Episode 144: What Are You Really Focused On?

Welcome to the Loving Truth Podcast, where it's all about finding clarity, confidence, and peace in the face of marriage challenges. And now your host relationship expert and certified master life coach, Sharon Pope. Hello, loves. This is Sharon Pope and this is The Loving Truth. Today I wanna talk with you about what are you seeking and where is it that you're focused.

This is a really important topic that we have to go pretty deep on in order for you to understand really what's happening and how to use this tool in your life and in your marriage. Now, when women find their way to my work, their marriage doesn't feel good, right? So they're very clear about what it is that they don't want.

They know what they don't want. They don't want their marriage to continue to feel the way that it feels today. But many times, while they know what they don't want. They often don't typically know what it is that they do want, and that's only because they haven't spent a lot of time really considering that they've been really focused on the problems in the relationship more so than what it could be or what the potential is or isn't.

So let's begin here. When I ask women. What are the biggest challenges that you're experiencing in your marriage? They can very easily come up with a list of things that aren't really working very well in their relationship. They'll say that they've been disconnected for years and that they've grown apart.

They'll say that they don't communicate well, that they've never communicated very well, that they don't feel heard or understood in their relationship. They might say that they feel like they're living like roommates. Uh, they've stopped having sex in their relationship. They feel like they have nothing in common with their partner anymore.

Maybe they argue a lot. Sometimes people will tell me, you know, the arguing has only increased and become more intense over the years, and that's just become exhausting. Or they'll tell me they hardly speak anymore at all. Sometimes they'll go days without really even talking about much of anything. Or they give each other the silent treatment for days because they're irritated at each other, and that's the way that they punish one another is by withdrawing and withholding their attention, and frankly, their words, their engagement from the relationship.

That's the punishment. And so then I will ask them, you know, tell me about what's working well. Marriage. Now, this usually takes them a few more minutes to be able to get to, and that's just because they haven't been focused on what's been working well. But they can usually come up with really solid answers about what's working well and the relationship too.

They'll often tell me things like, well, we're good parents. You know, we parent well and we've got great kids. Like that's usually the first place that people go to. When it comes to what's working well, even though they might disagree on specifics around parenting styles, they feel like both of them are good parents to their kids, and they feel like their kids are amazing, right?

Of course they do. Um, they think that, you know, we're both good people. We're both kind people, and we both try hard. We just aren't terribly successful. You know, sometimes it's like, well, we're trying to do the right thing. We're trying to be nice to one another. I don't know why we can't get along.

Sometimes they'll tell me about how well they function, right? How well we operate inside of our lives, like we. Pay our bills on time and you know, we get the kids where they need to be. It's all about the logistics and the functional operations of life. They've figured out how to divide and conquer and who's in charge of what, and they're able to move through their, through their lives and, and get things done.

And that seems to function really well. And sometimes they'll tell me that they share similar values, that the things that they deeply care about at their core. Are pretty similar in nature. Even if the way in which we choose to live our lives might look or feel very different from one another. Now, while it is helpful to know what you don't want, because my friends, as soon as you know what you don't want, you automatically know what it is that you do want.

It's just the opposite of what you don't want, right? Anyone who's ever been lied to or cheated on what they want. They might say, I want, I, I don't wanna ever be cheated on again. I don't wanna ever feel that hurt and pain again. But what it is that they ultimately do want is honesty, transparency. They want to ultimately know that they're safe and that their partner's not going to intentionally hurt them very deeply.

Right? So once you know what you don't want, you know what you do want. I. Because I will tell you, it is equally as helpful, if not more helpful to know what it is that you do want in your relationship and what is working in the relationship. There are two sister principles that are at work all the time in all of our lives, and this is what's important to understand.

The first is whatever you go looking for, you for sure are going to find. A hundred percent of the time. And the other principle is that whatever you focus on, that is what is going to become bigger in your experience. So here's how that plays out inside of your marriage or your relationship. When you are looking for the problems in your marriage, you're going to find them.

You're gonna find them over and over and over again, and you're gonna see the same problems showing up Recurringly. And when you go looking for what's working well inside the relationship, you're going to find that right. If you're gonna look for all the ways that your spouse drives you crazy, you're going to find that I.

Over and over and over again. But if you're looking for all the things that you genuinely love and appreciate about your spouse, then you're also going to find that. So whatever it is you are looking for, that's what you're going to find it. It's a hundred percent of the time. And so if you leave it to your brain to just operate on its own.

80% of our thoughts are negative, and 95% of them are recurring. It's one of those, it's either, it's either 80% of our thoughts are negative and 90 per 95% are recurring, or 95% of our thoughts are negative and 80% are recurring. I think it's the former, but regardless if you leave your brain on autopilot, that's what it's gonna do.

It's gonna think the same negative thoughts over and over and over again. And then because our brains, it's almost like, think of it like it's a heat seeking missile, looking for the negative thing. Looking for that negative reinforcement. I. And so it's looking for problems to solve. Like your brain doesn't want to really pay attention to the things that are working really well.

