Episode 128: What’s Your Intention?

 Hello, loves. This is Sharon Pope and this is the Loving Truth. Today I wanna ask you, what is your intention?

This is going to make such a difference in terms of how you approach the upsets inside of your marriage, and it's something that I learned from a book. It's entitled How to Have That Conversation. It's by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. This, you know, I, I love talking about having difficult conversations because I think that when we can get comfortable with having the difficult conversations, there's almost nothing that we can't tackle from a relational perspective.

So this one I just genuinely appreciated and wanted to be able to share it with you. So here's the idea is that you take a moment before you move into a difficult conversation with your partner. You take a moment to get really clear about what is my purpose for having this difficult conversation? Or better said, what is my intention?

Now we can start with something really, really basic. Like, why am I doing this? Well, I'm doing this either to help myself. Because there's something that's happening inside of our marriage that's causing a problem for me personally. So I'm doing this to help myself, to stand up for myself, to honor myself.

Nothing wrong with that. Another reason why we might approach a difficult conversation is because it's causing a problem for our marriage, for our relationship. So for instance, it might be leading us to a place of real disconnection, or it might be leading us to a place of where I don't feel emotionally safe with you of where I'm turning away from you.

It's causing a problem for our marriage. That's the other, that's another reason why we. Might have a difficult conversation. The third one is we need to be able to help our partner. Like maybe there's something going on with our partner that they think is only, they think it's just impacting them, but it is really impacting them in a big way.

Like if they're becoming an alcoholic, like, okay, we need to have some conversations about that because we're, and we're doing it for the purpose to help them. And then the fourth reason why we would have these difficult conversations is to help someone else. Is to help some third party. So that might be our kids, like maybe your partner's anger has gotten really outta control or their depression has gotten really out of control and it's impacting the kids or the extended family, or maybe even a friendship, but there's some third party.

Okay, so the very, at a very basic level, why are we having this conversation either to help myself. Or to help the relationship or to help my partner, or to help some third party likely the kids. Okay. Now let's take that deeper. What is my intention behind having I. This conversation, there are productive reasons to have difficult conversations, and then there are unproductive reasons to have difficult conversations.

So let's talk about the unproductive ones first, right? All the re the bad reasons for having difficult conversations. So the first one might be, and this is the way most of us approach conversations by the way, is we wanna be right. We genuinely think we're right, and we need our partner to see that in fact, we are right.

Here's the problem. If you need to be right, that means your partner needs to be wrong, and now it's me against you. Now you're an adversary as opposed to the problem being the adversary. So when we don't get clear upfront, a lot of times we're approaching these difficult conversations trying to be right, and it's not gonna lead us anywhere productive.

If it did, I promise you, I'd tell you to do it. But why does every relationship expert tell you don't try to be right? Because it doesn't help a hundred percent of the time. It doesn't help. Okay. Another reason that isn't productive to come into difficult conversations is to punish our partner or for some form of a revenge like they hurt me, so I'm gonna hurt them back.

Another thing that we might, another reason that we might go into these difficult conversations is to make them feel guilty or make them feel bad about themselves. Like when I lay out my case of all the ways in which he has wronged me, surely he's gonna see what a horrible, miserable human being he is and he will change his ways.

No, this, uh, like even if it actually worked. And it will only work on probably some of the most insecure people. Um, you're just beating someone down, you're not inspiring them or lifting them up to change and beating someone down is not a productive place from which to create change. If change is hard to do and we need to feel like we can do it, but if I'm beaten down, I don't feel like I can do it.

I don't believe in myself. I don't have confidence in myself, and so any change that I make isn't gonna last. So trying to make them feel guilty or feel bad about themselves isn't a winning strategy either. Now, if you're going into the difficult conversation to try to control them to control their choices and their behavior.

No one likes to be controlled. No one's here for it. It's going to feel like a pillow over the face. And if I came to you today and I put a pillow over your face, what are you gonna do? You're either going to submit and die, I guess, or you're going to fight me off of you so that you don't suffocate.

