Episode 129: Ask Sharon: Am I staying for the wrong reasons?

Ah, hello. Hi, how are you? I'm sorry. I have a little cold, so Oh, no worries. No worries. All right. Do you want me to read what you had, or do you want to fill us in?

Oh boy. Um, well it kind of was my, my, what I wrote probably doesn't even make much sense. Oh no, it totally does. It totally does. Actually notes it was over the place I have. You can go ahead and read it. It's fine. We'll read it and that'll give us a launching pad. There you go. Sounds great. You can add to it anything you feel like you missed.

Okay. Alright. So I was pretty close to changing to divorce differently and now I'm thinking Marriage 2.0 because I really can't go anywhere and it seems he's trying a bit more. Let me rewind a bit. My in-laws both came down with COD and now my father-in-law is on oxygen and fighting long covid. We are chipping in our time to keep them out of the home.

They need 24 hour care and I'm unemployed right now, so it's working out. I also have a pro, a chronic pain condition that is keeping me home. And truthfully, it has me very scared to be on my own. Again, I was super independent before I got married. I just wonder if I'm staying for all the wrong reasons or if our marriage is worth fighting for.

We have been together 14 years and we'll celebrate 10 years on July 7th. Honestly, the last 14 years have been. Made out to be all about my step kids and my niece and nephews. I told my husband years ago that if we didn't make time for us, that there would be no us when the kids grow up and move out.

Wise words for every parent, the resentment there has grown and grown. I also wanted to have a baby and went through a ton of surgeries, doctor's appointments, shots, and in the end, after an ectopic pregnancy. The endo. I, I just, it's endometrial end. Okay. Sorry. Okay, thanks. It led to a complete hysterectomy two years ago.

That has put a huge strain on our marriage because he, for one reason, he did not grieve with me because it wasn't important to him. I have resentment there. I also wanted to try in vitro, but needed a new truck. We couldn't finance both of them, so the truck won and I wasn't notified until he brought the truck home.

Obvious resentment there. Then lost my mother pretty suddenly to lung cancer at 67. He had no idea how to be supportive and I've been going through it alone. Resentment there. He knows all the things we have discussed. We have seen three marriage counselors in the past nine years and the, and honestly, your program has done more for our marriage than any of the therapists.

I don't wanna start over and I'm honestly scared. The one thing Joe is good with is my daily pain. So you take the pros with the cons, right? There's a few things I wanna just poke around about and then we'll get to the, the meat of it. So you said, I just wonder if I'm staying for all the wrong reasons or if our marriage is worth fighting for, and I crossed it out and I wrote, and like you might be staying for the, what you call the wrong reasons.

Wrong is the judgment, the reasons you're staying is your chronic pain. And like that makes it more difficult when you're alone, I'm sure. Um, and the idea of starting over again. Mm-hmm. And the marriage might be worth fighting for. Right. And you know, the way I look at things is like, look, we either get busy staying or we get busy going, right.

So, and when you take a step in any direction, you will gain some new information that will help, you know, oh, wait a minute. Wrong direction, or. Okay, keep going. Okay, keep going. Right? So for you, like if you know that you're not gonna leave, at least not right now, then I'm just of the opinion that, like, why not try to make it feel better as long as I'm here?

Why be miserable? Right? Because that's not gonna help my chronic pain. That's not gonna help me be a caregiver to my family. Fricking 24 7. That's not gonna, and all the resentments that you've built up. The thing about the resentments that we carry is that we carry them. Mm-hmm. And that's a heavy weight.

If every one of those ways that he hurt you and you're carrying the resentment, if every one of those was five pounds, you would have like a 20 pound weight. Let's just say it sits around your neck. It's like one of those, like neck huggers, let's just say it just sits there. 20 pounds. It goes with you everywhere you go.

The grocery store, your in-laws house. Picking up your nephew from school. I don't know, but it's there with you and you're carrying it. So whether you choose to stay or not, you want to release those resentments for you anyway. Now that doesn't happen magically, right? I know. No, God. Like, just forgiven.

It'll be fine. It doesn't work like that. So, and as long as you're gonna stay, then let's, let's try to make it feel better for you. Why not try, but what the hell do we have to lose? Because otherwise we just walk out. Okay. Or we live in misery. That's not a great plan. Let's not do that. If the resentments weren't there.

