Episode 152: When Change is Too Little, Too Late

Welcome to the Loving Truth Podcast, where it's all about finding clarity, confidence, and peace in the face of marriage challenges. And now your host relationship expert and certified master life coach, Sharon Pope. Hello, loves. This is Sharon Pope and this is the Loving Truth. Today we're going to be talking about the place where you get to where for you, you feel like the marriage is complete, and you share that with your partner.

And now he wants to change. He wants to do all the things that you've been asking for for the last five or 10 years. And now you're thinking, well, now what do I do? Because it, it creates a lot of confusion. So I want to revisit. Where you were, how you got to this place and how to move forward from it. So I know that you've been trying to lean into your marriage for years.

You've been trying to talk to him, you've been trying to tell him how you feel. You've been trying to bridge the disconnect between the two of you because you felt that the marriage was drifting years ago. You might've asked him to go to counseling with you and he might've said, nah, we don't need that.

But you can go to do that if you need to do it right? Or maybe you brought a concern. Uh, let's say you went to him and you said like, I feel really disconnected. And he either looked at you like a deer in headlights or. Maybe whatever upset you brought to him, he got kind of defensive about it and he denied it, or he blamed you or blamed, you know, the economy or he blamed the stress at work or whatever.

He just minimized your experience to the point where you didn't feel very heard or very validated in that experience. And maybe things continued to worsen and you went to him at some point and said, something's got to change. And at that point, maybe he got upset and angry and didn't know what to do and he walked away.

And so that didn't go well. And so all these times of you trying to make the relationship better, probably one of two things happened. Either you started to both get really short, sarcastic, and critical of one another. You know, you argued more, got really picky with each other, real critical, looked at each other with contempt some days, or, or you just started being distant, living separately and living like roommates in order to keep the peace in the family.

At the same time, maintain your sanity. And so over time, because these conversations weren't going very well, you gave up and you did what I call the quiet quit, where we give up on the relationship ever evolving, and we don't tell our partner that we've given up, we don't give them that inkling. We just go quiet.

We stop leaning into the relationship. We stop. Investing in the relationship and we just, yeah, we just give up on it. Ever evolving to something that will feel good. We, we try to talk ourselves into, um, this is good enough and there's enough other good qualities, and I need to figure out a way to make this work.

Because here's the interesting thing, when you are fighting for the marriage. You're literally like arguing about the stuff you're, you're debating and you're, you're trying to bring up the things that are keeping the two of you disconnected from each other and not feeling close. You are fighting for the relationship.

You're in the ring. But when you step outside the ring, when you just give up on the relationship ever really evolving, then you get to a place of real indifference. And my friends, the opposite of love isn't hate in intimate relationships. It's indifference, and when you get to a place of indifference, you're at a place of where you're grieving the loss of the relationship when it's still there.

It's sort of like, you know, I think about when my mom had Alzheimer's before she passed. It's like you're grieving the loss of something. Or someone in this case, I was grieving the loss of my mother while she was still physically alive, but she wasn't able to be fully present with me. Right? So this is a similar thing of you're grieving before there's actually a loss, but you're making peace with what is, you are making peace with.

This is all this is ever gonna be, and maybe this is just how life is, and maybe this is just how marriage is, and you talk yourself into it. He's a good guy. I can make this work. I know how to do this. But just because you stuff down your desires and ignore them and pretend that they're not there, it doesn't mean that they go away, right?

At some point they're just there patiently waiting and at some point they get the microphone again. And they start talking to you what you want in your relationship, this connected, loving, maybe passionate, intimate relationship that your heart longs for, and it starts to talk to you again. It starts to just, you know, sort of tap you on the shoulder again, and your heart starts to ache a little bit because what you have feels nothing like that.

And at this point in the grieving process, the anger and frustration you used to feel about your marriage now has just turned into sort of a deep sadness and it makes you feel really empty and disconnected. Sort of numb and disconnected from yourself, right? And, and that's when you start asking like, is this all there is?

Is this how life and marriage is supposed to be? I guess it is. You might, during this time find yourself being drawn to other men, and for sure you're noticing other couples that seem to have the kind of relationship that your heart is longing for. So just because you stuff it down and try to ignore it, the desire doesn't go away.

It's always just sitting there patiently waiting for you to come back. And give it a little bit of love and attention, and eventually in your life the kids grow up and they need you a little bit less and you become a little bit more brave and you just start thinking that, you know what? After years of grieving the marriage, you come to this decision where, for you, the marriage feels complete.

You're so disconnected at this point that you can't. See how you could ever find your way back to one another. And then you work up the courage to tell your spouse that about your decision to end the marriage. And at this point, he's floored. Said he had no idea. It says, you should have told me. And you say, I did tell you.

I told you so many times. Remember, and you might even list it off. And he might say, you should have said it more frequently. You should have made me know, you should have been more forceful. Or in the words of one of my client's husbands, you should have said it louder because he wasn't listening or he couldn't receive it.

