Episode 131: Ask Sharon: When Guilt, Fear, and Finances Hold You Back

 Making a decision about your relationship is never easy, but you don't have to do it alone inside the decision. The only place where I offer direct coaching, I help women just like you navigate the uncertainty of their marriage. Today I'm opening the doors and sharing a behind the scenes look at a real q and a session.

In this episode, you'll hear real questions, real coaching, and real breakthroughs. Whether you're facing a tough decision or just seeking clarity, I hope this gives you exactly what you need to take your next step. Yeah, so I mean, I don't, you know, wanna go back into education, it's just, it's. It. So yeah, I don't, I don't wanna do that.

Do you like to teach but maybe not be in a school system? Yeah. Yeah. And I've been tutoring now, but, you know, it doesn't, doesn't pay. It's not something I could live off of if I'm divorced, that's for sure. Okay. So tutoring isn't necessarily the answer. It could be like supplemental in income, but not like the big income.

You can't, so what are, so what are some other ways, like even corporations have, um. Things that are like, uh, organizational development or sales training or like, there's lots of ways to, I, I, and I think not in, in this particular call, this is more of a coaching call, but when I'm doing the, um, teaching call once a month, like I'm in teacher mode.

Like there's lots of ways to teach. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Corporate training. So maybe some of that might be an avenue to start looking into, because teaching, I know when you come up as an educator, it's like, it looks one way, right? Like you're in a school classroom and you know you've got a certain curriculum and stuff like that.

Do you have, um, but it doesn't have to look that way. Like do you have a master's? Yeah. In history. So also look into local colleges. They're always looking for adjunct. Professors. Yeah. Yeah. I've, I've put my, um, my, my resume in. I haven't heard back from the local community colleges. Yeah. So, yeah. Just keep hustling, you know?

Yeah. And you'll find that. And then, so the two of you, are you still living together today, or you're separated? No, um, that's conversation that we need to have. Uh. Conversation yet. Okay. About separation, because it's what I want, but it's not what he wants. And part of my guilt also is that everybody loves, he is the funny guy.

And yeah, I think family and friends are gonna be really blindsided. Yeah. Yeah. Well, but they're not married to him. Well, true. They get to enjoy him like at holidays and. Yeah. You know? Yeah. So, yeah. I mean, he doesn't have to be a jerk. Right? Right. He's not a jerk. I mean, for the most part, you know, um, I have the feeling he will become a jerk once, you know, divorce proceedings start going through.

Well, how you enter into that conversation makes a difference. It doesn't guarantee, but it makes a difference. Right. If you blurt out again, I want a divorce, like. That sets the tone for how things are going to unfold. Where if you said to him, look, you have made changes, I've seen them, but our disconnect, I feel like maybe it was just too wide to now try to bridge through kind actions and you know, I, as much as I want to feel closer to you, and I want to feel like, yes, this is the only.

This is my person. This is the one I'm gonna be with forever. I want, I wish I felt that way because life would be so much easier. You're a great human being, but you know what? We both deserve better because you deserve to be with someone who genuinely wants to be with you and thinks you are the cat's meow, right?

And I, and so let's, we don't have to hate each other and no one has to be the villain in this story. And we can do this well for our son and for ourselves. We're going to be in each other's lives forever. So let's not make our son navigate because you and I can't communicate as adults. Like, let's just, okay, let's do, let's do this well so that we don't put our son right in the middle of it, you know?

Okay. Yeah. And then that sets the tone. It doesn't mean he is not gonna blow up, have a panic attack, leave, come back, cry. Uh, it, we don't know how he's gonna act, but I promise you, you're gonna have a much better opportunity to have this go on a more peaceful path. Yeah, if you try it that way, yeah. And then you two could sit down and be able to come together and say, okay, well we've got some pragmatic things we gotta figure out.

'cause now if we separate, we've gotta support two households. So what does that mean? What does that look like? Yeah. Without having an agenda about what you need it to look like or what he needs it to look like. Like, 'cause it's just finances are math. Right. So what do, if we could, if we could wave the magic wand, what would we want it to look like?