So there's, there's, I counted 1, 2, 3. There's a few more that I couldn't even list, but there's, there's some, like, these are, they're not insignificant, you know? So let's say if these resentments that you've shared, if they weren't there, how would you feel about your marriage? Uh, um. I sometimes think it's of convenience for the two of us.

Um, and I do know that we love each other. Okay. But it kind of, when I met him, he had just come out of a divorce and had two young kids. My sister dealt with her demons and she had her three kids that I helped raise. So we just kind of came together with that and like I said, we never made it about us.

Mm-hmm. So it was always about doing stuff with them and you know, him. Um, to be quite honest, it's like his life has gotten better and my life has just kind of. Going down the toilet, but I'm happy about that. That's what I was there for. I'm a fixer. I'm a pleaser, obviously. Yeah. Your whole section.

Yeah. So I don't know how to feel about it. I wanna feel good about it. I wanna feel good. Like I want to, like this is our time and we're still young, you know, we're in our forties and we can go do things and um, I wanna feel good and I see marriages feel good. Yeah. And that's the tough part. Yeah. And I see other people leave their marriages and come out happy.

I. Do you know what I mean? Answer, like, oh, you're always happy when you leave your marriage. Everyone would do it. You're always happy when you stay. Everyone would do it. Right? Everyone's got their own answer, and it's just, it's also the dynamic between the two of you. Right? So there's, we have a very friendly, like I call us, um, very good roommates.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. We're, we're very, we, we coexist very well. Okay. Do you know what I mean? Does that make sense? Oh yeah. Yeah. Do you still hug and kiss? No. Um, well, we've just started that again because I tell him I need that. Mm-hmm. Like I said, I've tried to move towards, you know, like I said, I'm gonna be here for a minute because, you know, my in-laws need me and I don't have, I'm, um, not employed right now.

So I told him I need that and I, my entire marriage was without hugs and kisses, and I'm a super affectionate person, so it's almost like I get them from the kids or I get them from my dogs. You are like, oh my God. So, um. I just watched all of Esther Perls. She has a course called Rekindling Desire and there's so much in that course that speaks like to this example, right?

Um, yeah, there's so much, um, and you know, I've gotta distill it down to be able to share it with you all, but there was a lot, and this is my notebook, this is my Esther notebook. Um, so there was a lot in there about how. Almost everyone puts when kids come along, whether they're adopted to you or come to you, or their step kids or they're your kids.

Like when kids come along, um, we will, that becomes the priority and that becomes front and center. But the thing that, um, that she put language to that I appreciated, and lemme see if I can find it super quick. But it was like the things that we need with kids is stability and repetition and consistency, which is the exact polar opposite of sustaining desire in the relationship.

So these two things work intention with each other, and most people, for various reasons will pour themselves into the kids and they will completely neglect. The relationship. The other thing that she said is that there was no, there mostly is never anyone in charge of the relationship. Like even if you have defined roles, like where, okay, you're not gonna work.

I'm gonna work, you're gonna take care of my parents, and you're gonna make sure the kids have what they need. Okay. Who's tending to the marriage? Who's tend, whose responsibility is it to make sure that we stay connected? 'cause sometimes I'm so deep in the weeds with kids and parents that I can't do that.

Can you do that? Can you tend to our relationship for us? Can you make sure that we stay connected? Here's what that could look like. Are you willing to take on that responsibility? And then can I appreciate your tending to that because I don't have the bandwidth or energy or wherewithal to do it right now.

And so because we, no one's paying attention to that. It feels inevitable because sex creates babies, but babies kill sexual desire. And it, it's like, it's such a, um, yeah. What a conundrum we've gotten ourselves into. Um, it feels inevitable that like, oh, once you have kids like. Sex life and desire and anything erotic is over.

That's not really true. It's just that no one taught us that. Like, Hey, you better have someone tending to that. Otherwise, this, you know, the kids need mom and dad to be happy, otherwise there is no family, right? So we keep prioritizing the family, but we don't prioritize us as a couple, and then the couple doesn't exist, and therefore the family doesn't exist.

And so everything that we thought we were working towards doesn't even exist anymore. So the basis of the family, the, the foundation of the house is the two of you, and if we don't pay attention to that foundation, eventually there are cracks and there are leaks, and there is shit that goes wrong. And so, you know, this I idea that like we shouldn't have to work at it.

It should just stay the same between us all the time. And we should just always desire each other the same way we always have. And we should want to prioritize each other and we should be curious about each other. All that shit that we know like we should do, no one's doing. And so then we're like, oh, we're so disconnected.