And so now he's hurting. He is grieving and he's scared. And for you, even though you know that this is probably the right answer for you in the marriage, it doesn't make it any easier to watch, right? You ca it's hard to watch someone that you care about in a great deal of pain and now your partner's in a great deal of pain and you probably feel guilty because you feel like you're the one that caused the pain by making a decision to end the marriage.

And so now you feel guilty. And now he wants another chance and he says he'll change. And I know it's frustrating. It might even be infuriating because now after all these years of grieving, and you've gotten to the place of where you no longer want to try, now he wants to try now. He wants to do all the things and all these things that he's doing.

It could have made a massive difference five years ago, but today on the other side of a grieving process, you're just not sure you can find your way back because you know this, if you've ever lost someone that you're close to on the other side of losing someone on you love and grieving that loss, you're not the same person.

You can't really put your finger on how you're different, but you are different. And so what I want you to know is he's doing what most human beings do. It's not because he is a jerk, it's because he is doing what most human beings do, which is we don't do what we should do. We do the bare minimum of what we have to do in order to get close to the result that we want.

So. The whole time that you were asking him to go to counseling and trying to repair the marriage, and he, he just wouldn't engage with you in a meaningful way, was because there wasn't this outcome at the end of it, like, if we don't do this, eventually we're going to walk through divorce. It's like we come to this conclusion within ourselves and then we say the divorce word, and now he wants to try and do all the things.

And so human beings, this is what we do, especially in our marriages, is we take each other for granted and we really don't appreciate that person until we have the possibility of not having that person in our lives. And now we really appreciate it and we wish we would've treated them better. And that's what's happening.

Is we don't do what we should do. We only do what we have to do. And so now, because you're ready to walk out the door, now he feels like he has to do these things and it might be too late, but it creates a lot of confusion because now he's doing all these things. He really seems like he's changing, right?

Like maybe he is a little bit gentler. And he is kinder and he is more loving and he is more affectionate with you, and you don't trust it because it's never been there before. It hasn't been there for the last five or 10 years, so you don't trust it. Your body doesn't trust it. So your body is like, don't trust that your head is like, but look, he's changing.

Does that mean I should change my mind? And. Then you start to think, well, what if he actually could change? I mean, then I wouldn't have to blow up my life. I wouldn't have to upset the kids' lives. I wouldn't have to tell the family. I wouldn't have to lose some friendships in the process. I wouldn't have to walk through the pain and turmoil of moving through and navigating divorce.

And your gut says run. This is not gonna last. Your head says, whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast. And so it creates this. Is he on good behavior or is he creating lasting change? Good behavior is I'm gonna do the bare minimum so that I can get to a place of where I feel more secure, and then I'm very likely going to fall back into the same habits.

It might be a month from now, it might be a year or two years from now, but I'm going to just fall back into the same habits. I'm not creating lasting change. Creating lasting change is where you're changing how you show up. And it means that you are changing personally, right? Because you don't just change how you show up overnight.

You change how you show up in your marriage, in your relationships for yourself because you've personally changed. So when you're trying to navigate this distinction between is it good behavior or is it lasting change, there's some very specific things that I want you to look for. I. That will tell you whether he's on the on the track for lasting change, and that will help you determine whether or not you could or should give the relationship another chance.

So first of all, does he understand how you got to this place of potentially ending the relationship? Does he see how you got here? Does he validate your experience or does he sort of off, like does he minimize it? You should have said it louder. You should have said it more frequently. Does he own his role?

The creation of this experience, like I'm not saying he has to take a hundred percent responsibility. It's not a hundred percent his fault. It took two of you to get to this place in your relationship, but is he owning his part? That's one of the most important things is has he owned his part or is he blaming you?

Is he saying like, you should have said it louder kind of thing. Has he offered you a genuine apology? Right. That's another thing to think about. You know, if we come back to this idea of, you know, has he taken responsibility for his role? This is a really important one that I just wanna emphasize, because what you're looking for is growth, his personal growth, and.

The quickest way to determine if someone is growing is are they taking full accountability for their choices, their actions, and their behaviors, and therefore the outcomes of their lives? Or are they rationalizing it? Are they playing the victim? Are they blaming other people or are their circumstances?

Because I don't think you can be in healthy relationship with someone yourself included, by the way. You can't be in healthy relationship if you are not willing to own your adult choices, actions and behaviors. It's part of being an adult. It's just owning your shit, right? So we've gotta own those choices, and that's what you're looking for.

Another thing is that what's his commitment to not fall back into those same old patterns? Is it, just take me at my word. I'm never gonna do that again. That'll never happen again? Or is there some plan? Is there a structured approach? Is there a program that he's joined that is going to help him create new habits?