Oh, we both live in a four bedroom house down the street from each other, like all that. And then you start backing up from it and going, okay, but what's possible today? Yeah, the thing, we have to sell this one house so that we both can have two smaller houses. Does it mean that one of us is gonna move out and we're gonna move into, what kind of a place?

Is it a short term lease? Is it a house? Is it an apartment? What does that look like? We've just gotta go through those options. It can look a bunch of different ways, but it can't look any way we want it necessarily. Right. I've been avoiding that conversation for a while. Well, you have to have a first conversation first, like you're using the secondary conversation of what it's gonna look like and how we're gonna pay for it and all that as the means to avoid having this first conversation, which is telling him what's on your heart and mind, and he needs to know that.

Yeah, and he even approached me like a month ago saying, you know, when's a good time that you know, sit and have our sit and have a conversation about us. But I just started your divorce differently program. And I told him, gimme some time. So I'm kind of, you know, through the first three phases and yeah, I face that.

I don't call it the ring of fire for nothing. Here's something I want, I, I'll plant the seed. It's hard to gr wrap your mind around like in one thing. So I feel like, but if I plant the seed and you let it grow and you water it and you like eventually you might be able to feel that way, which is this idea that like he does deserve someone.

Yeah. Who thinks he's fantastic, who wants to be with him? Right. And so he may not be willing to set himself free because he's also scared. Yeah. And he probably loves you in all the ways that he knows how to love you and Okay. But that doesn't mean that you two can't come out the other side of this, and both of you be in a much better position than you are today.

Yeah. So the unknown is what feels so terrifying to us that we're willing to remain in this known place, right? Where my wife doesn't wanna have sex with me, where we're living completely separate lives. But I want that. I wanna keep that. I'm willing to keep that. Yeah. Because I'm so terrified that what's on the other side will be worse.

Yeah. What if it's better? My ex-husband is in a much better situation, and he didn't want it because he too was filled with fear because he didn't know what was ahead of him. Yeah, he's good. I'm good. Like it can be better than it is right now. Right? We both know that. So if you can start to look at it, not from the lens of I am hurting him, but more like I'm doing the hard thing and setting us both free.

Because liberation never works one way. It works both ways. Yeah, that's that's a good way of putting it, because that's how I feel like, yeah. And from that place then it becomes more like, I don't wanna, maybe it's a stretch to call it a compassionate thing to do, but maybe I don't have to carry all the guilt because I'm hurting this guy who's a great guy and there's a reason everyone loves him.

Okay. But that doesn't mean that I have to remain married to him. I can still have love for him. I can still think he's an amazing person. I can think he's an amazing dad. I can even be in relationship with him, just not in my most intimate relationship with him. Right, right. I mean, I, I would love to be, you know, one of those blended families one day, you know?

But I don't know that. At least right now. I don't think he's capable of that, but But don't worry about him right now. Yeah. Try to like our brains, try to figure out what are all the 200 different ways he could react and respond. And let me come up with the way that I'm gonna safeguard myself when I'm like, you know what?

Just show up. Genuinely, compassionately and authentically and be honest, but not honest. Like cutting honest more just like. From the heart truthful. Yeah. Right. And keep encouraging him that you two can come through this beautifully. That there's many ways that you work really well together and there's no reason that that has to change, but this one piece of our relationship, it's really, it's not working for me, and it doesn't make you a bad person.

I'm really trying to make it not make that I'm a bad person. I'm trying to get there. Maybe I'm not there all days. 'cause I do feel, I don't, I don't wanna hurt you. Yeah. This doesn't feel good and I know you're gonna be hurting and frankly I'm hurting. Yeah. See if that can like kickstart a real conversation.

He gets to react or respond however, but the more you can just keep showing up with that energy of, look, we can do this well, and we can come out the other side of this and be happy. There's a video in the platform that, um, is called Parenting through Divorce and it's under the, the mini teachings. But if you just type in parenting through divorce.