It wants to pay attention to the problems that it can solve. Your brain doesn't like not having the answer to an open-ended question. It wants to figure it out. Our brains are problem solving machines, so that's why we focus on the problems in our relationship way more than we focus on what's actually working.

I. The relationship. So we focus on the problems, we focus on what's wrong, and then that becomes a greater part of our experience and we start to feel worse and worse about our marriages. Now, when we focus on the problems in our relationship, that's what's going to take up more of our mental space.

That's the part where. Whatever you focus on is going to become bigger in your experience. Whatever you're focused on is going to take up more of your mental space, because that's where you're focused, right? Just think of it as it's taking over a greater percentage of your day, what you're thinking about, what you're focused upon, where your energy is flowing to.

Right. And if you're focused on what's beautiful in the marriage and what's working really well, then that too is what is going to get bigger. But our brain is over here on autopilot and it's focused on all the negative things on repeat, right? So there's this thing, it's a, it's a cogni, it's a type of cognitive bias, and it's called, um, the Bader Meinhof phenomenon.

And it just means that when you're focused on something, it's going to appear that it's showing up more and more in your experience. It's why when you go and you buy a red car, now all of a sudden you're seeing a red car everywhere. That is that phenomenon network. It's a cognitive bias that happens for everyone.

And so the same thing is happening here inside your marriage because. We're focused on the negative and then the negative becomes a greater and greater part of our experience. Now, I know there are probably some of you right now going, okay, Sharon, so what you want me to lie to myself? You want me to just focus on the, the three or four good things that are working in my marriage and not focus on the eight bad things that are not working in my marriage?

That's not really what I'm suggesting. I'll never tell you to lie to yourself. I think in any marriage there's going to be things that work really well and there's going to be things that that don't work very well. And I think that just because there are some things that you really need to focus on in your marriage so that it can feel good to you, it doesn't negate the things that are working really well and the things that are beautiful about your relationship.

It doesn't mean you have to ignore the things that really need some attention right now in the marriage. I will always tell you that health resides in the middle. It's never at the extremes. You know, sometimes people will hear what I say and they're like, oh, so you just want me to lie to myself and just only focus on the fact that we're really great parents, but forget about the fact that we're not having sex.

No, no. It's never the extremes. It's like, can I hold two things simultaneously that are both true? We're amazing parents and we function really well in this way, and we're not close. We're not affectionate. We're no longer having sex, and sex is important to me. And so I feel like that's something that we need to figure out.

We've gotta find our way through this. Can you hold two things that don't mean the same thing? Can you hold them both at the same time? And I think we can, but it takes a little bit of mental engagement to be able to do that and not just leave our brain running on autopilot. So what I am suggesting is that we can become more intentional about what we choose to focus upon, and we can become more intentional about what it is that we really want, and we can focus more on the good things.

So for instance, we can get clear about what we want versus what we don't want, and then we can spend more time focusing on what's working versus what's not working in our relationship. And all it takes is a little bit of mental engagement to go, what am I gonna focus on right now? Am I going to focus on the fact that, you know, I don't know the way he loads the dishwasher, I'll come up with something silly, right?

Like the irritating things that my spouse does, the way he says he is gonna do something, and then three days later it's still not done. Or am I going to focus on the way I know he loves me and how he's doing the best he can, the way he gets so focused on one thing. He forgets about other things, and when he is really focused on me, that feels nice.

But when he is not focused on the things that I want him to do, then I get frustrated. Right? So we can focus more intentionally. It just requires us to be more intentional in terms of what we're thinking about. Knowing that whatever it is we're focused upon, it's going to become bigger in our experience.

So if you want to feel better about your marriage, and that's really the big question, 'cause a lot of us, we want to, like we say, we want to feel better, but we don't actually want to change anything in order to feel better. We just want our partners to change because we think that's the avenue that we're gonna feel better.

But how's that working? We can't just keep looking to everyone else and the circumstances around us to change in order for our lives to feel better. And all it takes is a little mental shift, right? It costs you nothing. It takes probably 20 or 30 seconds of your life to just focus more intentionally, to get really clear and not just let your mind run on autopilot.

It doesn't mean you don't want to or have to, or need to address the very real things, the problems in the marriage you do, but can you spend a little bit of time focusing on the things that actually function well, the things that are beautiful, the things that you genuinely value and appreciate in your partner.

Here's a challenge, maybe just for today, for one day. Leave the problems aside. They'll be there tomorrow. I promise. Leave the problems aside for one day and focus on something beautiful in your marriage, something that you appreciate or value in your husband, right? Maybe that's a great place to start. I hope this was helpful for you.

Until next time, please take really good care. If you're listening to this podcast because you're struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you're serious about finding that answer, it's time to book a Truth and Clarity session with a member of my team. On the call, we'll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there's a fit for you and I to work together.

So you can make and execute the right decision for you and your marriage. Go to Clarity for my marriage.com to fill out an application now that's clarity for my marriage.com.