Episode 156: Ask Sharon: Planning your separation

If you've ever found yourself questioning your relationship, wondering, should I stay or should I go, you're not alone today on the Loving Truth. I'm sharing an exclusive peek inside my membership program. The decision. Which is the only way to get live coaching and support from me. You'll hear real members ask their biggest questions, and I'll be coaching them through the doubts, fears, and complexities of making this life changing decision.

If you've been craving clarity and guidance, this episode is for you.

All right. First question. So, um, my question is regarding trial separations, and there's several of these and there's a theme. Today. Today we're gonna be talking about trial separations and how best to navigate asking for one. I have been stuck in my situation for over two years, feeling very discontent in my marriage, involved with a number three, but unwilling and unable to take steps in either direction.

I neither ending my affair and working hard at reinvesting in my marriage nor leaving my marriage. I feel like I am on a hamster wheel of life with two young kids, work and obligations. I have had many conversations with my husband about being unhappy in our relationship, but asking for a separation will likely come as a shock to him.

I don't feel ready for a permanent separation, but having some time away to test the waters seems like the only palatable option right now. I'm not intending to use the time as a way to see more of my number three. In fact, I don't know if I want to see him at all during that time. I really want to use it as a time to reflect on my marriage and see how it would feel to be alone and splitting time with my kids.

Do you have any recommendations as to how to navigate asking for a trial separation? I'm feeling overwhelmed at the logistics of finding a short-term apartment, communicating with my kids about what's going on. They're three and five. How much time I should ask for, et cetera. I've searched the platform, but haven't found any resources or previous discussions about trial separations.

Okay, so the first place I wanna begin with this question is that you need to not ask for a trial separation. This is not mother may I. This is you making a decision and communicating your decision, because the truth of the matter is if you make this decision, he does not have to agree. So can you sense the different energy between entering a conversation where you're asking for permission versus expressing, I've made a decision, it impacts you and we need to talk about it.

Those are two very different energies. So I wanna flip your idea around that you're asking. So it's just a little mental shift, but it's gonna make a huge difference in how you approach and carry this conversation. So the fact that you said that I've searched the platform and I haven't seen anything, leads me to believe that you are in the decision and not in divorce differently.

Or marriage 2.0, I'm not sure, but you're not in divorce differently. Otherwise, you would've found some things around separation and separation agreements and having the conversation and a lot of the things that I'm talking about right now. So the idea of a trial separation, it's a little bit of a mental construct that you can get comfortable with.

Like, yes, it's a, separation is a legal construct in many states, but not all states. For instance, Texas doesn't recognize separation. But it's also just a way for you to tiptoe into it. But what I will tell you is you are tiptoeing toward more towards divorce than you are tiptoeing more towards working on your marriage.

So that's why I'm saying that I think the divorce differently program would be a more appropriate place for you so that we can support you towards not necessarily divorcing, but. You are moving in that direction. And so I want you to have those tools and trainings and the specific ones are around having the conversation telling the kids.

And then there's also a teaching on the platform called Navigating Divorce with Children. And that's on everyone's platform. That would be a really worthwhile teaching call for you to revisit. 'cause there are two people on there that I worked with in the past that did it beautifully and I basically interviewed them.

So check that out. The other thing I want you to do is put together a plan of what this is going to look like. And I know you said you're overwhelmed and I get it because, you know, uprooting your life, finding a new place to live, telling the kids about this, telling your husband about, like, it's a lot, but you just gotta, whenever I get overwhelmed, I just have to write it all out as if it's a list and I'm like, just one thing at a time.

Just one thing at a time and start moving through those one things at a time and the things that you're going to have to address and it, and the teaching on the separation agreement and the divorce differently platform will help you with this, but the big buckets that you're gonna need to address.

Kids, when are they at the primary house? When are they gonna be at your house? His house, your house, whatever. And in some states, this is where it's good to know what the legalities are in your country or your state. In some states, the way that you have set it up in the separation. It's easy for courts to look at that and go, that seems to be working.

Let's continue what you're doing. So it does have ramifications. So I really want you to think that through, because whatever you set up now might be the way it is forever. So if you don't like how it's set up right now, then you're gonna wanna change that. Um, so make sure it's set up the way that you want it.

So first is, what does the kid's situation look like? The next thing you're gonna wanna look at is money. What are the ground rules around money? Because right now I'm assuming you have shared finances and once you separate and you're living elsewhere, who's paying for what and there's existing bills, and then there's gonna be new bills.

How is that going to be allocated? You need to be very, very clear about that. I would also, and this is in the teaching on the other platform, I would also have a ground rule around something along the lines of neither of us is going to spend more than X without speaking to one another first. For some people that might be $500.

For others it might be 5,000. It's all relative. So whatever that number is, you're, you're gonna need to come to some agreement. Then the other bucket that I think that you should address, and all of this should be written down, and even if it's just a gentleman's agreement between the two of you, like some people go get a separation agreement notarized.

