and, um. I, I try to respect him and I, I have accept that is his body and he does whatever he want with his body. Yes. But make me angry that I can't address my kids because they have two models at home. So they get to see that they have choices in life. Yeah, well, but for me doesn't work that way.

It sounds very good when you say that they see it already, like you go to. And you see like, oh yeah, of course. But I prefer them to learn that outside home and just because like for example, my son has HDXD and concentration difficulties or whatever, and I know that he, if he will change some things in their eating that will impact.

Those symptoms, reduce them. Oh, my daughter has already, for example, eczema. Eczema, and it's hitchy. And I know that that can be addressed with food too. Mm-hmm. But it's impossible to practice that at home. Okay. For example, all right, let's use that as an example. That's a good one because you're on polar opposites and you for sure think your way is the right way, and he is for sure wrong.

Yes.

And so here's a, I'm gonna offer this and it's gonna, you're not gonna like wanna, you're not gonna wanna eat it right away, but what I would offer is that your. What you have is a perspective about lifestyle. This is what it should look like and it's healthy and it's good for you and it will make you feel better.

And it, and it won't cause dis-ease in the body. And he is like, yeah, and I love food and I enjoy, I don't know, I'm making stuff up here. Whatever it is I'm thinking like, 'cause my, my in-laws have like. I wanna eat all the things I love. Like my mother-in-law, she brings to my house. My husband, I won't go off on a tangent.

She brings flaming Cheetos into our home. Like alarm bells should be going off, like reaching any a thing like that in our home. But she brings her own snacks 'cause she knows that. Right? And it drives my husband crazy. He suffers. She's not suffering. I'm not suffering. He suffers because he's thinking it should be different.

I. So it's, it's a perspective that you have. I totally get that. But he have been in emergency removing gallbladder. Yeah. Is overweight pain all day? Are you talking about him? Yes. Okay. And so I don't want to see my son and my daughter suffer and I suffer too. And. It just, I feel it's not aligned with what I believe and like I need to let go.

Something that is too important for me because yeah, I was dealing with disease very young age and I was able to reverse all of that because of my efforts. Yeah. In aligning my life. With health. So it just doesn't work anymore for me. So, Natalia, have you ever, so I'm gonna skip past him right just for a second, because if he's treating his body poorly, there's a reason for that.

And sometimes the reason for that is numbing the, the sharp emotions in our lives. If we don't wanna fear or that my wife doesn't love me or that I'm overweight, or we don't wanna feel bad about ourselves, you don't have to reach too far to find something to numb with. That can be Oreos, that can be alcohol, that can be porn, that can be overworking, that can just run yourself into your kids.

Those are just socially acceptable ways to numb, but there's, there's a million ways to numb. So let's put him aside. There's something going on with him, but we probably won't solve that today. Have you gone to him and instead of trying to. Let me say it this way. Do you think he feels like you're trying to control him?

Oh, yeah. Okay. So the, this is the, that I, that I can see the, the effort he makes and all the. The changes he have made. Like for example, instead of buying the worst cereal, he have changed to a cereal that doesn't have sugar, but instead have whatever monk fruit, you know those. And that's an improvement and that I need to.

Be able to see those little improvements or things like that. Yeah. Okay, cool. So, so actually that says he, he is sort of willing to hear you and work with you, but no one wants a pillow over their face. No one, not your kids. Certainly not your husband. If I put a pillow over your face, what are you gonna do?

Try to. And fight. Yes. Yep. So when he feels like you're trying to control him, he's going to fight. He's gonna fight you with it. Right. And he is gonna dig in and do the exact opposite of what you actually want him to do. Mm-hmm. So I'm gonna propose that we give that up since that's not gonna work. And instead, I wonder, has he ever seen this softer side of where like, I'm scared.

I'm scared that you're gonna die. I'm scared that our kids are going to pick up diseases that they're gonna have to go through what I went through. I'm scared because I feel like we're not supporting each other in just making sure our kids are healthy. Like has he ever seen that part of you? I think so.

Uh.

In a softly way of, I have scribed and tell him what I feel. But I don't know if I, I was like from describing my scariness, um, instead of criticizing, I don't know if I explain myself. So I was like, punting out. I have been already in the hospital with you in emergency. I haven't, but no. Talking about my own feelings.

Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Because underneath, so I just heard this on, um, uh, from Esther Perel. She did a thing with, um, Glennon Doyle, uh, a podcast. And she said, underneath ev all anger is hurt. But we talk, we, we rage about the anger, but we never get at the hurt. And that's what we gotta start talking about. In your case, it's fear, it's.