Okay, I'm writing that down. Yeah. Um, and this is being recorded, um, where I did a, an interview with two people who just handled it beautifully. She had to keep telling her husband over and over and over, and she still is telling him this. By the way, they've been divorced for three years. She still has to remind him like we're still allowed to be a family.

You are still dad. I'm still mom. Like I get that other people outside of us don't understand that because what they've seen is most of the world where I have to hate you. You have to hate me, right? I think you're the bad guy. You think I'm the horrible bitch. Right. And then suffer. And so that's why so many articles are written about how children suffer through divorce because of how the parents handle it.

Yeah. Yeah. Right. So you'll, even if you have to say it a hundred times, it's worth it to just keep reminding him even when he's spiraling, because the, what's behind the spiral is fear. Yeah. Right? And you keep speaking faith into him. You just keep reminding him that we're gonna be okay. Yeah. We come, we're gonna be able to do this.

And is it hard? Yeah. But we've done lots of hard things in this life. Yeah. Is that something I should tell my son? No, I mind you, my kids are older. Like they're almost, that's way down. What's that? Way Down the path. Way down the path. So you know, in the divorce differently platform. And that's successful, right?

The first step is telling your partner, your decision and how to prepare for that, how to say it, and then what to do immediately after. Then you start getting into, okay, the pragmatics of what is this gonna look like? Once you know what it looks like, that's when you get into telling the kids, okay? I don't, I just want you to do 10 feet at a time right now.

Okay? 'cause trying to eat the entire thing all at once, trying to consume the entire thing all at once is what will keep you just stuck and paralyzed and not moving forward. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She can see 10 feet at a time, and you're 10 feet right now, I think. Write down what you wanna say. Don't even share it with him.

Just write it down for you. I have actually. Okay. Alright. Then repeat it out loud to yourself. At least once or twice a day. Okay. Like when you're in your car. Yeah. Because writing it down, getting it out of here and putting it on paper is one thing. Getting it through these vocal cords is a whole different deal.

Right saying the words that for me, the marriage is complete, or I think our best next step is to move towards separation. That's a much different thing. So I want you practicing it, not so that it comes off flawlessly, but because you feel more comfortable that you can speak out some really hard words.

Yeah. Yeah. And that's just it. That's it. That's all you have to do right now. Then your next 10 feet after that, after you do that, after you've practiced it and you feel comfortable, is planning for that conversation. When is it going to take place? What's going on in our lives? Is it gonna be a Monday night before a big meeting?

Probably not. Is it gonna be a Sunday afternoon right before our kids go on holiday break? Like what is it? You gotta think through the logistics of it and go, okay, when is it that we're gonna have this conversation? And then you set up having that conversation with him. The next conversation being what separation looks like?

No, no. The conversation being where you share what you wrote down. Oh, okay. Okay. Yep. Okay. So first is you getting really comfortable? Not really comfortable. Getting more comfortable. With feeling like you're prepared to have that conversation without knowing all the other answers. Yeah. Than actually having the conversation.

And then he or you will wanna try to get into like, oh, what does this look like and how can we afford it? And this isn't gonna work and I'm not selling the house, I'm staying in the house. All that drama that comes up. And you're like, Nope, not right now. Not right now. Okay. You wanna let this sink in for us?

Yeah. And then let's both put some thought to it about what it could look like, and then we can come back together and have a more productive conversation about that. But right now, this is a lot to handle. Yeah. Just emotionally coming to terms with that. This marriage is going to end. Let's just deal with that right now.

Okay? Yeah. Yeah. 10 feet. I just, the lizard starts talking to me and I know how he's gonna react. You know, I just, I don't know, maybe, maybe he will surprise me and not go from zero to 60, but I, you know, knowing him, you get what we expect. Yeah. Why don't, why don't we see people like what we could go into it going, oh, he is gonna be a total shit show.

Or we could go, you know what, maybe it, maybe it'll work out just fine. Yeah, IM hoping it's a 50 50 opportunity that he might soften or he might show up with anger. Okay. But it's at least a 50 50. Yeah. And it, and he's not gonna be surprised this isn't coming out of the blue. He knows. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Or he might do both.