You don't have to, it just depends on your relationship, but it should be written down. You should agree to it. I would sign it. I would leave a spot for him to sign it so that at least at it's a gentleman's agreement kind of thing. But the other bucket is how the two of you will interact. We're gonna get together once every two weeks for dinner so that we can touch base and see how things are going.

Check in on each other, talk about the kids, talk about the house, talk about the logistics, what needs to change, what's working, what's not. You know, something like that. 'cause for sure if you just leave the house and you don't have a plan for coming back together to touch base at any point, you are on the, the very direct path towards divorce.

So it's not really a trial. So. Give all that some thought and put it in writing. And the last thing I wanna say is, by taking this step, you will learn something new. Right? You know, the, the saying, keep doing the same thing. You should get the same result every time. And so you said you've been stuck for a long time, and so making a change in any direction, and this is a pretty big change, even if it's a trial.

You know the label that we put on, it helps us to feel better about it, but you'll learn something new from it. You'll learn it either feels like freedom or you'll learn that you miss him, or it's harder than you thought, that you'll learn something new that will get you closer to clarity. And that in my mind, can't be a bad thing.

Who wants to talk about what she calls an in-house separation? Okay. Uh, let me give you the background. Okay. I would like to know your thoughts on an in-house separation. My husband and I are stuck. We both know we are just roommates. The other day he told me not to feel held back and to find out what our next steps are in separating.

We've talked about staying under the same roof to raise our kids. I'm sure this has been done in other households. My uncle had such an agreement with his ex-wife while they raised my cousins. He even had a girlfriend while living under the same roof as her. Once his kids grew up and moved away, they officially divorced and now have been happily married to his current wife for 20 years.

I don't wanna uproot my kids' lives, and my husband and I are committed to raising them together. We get along with the everyday stuff when it comes to raising our kids, but we certainly don't act like a couple. Do you foresee any major issues with this living arrangement? I'd like to think that one day I can start dating again.

I also know that with a separation, there's going to be a division in finances, et cetera. I was a stay at home mom for several years and have started back working, but don't make enough money to be on my own yet. Please let me know your thoughts. Okay. Here's my thoughts. Um, it can work. Of course it can work.

It's just not gonna work forever. So it's some, it's for some period of time and the more emotionally mature the two of you are in terms of like the way that you interact with each other, the longer it can work, right? So it sounds like your uncle and your aunt were both on the same page and very clear that, hey, we don't wanna, we don't want our kids to have to move between houses, so we're gonna do it this way and we're gonna make those accommodations.

And they were both clear about that, and it sounds like it worked out fine for them. So if. That is the way that you and your spouse interact. Then it can work, and you can do this for some period of time, not forever, but you can do it for some period of time. The dating thing gets a little tricky. Now it's, of course there's gonna have to be conversations, and of course there's gonna have to be ground rules and things like that so that you two can be respectful of one another during this.

But it's not impossible. Most can't do it. So I, I say it can work. Most cannot, and that's because one person is super hurt and super upset, and like the living with their partner who has hurt them so badly is not something that is healthy for them to face day in and day out. They're not gonna be able to move on.

Also, if I'm hurt or I'm upset, or I'm angry about this decision, like that's not gonna be a functional. Way to live for years and then saying you're doing it for the kids. All right. So it really just depends on the couple. Can it work? Yes, of course. It just depends on the couple and it depends on the circumstances and the feelings and all that kind of stuff.

But it sounds like you might be able to do it, so you might as well try. The thing that I wanted to say is that you're gonna need to be, um, really clear about boundaries and ground rules. So that you can be respectful of one another. Doing as much of that in advance means you don't deal with it in the moment, like someone gets twisted up because you said you were gonna be there to make sure that the kids had what they needed every Tuesday and Thursday, and then you had a work trip and now he's gotta accommodate his schedule or something like that.

So the more you can talk about this stuff in advance, the more you're gonna sort of fend off any eruptions or any upsets that might take place. Okay. Also, I would be clear about what you're gonna tell the kids, right? Because it's a very different thing for you two. We're staying together. We're gonna pretend for the next, I don't know how old your kids are, but 10 years that we're married for the kids' benefit.

And then once they leave the house, then we're gonna tell 'em the truth. We're gonna lie to them for the next 10. Like I'm just not a fan of that. You can do what you want. They're your children. This is your family. I would say tell them that this is what you're doing and why you're doing it, so that they don't grow up thinking this is what marriage looks like.

'cause they will recreate what they experience. We all do it even subconsciously in many, many ways. We all do it. Whatever we see as our normal, that's what feels familiar to us. And so that's what we recreate in our lives. So will it be upsetting? Yes. That mom and dad aren't together but. Will they be less upset of you two doing an in-house?

Yes, of course. Of course they'll, because it doesn't have as great of an impact on them as it would if you live separately. Okay?

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