And when you're disconnected, by the way, you for sure don't give your partner the benefit of the doubt on anything. Like, you just get pissed off, right? So for instance, you lose your mom. That's a like, to me, that's like a moment of truth. Yes. Losing a baby. Losing a mom, you, you lost both, right? And. Instead of going, you know what?

And a sister that, oh gosh, gosh. Um, I'm really sorry. Yeah. It's just, yeah. But no, sorry. It's just the women in my life that I could go to for any of this, like my older sister, my mom, I'm just like, you know, but, so thank you Sharon. I'll be your girlfriend. Um, the thing is, like tho grief is a very, um, individual thing.

Everyone grieves differently and you know, I can't say if I had a dollar for every time I've heard it, I'd be rich. 'cause I wouldn't be. But I might have a hundred dollars of where, you know, a woman lost a, a child in pregnancy like with a miscarriage or something like that and she was really, really grieving and her husband didn't have the same emotional reaction Ah, because he wasn't yet connected to the child.

But you were carrying the child in your body like you were already connected. And also people grieve very differently. You know, if you take the example of, you know, and this is a generalization, but if there's a lot of men who can't access their emotions because we haven't ever really given them permission to do that, so it feels very foreign.

So when there's something that comes up, they sometimes will stuff it down. Now, women will sometimes do this too, like, and maybe you had to for. To be able to like keep putting one foot in front of the other after that much loss. But he wasn't grieving in the same way that you were. He didn't know how to support you.

We think it should be intuitive and maybe for women, like you're saying, like the women in my life, they would know what to do. But what, like if you didn't have the resentments, you might have been able to step back and just go like, you know what? We do grieve differently, and he doesn't actually know how to support me, so I'm gonna have to tell him what I need.

A confused mind always does nothing. He didn't know what to do, so he does nothing. But then I feel alone, or I make it mean he doesn't give a shit. And maybe none of those are true.

So exactly what I thought. So, um, what is one area that you feel like, okay, if we're gonna work on this. Sharon, help me, help me start here. Like where, gimme an area. Is it just spending time together again? Connection. Re it's almost like we have to reconnect. Yes. If that makes sense. Like total connection.

We don't even, we don't know how to just be the two of us anymore. Yeah. That make sense? Totally. Yes. Yes. Okay. Michelle knows what I'm going for. Okay, so I'm gonna share something with you and I'm gonna, this is a tease for all of you. Get ready. Yesterday I was in full on creation mode and I created another course, video series, whatever for y'all.

Um, and it is around going from the path of disconnection back to desire. Oh, that's the path I need. So I'm gonna show you a visual and everyone know that you will get all the details on this very soon. I may not even be able to wait till next month's teaching call. It may have to happen before then and I'll record it.

So let me share this with you. Everyone finds me in a place of disconnection, right? And then people will start asking me, I. Sharon, how am I? Like, I don't even wanna have sex with him. I don't desire him. I'm not attracted to him. Like, how am I ever gonna do this? I might as well just hang it up. Forget it.

Like, but the problem is, is that they're asking for like the top of this. They want healthy sex, they want healthy desire, but they're at a place of disconnection. They don't know that there are some steps you're going need to go through to rebuild that, to get back to a place of where you feel desire for your partner again.

So it goes through things like. Appreciation. That's why one of the very first tools I teach you is like the buffet analogy. Like it doesn't mean that there's not gonna be shit about your husband that drives you crazy. Like of course there is fine whatever. But there's also a bunch of things that are really cool about them, and you get to choose what you fill your plate up with.

If you fill your plate up with a whole bunch of shit you hate to eat, it will taste bad, or you can fill your plate up with things that you like, so appreciation, then you can move into respect. And respect does not mean you have to be carbon copies of each other, but respect means you have to have respect for your differences that he grieves differently than you, that he doesn't.

He cannot reach your mind and he may not know how to support you through grief because maybe he's never been through it. Maybe he does, even if he has what he would need and what you might need might be very different things. Right. So respect is then the next level. Then there's the reprioritization of the We matter, like both of you sort of agreeing that the construct of us, our relationship is really important and we really matter.

We matter to our family because we're the foundation. But we also matter to our happiness because we got into this marriage so that we could walk along this life alongside someone. You're my someone. Congratulations. We matter. And that's when you can start making the two of you more of a priority. Then you can go into building trust or rebuilding trust.