I don't want my kids to get sick. I don't want my kids to go through what I went through. This is the, well, that one I have, we have spoken about it and he said things like, they're not you. I'm not you. We don't have to pass through that. So, and that's true, like they're not you, but yeah, you can just express the hurt, the fear, and he will be more open to receiving.

But what you will have to also do is give up this. This is the only way to be, and you gotta like hold it a little more lightly. Like, you know what, this is what I'm choosing for my life. This is what feels good for me. I'm going to show my kids this perspective because I think that they would really enjoy it.

I think that that's something that they would enjoy. They're going to see another perspective. 'cause by the way, you can get rid of him, but he is not gonna, like, when, when the kids go to his house, when you're divorced, they're gonna eat whatever he has or whatever he's eating. So you're not gonna, you think it's hard to control your husband now?

Wait till you're an ex. No. Yeah. I

myself. No. It'll still be crazy, I promise. It just won't be in your face. You won't see it. But they'll come home and they'll be like, mom, I can eat this at Dad's. How come I can't have it at yours? You know, so that's why I'm like, we've gotta, you've gotta find your way through this. And it's, it's, I think it comes down to being able to communicate about what's underneath it and not just going for the criticisms and the anger and the righteousness that damnit I'm right and you're wrong.

And until you see that, I'm not going to acknowledge any of your effort. That's what's getting in the way of you two being able to solve this problem together. And what do you think about when people doesn't have like the same nature, like, you know, the way of the brain is weird wire, sorry, or mm-hmm. How our system works.

Mm-hmm. It doesn't, it's aligned with the other person. That's, that's possible. That no, not, I mean, if you want, if, if you want to be in relationship with a woman, your physiology will be much closer to you. But if you want to be in relationship with a man, that will never happen. Have you seen any of my teachings on the differences between men and women?

Yes, all of them. Yeah. Like it's not, you can be mad at like the way the male brain works, but that's not gonna change anything. The male brain works the way it does. The female brain works the way it does. No, no. What I mean is we have, as a person, two things. One, we can change always because it's. Habits or, but there is something that come with us.

It's like a, our box. I don't know how call it or that it has been wired when will grew up, when will everything, and it's part of us. Uh, uh, sold. I don't know. And when those things that can be changed in each person are not aligned, that won't make things more hotter, that if they are closed or similar.

Okay, so give me an, gimme an example of make it real, because I can give you other examples, but then as soon as I do, you're gonna be like, no, no, no, this is different. So just gimme an example of what you're talking about. Well, I, so sometime I feel that I, I'm here, make him, uh, hurt. No hurt hearing the pain, because.

I want to change him. Things that are very defined for him, like and he want me to change things that are, define me also, right? So how we need to say, we need to say, like to let go things that define us. So that doesn't make, that is very difficult to be together or it is possible to change that too. I don't, no.

Alright, so I'm gonna, I'm gonna go option C.

So can someone change? Yes. They want to. No one will change because you want them to. Yeah, I know. Just like you will not change who you are because he wants you to. That's just not how it works. And so then we just end up just suffering, fighting each other, trying to get the other like. Be an orange. I know you're an apple, but just be an orange.

It's a fruit. Just become an orange. Nope, he's an apple and you're a pineapple. Like whatever. Making stuff up, right? Um, but this idea that I need you to mirror me to be like me, because then it's easier to love you. There's a person in my life who was very easy to love. Your niece very easy to love.

There's one thing that we don't hold, and she's gonna be listening to this. There's one thing that we don't talk, we don't talk politics like we don't. And I would love for her to be like me. 'cause for sure I am right.

I'm joking. Of course. It's lovely when people are easy to love. I wish everyone was easy to love and it's easier to love someone who thinks just like us. It's much harder to love someone who doesn't think like us, and yet that is what love is. It's not love when it's easy. Love when it's convenient. Love when you think like me, it's love me as me.

That's who I really am. That's what, like that's the goal. That's unconditional love. That's a, a mountaintop that we may never quite reach, but that is the goal. Mm-hmm. Of if you love me, you have to love all of me. The total sum of me, not the pieces that agree with you, and then hate the pieces that you don't agree with.

'cause it's a package deal and you're a package deal for him. Love isn't change and love isn't become who I need you to be. Love is like, let me see you and let me experience you, and then let me look away from the things that I can't quite look at and feel great about. Yeah, and how do you know when you have tried enough and it, it already doesn't work, so it's such a personal decision.