That's probably what's going to happen if you're coming in trying to control the situation. It's gonna feel like a pillow over the face, and all you're gonna get is a bunch of pushback that's not gonna be productive. Now, sometimes we go into these conversations because we want to feel more powerful.

Now, let me explain. Sometimes when you've gone a long period of time in your life where you haven't felt very powerful, you wanna take some of that power back. It's, it's important for human beings to feel empowered in their lives. But if you have this idea that the only way I can feel powerful is if I take away someone else's power.

Well now I'm approaching this conversation with the only way I can be powerful is if I take away your power. And then all that happens is that neither of us are powerful. We both lose if, if we're either both going to be powerful together as a couple, or we're both going to be unpowerful together as a couple.

So that's not a winning strategy and it's not gonna feel good. Also, if we are using the other person as a place to dump our pain or our guilt onto them, like, I'm unhappy here, you should do something about that. They don't know what to do. They don't know, hardly know how to make themselves happy. How are they gonna know how to make you happy?

Or if we try to dump our guilt onto them. I see this sometimes where the guilt from say an affair becomes so overwhelming that I just have to tell my partner. And what I'm doing is I'm taking my pain, which is in the form of guilt, and I'm now dropping that in the lap of my partner. Yeah, that's not gonna feel good.

Right. You might have offloaded some of your guilt, but you dropped a shit ton of pain into someone else's lap. It's not gonna be productive. And then maybe the last. Not so good reason to go into these difficult conversations or the last not so good intention is to use the other person as a target for your unhealed wounds, right?

If you have abandonment issues and you're sort of. Going into these challenging conversations going, you always leave me. You're never there for me. You don't understand, but like it's all your unhealed stuff that you're now pointing at your partner that probably came from your childhood decades ago.

It's like that quote, when you don't heal, what hurt you, you'll bleed on people that didn't cut you. Right. So we bring our traumas and challenges and beliefs into, from our childhood into our marriages because we never healed them. And so they just continue to keep showing up, usually in the form of triggers.

And then we blame our partner for not being able to heal all the things that we should heal ourselves. So if we go into challenging conversations with those intentions, and usually these are unconscious, right? Like nobody is sitting around going, okay, I'm gonna have this conversation with my husband and I'm gonna let him know because I am right and he is wrong.

Like we're not. Usually saying those words, we're just not setting an intention. So we go in with all of our feelings and all of our triggers and all of our unhealed stuff, and then we try to navigate the difficult conversations, and then we wonder why we're not having the success that we want to have.

And then when we do that enough times, we start to give up because we're not being successful when we should look at how are we actually having those conversations. Right. So let's talk about some good reasons, some productive reasons or intentions for going into these difficult conversations. So, a very valid reason to have these difficult conversations is to stop something that's happening that is hurting you.

It's a way to honor yourself if something that your partner is doing is causing you pain. So you want to help yourself in that regard, and it might require you setting a boundary sometimes, depending upon what's going on and how many times and how long it's been going on. A boundary might be very appropriate, and there's nothing wrong with you.

Setting healthy and loving boundaries for yourself doesn't make it comfortable, but it also doesn't make it wrong. That is a perfectly valid reason, a perfectly valid intention to have a difficult conversation with your spouse. Another reason might just be to bring light to an issue, like maybe they don't know that their choices are causing a problem in their relationship or that they're causing a problem for you, or that that's part of what's creating the disconnection or the lack of you feeling safe.

Inside the relationship, like whatever it is an intention can be. I wanna bring light to an issue that's creating disconnection for us because maybe we're not quite aware of it, or maybe my partner isn't aware of it. Another reason to have challenging conversations is just to restore something that has been lost.

That can be closeness, that can be intensity, that can be trust, that can be intimacy. Whatever it is, there's something that was there and now it's not there, and you're trying to restore that feeling inside your relationship. You might be using it to interrupt destructive behavior patterns that they're doing that's causing them challenges or it's causing, say, the kids challenges, right?