If there isn't that, and that doesn't have to mean, um, it can just mean emotional trust. Like, am I safe with you? Then you've gotta get to this is, this is the part where it gets a little more fun. You need lightness, you need fun, you need something. Laughter, you need levity. Like so often people are like, oh, we need to have a date night.

So then we go out to dinner, we sit across the table from each other, so it feels like a business meeting. We talk about our kids, we talk about the home. We talk about the things we have to get done. If we're really adventurous, we talk about work. Or God forbid, we start talking about the status of our relationship and all that isn't working like that feels horrible.

So whoever wants to go on a date night, it feels like that, as opposed to, let's take a cooking class together. Let's go for a hike. Let's move our bodies. Let's go to a comedy show, go to a wine tasting together. Get together with your friends, have adult interactions with other adults as opposed to always being with the kids.

Yeah. Any of this, like move your body stuff. The walk, run, hike, side by side, shoulder to shoulder is easier than face to face. And you need some, you need to reconnect with fun, both of you do. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And if you're doing it together, then lo and behold, then you start to feel closer to your partner.

Then you can go to like connection and communication and intimacy, which is not just sex, but closeness. Right? Closeness. Then you can reach for sex. But we got some things to do before that, and all it takes is like. You two need to make your relationship and your fun a priority, and those things are not productive.

So for those of you type A, get it done, check the box on the big long list. You'll hate this. You'll be so uncomfortable with this. I know this because I am that person. Like just doing something without it, having productivity, like taking a walk with my husband, would I ever do it without the dogs? The dogs seemed walked.

Isn't that crazy? But like, if it's just about us and it's not about the dogs, like, and those are my kids. If it's not about the kids, then here they're my kids. Then we take a walk on the beach, you know? So look for those, like come up with some things that would feel good for both of you that aren't just the same thing all the time, because.

No one reads the same book 200 times. That goes for books. It goes for sex, it goes for date nights or mornings, whatever. It's, but like have some build in some fun, reconnect with fun, and if it feels too scary to do it with your spouse, then at least do it for yourself and then invite your spouse along.

I've been doing it for myself for a long time. We haven't. We don't. Okay. He doesn't like to hang out with my friends. I think you responded in the group one time because I go on vacation by myself 'cause he doesn't wanna go so. Well that's good. Good for you. Like I'm not saying don't do that because never hold yourself back from doing something you wanna do.

Just 'cause it's not your partner's thing. But there has to be something for the two of you. Right. And I think if you even sat down with him and said, 'cause imagine the difference in the reaction that you would get. Look, if we don't make time for us, they're not. There's not gonna be an us once these kids go off to college.

That's one. And what you're saying, the words are not wrong, but now imagine saying it like this. The kids are important and there's nothing that you or I wouldn't do for them. The problem is, is that we, when we don't prioritize our relationship together, it's not doing any favors to the family, the structure of the family.

And so of course I want to feel good about our marriage, but also if we intend to keep the family intact, then you and I need to make ourselves a priority. And realize that our relationship with one another really matters. Because if this breaks down, a whole bunch of other shit starts breaking down. So what if, you know, call it once a week and I, I'm gonna make something up.

It doesn't mean it'll work for you, so just make something work for you once a week. Instead of you going off to work at 7:00 AM you're gonna stay home for two hours and from seven to nine kids are gone. You're not at work. You go into work late one day a week and we go for breakfast or we go for a walk or we hike or we, um, I don't care.

We could sit in the living room and listen to music in our underwear. Like, like, it doesn't even have to be sexual. It doesn't even have to be in your underwear. We could reminisce, we could go through photo album, like, I don't care. But something, ideally you get out of the house, but you don't have to. I can be in the house, you know?

So something that would feel good for the two of you. Yeah. So I never, it doesn't help that we work together as well. We did work together as well. We were together all the time and nothing to do with fun. Right. And then even when you are out supposedly having something that is supposed to be fun, what we do is we end up talking business or shop.

Absolutely. Right. So those things have to be off limits. Like there's a whole bunch more things to each of us than just our kids. In our job, there are things that we are interested in, there are things we have learned about that we wanna talk about or share. There are questions that we have, there are things we wanna explore.

There are, you know, there's a bunch of things that we can talk about that has nothing to do with managing a household or managing a business. It doesn't mean those things aren't unimportant like they are, but we talk about them all the time. This is one one hour or two hour space where we're not gonna talk about that, and we're also not gonna wrestle our relationship problems to the ground.