I mean, I can tell you my experience. I love that. Love is an exercise and selective perception. It's fantastic. Yeah. How do you know? So when, here's, here's the, the quickest path to doing that, to understanding that it's getting out of your head and into your heart. Most people can't get out of their head.

And it's like, uh, someone had asked in the, in the group a question like, how do you know the difference? Like when it's my gut versus my head? Mm-hmm. The problem is, if you can't get outta your head, you can't hear your gut. That's why like almost every spiritual teacher on the planet says, sit your butt down and meditate.

Get quiet. Because when you quiet the mind, you can feel truth. Truth feels different in the body. Okay. Truth, when we're all up here going, yeah. But our nature is so different and he's never gonna change, and I'm never gonna ch like that's all intellectualizing it. It's all trying to figure it out up here.

And you can spin in that for years. So the quickest path is to be able to create a practice where you get pretty quiet, pretty consistently, and you start checking in with what does truth really feel like? Then over time you can reach for, am I done with this? Am I done with this or am I still in it? Not inte intellectual, not the pros and cons list.

Not asking all your friends and taking a poll and seeing what they think. Like Yeah, I know that inner wisdom. And all I can tell you is that when I, um. You might have heard me say this before, I say lot of things the whole time, but, um, when I was going through it was I was recently separated and my husband was living in our home and I had moved out to an apartment and periodically I would come back to the home like say, you know, on a Sunday or something just to like talk and touch base with him and I'd be crying and whatever, right.

I wasn't a coach then. I didn't have any tools. And all I, I remember thinking, I remember like I can literally picture myself walking through that front door and I thought the easiest thing in the world would be just to go back into the marriage. Just go back into it. Like it'd be so easy. And there was some little tiny voice inside me that just said, not this.

I didn't know what that was like. Now I know what that is. The time. I didn't know what that was and I just blindly followed it. I didn't have what was next. I didn't have number three lined up. I didn't know, like I'm living in a fricking probably 500 square foot little place. So like it was ridiculous. I did not know, but somehow I knew to follow that little voice that you can't hear that voice when you're all in your head.

So that's the quickest path to get to your answer, but it's such a personalized thing and it's probably a question I get asked, like one of the top three questions, how do you know when you up? And I think it's like, when can I look at myself in the mirror and go, yeah, I genuinely gave it my very best.

Because you are the one that's gotta look yourself in the mirror for the rest of your life. And if you can do that and go, you know what, that was the right decision and I, or I gave it my very best, then you can move forward even when it's hard. But all, you know, whether it's communication or the way he eats or lives, like all those things don't get easier just 'cause we get rid of them.

Right. And sure, it's easy to love people that look like us and think like us. Isn't that like, isn't that the richness of life too? Is that like we all get to choose what you choose for your life is probably very different than what I choose for my life. And your only task, albeit a big one, is to try to love him.

You did at one point choose him and say, let's make babies. Yeah. So he is gonna be their dad forever and you're gonna be their mom forever. So we gotta find our way through this. One way or the other. And if we do, if we use the tools now and we get good at them now, even if the marriage doesn't last, those, that investment and time will help your relationship and help your kids not have to navigate Mom and dad not being able to be emotional adults, which is what most people do.

Don't do that. Oh, no, no, no. Well, I'm terrified about his reaction. He. But that's another story. Yeah. I'm telling you like those, those Buddhists, I think they got it figured out because they're like the, their thing is like non-attachment, like when you have attachment to how someone else should be, you are suffering.

When you have attachment to how the outcome should be and how people should eat and how they should vote and how they should raise their kids. All of that just causes suffering. Everyone gets to choose for themselves. And they get to live with the consequences. It doesn't mean you don't get to have feelings about it, especially when you're in relationship with them, but they do get to choose.

And anytime you try to take away their choice, it doesn't matter if they're 14-year-old or 40-year-old, they're going to react. Just leave it to a teenager to show you try to control someone. Like they're pretty easy to control when they're like six or seven, kind of sorta, but only.

But if I had that magic pill, we for sure would use it instead. We've just gotta work through it, you know? Yeah, you're right. It's, it's, it's here to teach us something. Yep. It's here to help us grow and there's nothing like our closest relationships that will trigger all of our stuff. Yeah. That will make us go, oh, there's another thing for me to pay attention to.

There's another thing for me to pay attention to. Like it brings all of Yeah, you're right. You are right. You're doing great. You're doing great. Hang in there. Thank you. Keep asking the hard questions and try to where you, where you can show up and soften a bit. Let him see your underbelly and not just your.

Okay. Yeah, I will do that. Thank you, Sharon. I really appreciate you and all your work. Oh, thank you so much.