And so that's a way to bring that up. It's a good reason to have a, a difficult conversation. Another reason is to voice your needs, your desires for the marriage, or even your expectations inside the marriage. Those are all productive types of conversations. And then of course, we have a problem that we as a couple need to solve for.

We need to overcome this. And so we need to be able to come together and have a conversation even though it might feel difficult. So those are the really productive reasons or the productive intentions that you can set going into a conversation. And when you know what your intention is going in, how you start that conversation is going to be different.

How you navigate in the midst of that conversation is going to change and certainly the outcome on the other side. Of that difficult conversation is going to change all because of the intention that you set at the beginning. So for instance, here's how this can sound. Instead of just going in and saying like, Hey, I need to talk to you.

I was really upset about how you handled X, Y, Z, right? Instead of doing that, you go in with, before we get to the topic that I want to talk to you about. I want you to know that I care about us and I care about our marriage, and my intention here is to solve this problem so that you and I can be more connected as a couple.

And then you go into whatever the challenge is that you need to bring up and that you need to be able to talk about. But when you start the conversation that way and you hold that intention that, okay, I'm here to solve this problem. My partner's not the enemy. We have a problem in front of us. We might not see eye to eye on, and so we need to overcome this challenge and I care about you and I care about this marriage.

Now how you move through that is going to completely change. Now I have one more thing to share with you and that is that another thing you can do, this is probably the third step. So the first step is like, why am I having this difficult conversation? Is it to help me? I. To help the relationship, to help him, or to help a third party like the kids.

Taking it a little deeper, what is my intention as I move through this? Is it to problem solve or is it to be right? Is it to restore trust and connection between us, or is it to dump all my pain into their lap so that they will do something with it that's productive, right? Those are going to create. Two entirely different outcomes.

Another thing you can do, the third thing is get really clear about how you wanna feel on the other side of this conversation in advance. So let's say it goes as beautifully as you could possibly imagine, like just assume the best of outcomes. On the other side of that, you'll feel three descriptive feeling words.

Now, does it guarantee that on the other side of this challenging conversation that you're going to feel that way? No. Of course, there's no guarantees on anything. But are you much more likely to feel that way when you go in holding that intention? Yes, very much so. It was a difficult conversation I had to have years ago, and I knew it going in.

I remember I was driving over to my parents' house and it was myself and my brother sitting down with my parents to talk about something that was health and financial related, and we all had sort of strong opinions on the topic, so I knew that it was going to be a challenging conversation. Plus we just all see the world in very, very different ways, so I.

Practiced what I preached. And I remember I was sitting in my car, in their parking lot of their condo building and I sat there and I said, how do I wanna feel on the other side of this? And I said, I wanna feel like I really listened. Like I really heard what they wanted to share. And I remember thinking I wanted to feel proud of myself in terms of how I showed up and how I carried myself.

And the third was that I wanted to feel compassion. And kindness, um, for what my parents were experiencing. And so I set that intention. I walked inside. We had the conversation. About 90 minutes later, I got back out. I, I left their condo and I went to my car and I remember starting my car and going, yep, I did that.

I did all three of those things and I drove home. It's as simple as that. So going in with an intention about why am I here, what is my purpose and how do I wanna feel on the other side of it? This is going to help you tremendously because it's going to help you set the tone for the conversation. It's gonna help keep you focused.

It's gonna keep things from going sideways. Like you're not gonna get distracted when your partner says, well, yeah, but you did this. You're not gonna go down that path. You're gonna be like, yeah, we can talk about that another time, but right now we need to solve this challenge that we're facing. And you just keep bringing 'em back, right?

So when you get prepared upfront with just by a simple intention and you express and communicate that intention to your partner. And you hold that intention as you move through the challenging conversation. I'm telling you what the outcome on the other side of this is going to be completely different than if you just wing it like most of us do most of the time.

So when you have to have a difficult conversation, which of course you need to have, set an intention before you go into it. All right. I hope that's helpful for you. Until next time, please take really good care.