We're just gonna have some fun. We're gonna laugh at things on the television, at the bar that we're at. We're gonna people watch and. Giggle about, make up stories about what we think is going on with them. Whatever. Like anything, it doesn't matter. It's just like, can we just have some fun? That's what we need.

If you're moving your body, it's hard to be anxious and move your body at the same time. So whether it's dancing or hiking or running or whatever, like. Find anything, it doesn't even matter. Just whatever would work for the two of you. But start somewhere. And I think the big thing, the big shift is the mindset that we, as a couple, really fricking matter.

When you can make that mindset, then you can figure out what to do. It's not the, it's not the activity, it's more the mindset shift. Right. And now that he going through a grief, I think he is more apt to. Just kind of give it a little more because he's actually going through grief with his, you know, his parents are older, so unfortunately the inevitable is gonna happen sooner than later, probably.

So I think he understands a little bit more of what I've gone through and what It's not easy. But also that being said, it's hard for me because I went through it all alone and I, he's gonna have me when he goes through it. I wish I had a me when I went through it. Um, so what, alright, what could he have said to you?

Like, what if he, imagine after your mom passed and he came to you and said something like. Babe, I don't know what to do, but I know I love you and I know I wanna support you. What do you need right now? I would've just said a hug. Right? So I'm pretty easy. Like, and I even, I would ask him, he just has like, he has such a lack of emotion, but he cries at movies.

I don't get, it doesn't make sense. I don't know. And he's so, he is a good guy. Like, you know, they're all good guys, right? Like Yeah, I know. Um, but yeah, so true. Even when they're not women say he's such a good friend, right? Right. He's such a good guy. So when we don't know what to do, we are left with two, two options.

We either give you what I would need, which is never the same, or I do nothing. Both of which doesn't feel good for you, but, and both of which probably make you feel pretty alone. So just ask. I want to support you. I want to love you right now. I know you're going through a difficult time. I. What do you need right now?

And then keep asking because what we need changes by the day. Sometimes it's a hug. Sometimes it's like, I need you to get me outta this damn house so that I can get outta my head. I need like, uh, there were times I would tell my husband, I'm like, you need to take me to a comedy show and the next five days, or I'm going to humanly combust.

Because sometimes I just need to laugh. Like I, I deal with lots of heavy topics, you know, and sometimes it's like I just need to laugh and I don't have anything to laugh about in my life, so go put me in front of a comedian. That's great. I like that. Mm-hmm. You know, so just ask, you know, what he needs and.

Be, you know, who you would have wanted and don't, you know, you know this, it will feel tempting to withhold, like you're gonna go through it alone. 'cause I went through it alone. Oh gosh. You have no idea. But, and I'm like, I'm, I'm not that person by at all, but gosh. I really kinda wanna be, but I'm not gonna be because I can't be.

So it's not who I expect by nature, who I am. But it won't even impact him the the way that it impacted you either because he's not gonna need the same thing you needed. Right. Right. And so he's not gonna feel the gap of that. So all you can do is just show up and be fully you. Yeah. And the more direct you can be with him.

Um, so for instance, lots of women go to their husbands and say something like, I'm just not happy, but what is a man supposed to do with that? My wife isn't happy. That sucks done that. I think I'm supposed to make her happy. I don't really know how to do that. Confused mind does nothing. Right. As opposed to or Or we say, if we don't make space for us, there's not gonna be any US in 10 years.

And he's thinking, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll deal with that in 10 years. Like it's not a thing now. Right. Or if we don't make space for us, our marriage will not last and we will be divorced inside of five years. Oh, now I'm paying attention. Now I'm leaning it. Wait a minute. So we are not gonna be married in the next few years if, what does that mean?

How do we do that? This means once a week there is space for you and I just like you wouldn't ever miss a day of work outside of being on your deathbed. Like you don't just not show up for work 'cause you don't feel like it, or you're too tired, you don't skip that time. That is sacred time. And I don't care if you show up like limping, like limping along, like, but show up for each other.

It doesn't have to be anything big. It doesn't have to be a hike up a mountain. It can be like sitting around listening to old music in your underwear in the living room. I don't care. But it has to be time for you where the kids are not around, okay? Mm-hmm. Yep. I'm gonna give that a go. All right. Let me know how it goes.

I definitely will.