That's what you're looking for. Is the behavior that you're seeing from him, is it insistent or does it sort of go back and forth between his old behavior and this new behavior as he is getting his sea legs? When he asks for reassurance 'cause he is looking for security because he feels insecure right now, understandably, and you express doubt.

Does he understand why you're expressing doubt? Does he give you that space to be still in a doubtful place even though he really wants you to be all in with him? Or does he just try to push you towards the future? Like W why do we have to keep bringing up the past? Why can't we look at the future? You can tell I'm a changed person.

Right? And then I think the last question to really ask yourself is what he's showing you. Is it enough? Because you know him showing more gentleness and more kindness, maybe him doing more around the house and being a good partner, like when that hasn't been there, I get how you could look at that and go, oh, but this is really nice.

But my friends like some of this stuff. Just being kind to each other. Being a good partner to one another. Sharing the, the workload of the home and the family. Like that's, that's table stakes for a marriage. And so we have to be able to get at is what is the change that he's making? Is it going to be enough?

Now, here's something big for you to begin to think about, because this is another big question, is what is his motivation for trying to make these changes? And this is something that he's probably not going to be able to tell you. So this is where you have to be able to step outside of the experience and be an observer to watch what's really going on, to listen for what's being said and for what's not being said.

And that is, is he making these changes? Because he's in fear? Of course he's in fear, but is he making these changes because he is afraid of losing you the love of his life? This would be the biggest mistake that he'd ever made, or is he afraid of not having the comfortable life that he's created, that you two have created for him?

Is he afraid of navigating divorce? Right? And having to, to walk through all that comes with that, because those are two very different experiences, right? It's one thing to change behavior because he wants to heal the marriage and do right by you. It's another thing to change your behavior because you don't want the alternative, right?

You don't want to have to navigate being alone, splitting your assets, dating again, starting all over again with someone new, living somewhere else, not seeing your kids every day, losing some friendships and having to make new friends, losing family members who have been a part of your life for decades.

I don't want that outcome. I. So I'm going to try to make changes so that I can keep the marriage. That's another reason. Like he, he won't be doing it consciously. That's why he won't be able to tell you that that's the reason he's doing it. He'll say, no, no, no. It's because of you, because he knows that's what you want to hear.

But you have to look for something deeper. And my friends, it is a different thing entirely when you change your behavior because of who you want to be. I. In your life that you wanna feel proud of who you are in your life and how you're showing up. So you're gonna do this work whether it saves your marriage or not.

You know, I'll tell you once in a while, like normally I attract primarily women. But where they have doubts about their marriage and they're struggling with the stay or go decision, but sometimes I attract women where their partner, their husband has come to them and said, said, I want a divorce, and the women will join my program in an effort to make this last ditch effort to see, can I have another chance?

Can I make this right? And here's what I tell them, and this is the truth, is that what you can do? Here's what you can do. You can create change so that you don't continue to create the same dysfunction over and over again. You can change for yourself so that you're proud of how you're showing up in your life and doing all that.

It might bring your marriage back together and it might not because we don't know. About whether or not her husband is able or willing to give her another opportunity. But when you do that, you create a future possibility for yourself that doesn't exist today. Because when you learn how to love and be in intimate relationship in a new way, then you're able to create the kind of lasting, close connected love that you really desire for yourself over the long haul.

So another question to consider and look for is, what's the motivation behind the changes that he's making? Is it fear of losing the marriage or fear of being alone? Or is it fear of making the biggest mistake of his life and losing someone that he loves in the process? Or is it fear of I'm never gonna show up as my best self.

There's gonna be. Potential that goes untapped within me, and I'm unwilling to do that. Like those are three very different motivations for creating change in your life. And I'll tell you, sometimes these last ditch efforts are enough to turn the marriage in a new direction and evolve it to a new place that feels really good for both of you, and it feels really good consistently.

It doesn't mean that the marriage is now perfect and you never face difficulty, but it means that the relationship has become secure enough that when there are upsets, that you're able to move through and navigate those upsets and one person doesn't have a foot out the door the whole time, and sometimes it's gonna feel like too little, too late that all these changes.

That your partner's making would've made a massive difference five years ago, but that now on the other side of that entire grieving process, the distance between the two of you just became too wide to bridge. And if that's the case, here's what I will tell you is it doesn't make you a bad person because you can't turn back and open your heart again and love him the way that he wants to be loved.

It doesn't make him a bad person. It makes both of you human beings. You did the best you could to love one another, and you made some mistakes along the way,

and that's what brought us here. It doesn't mean you're bad people. Until next time, take really good care. If you're listening to this podcast because you're struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you're serious about finding that answer, it's time to book a Truth and Clarity session with a member of my team.

On the call, we'll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there's a fit for you and I to work together. So you can make and execute the right decision for you and your marriage. Go to Clarity for my marriage.com to fill out an application now that's Clarity for my marriage.com.