Exactly. He might do both. Yeah. And you'll do it at different times because the rollercoaster is called a rollercoaster for a reason. Yeah. Yeah. Right. So, and he is allowed to have emotions. He's allowed to have feelings and those feelings are gonna move all the time and so are yours. And it's part of the process.

Nothing's gone wrong. Yeah. So he is not, you know, like if he's raging in your face, like that's not allowed, like no. Right. Terrible for that. But if he is upset, he is allowed to be upset. His wife of 24 years is telling him it's over. It's okay. Feelings about that. Yeah, true, true. And you just keep reminding him.

We're gonna be better on the other side of this, and I know you don't believe me now, okay? I'm gonna keep telling myself that, and I'm gonna hold that hope for both of us because you deserve better and I deserve better, not better people. Just a better life, right? Yeah, yeah. Right? Yeah. You can eat anything 10 feet at a time.

What you can't do is like eat all the food you're going to eat in your entire life in one sitting. Just one meal at a time. Yeah. That's always okay. Right. I hope that was helpful for you. Yeah, definitely. You need that reminder. Just come into the Facebook group and be like, all right, remind me again how many feet at a time.

Yeah. Right. Because you don't tell the kids and like that's the third or fourth big conversation that you have. Yeah. Right. You gotta do the first one first. Yeah. Okay, you Sharon. Yeah. Is it acceptable to write it down and share it with him first, then discuss in a conversation, like thus giving him time to process it?

Um, yeah. Yeah. I think, uh, whatever you feel like is the best way for you to do it. Like, think about it as. Like ideally we're able to have conversation like you, Maggie, you know, the energy between I'm doing this to avoid it because I'm scared to death to have the conversation, which I know is not you. But I'm saying this for everyone else, like I'm too scared to have the conversation.

So I'll write it down and pass a note under the door when he is in the bathroom. Like I wouldn't do it then, right? I would challenge it. But if you had to write it down and the only way you can get through that conversation is to read it to him. Yeah, I, yeah, that's what I was gonna do. Or I want you to be able to process this and then let's come back together because it's a lot, and then we'll have a conversation.

And I want you to know I'm gonna show up as loving and compassionately through this process as I can. I have no intention on hating you. I have no intention of either of us living under a bridge. Yeah. I have no intention of taking our son away from you or any of that. So just rest on that. Yeah, well my kids are 19 and 21, so Yeah.

But you know, this is your example, helps lots of people, so Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, or you could say, and you could say things like, I have no intention of badmouthing you to our kids. Uh, I'm right. You're a great father. And, and the reason you would say those things, folks, is because. You wanna automatically calm their fears.

So when you tell them this, their lizard brain is gonna pop up and they're gonna have lots of fears. So your fears are guilt and finances and kids. He's gonna have fears of his own. And maybe his fear is you're gonna, he's gonna be the bad guy in this story and now his kids aren't gonna wanna have a relationship with him, or he's gonna be alone forever.

Or, um, or he's, maybe he has financial fears. Any of that, like if you know where his brain is gonna go or you have a suspicion of where his brain's gonna go, you can sort of be on offense as opposed to defense. You can just, uh, yeah, I have no, I'm not gonna bring the drama here. Yeah. I'm gonna show up and do this as peacefully and lovingly and I as I can.

It's not gonna be easy. And I have no intention on hating you or making you the bad guy in this. Yeah. Okay. That's good. That's, yeah. All right. That's, that's good advice to, you know, be proactive and say something like that. Yeah. Yeah. Because otherwise we're waiting for them to lob the fear over to us. And in the meantime, especially if they walk away to process and then come back now they've got a few days of spiraling in their thoughts.

Yeah. It might not even have any basis for reality. It's just their fear talking. Right, right. Yeah. Yeah. Finding clarity in your relationship is one of the most important journeys you'll ever take, and you don't have to do it alone. If you're ready for support and guidance, apply for a Truth and Clarity session.

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