Episode 162: Ask Sharon: Communication Comfort Zone

Today on The Loving Truth, I'm giving you a behind the scenes look at my signature program, the decision, which is the only place where I offer direct coaching. You'll hear real questions from members navigating the uncertainty of their relationship. Along with my coaching and insights to help them move toward clarity.

If you've ever felt stuck, unsure whether to stay or go, these conversations may give you the answers you've been searching for. Let's dive in. So this was a post in the decision. Alright, so this is a little bit of a long one. I'm gonna read it though because I just. She poured a lot of her heart out, and I just think it should see the light of day.

So here we go. I need help tonight. My husband was on the phone crying, saying he can't take this much longer. The ball's in my court. You have put me in an awful, horrible position. My question is, what if your husband doesn't comfort you? This is a big thing for me, and I feel like I need that. Recognizing, using that need word means that I'm screwed.

We have come a long way from three years of husband's depression and four years of him working his way back from being a workaholic. The last two years he's been really trying to save our marriage, trying to engage in conversation with me and pay attention when I may talk, trying to give like a sentence reply because that is really an effort for him unless we talk about his work where he lights up and talks and talks.

Trying to be affectionate even though he never has been knowing I'm in an uncertain place, trying to be empathetic. I'm working on things, communicating. I have got to a place I could forgive a lot of things from his depression years. I do have more of a respect for him with his work and how he has tried and how he can now stay calm in uncomfortable conversations.

The big thing that came up tonight is that I don't feel comforted by him. I never really have, but as I get older, have little health scares that trigger my anxiety. I feel I want that in a partner. I feel like I am being comforted by a robot. She is upset. Put hand on her thigh. Say you understand. I wonder whether it's Asperger's.

My friend has a, a husband, similar. She went to a psychologist. She said hardly anything about her husband, but the psychologist said, does he do this, this, and this? And she said, describes him to a T. Okay, so we're using a therapist who's never met a husband, communicated through a woman to you and now to your husband.

So let's just not, we're not gonna go there. Also, he would not. Ever learn empathy or comforting or holding a space because his mother and family are the most unemotional, pragmatic people I know. His mother told me not to hold my four day old baby so much you don't wanna get him used to that being held, that explained a lot.

Also, I have been motherless. I realize as I have grown older and become a mom. My mom is completely not present. Or in any way emotionally available or supportive? Quite the opposite, saying stabbing, hurtful things through my life that I now realize mothers just would never say to their daughter. My mom and sister basically are toxic to me, which my husband has played a huge role in helping me see and step away from and set boundaries for myself.

So I don't have any family support. I don't get to see my girlfriends hardly at all, maybe once a year. And when I do, I don't want to be the woe is me anyway. It's been years I've been struggling with this. My husband says he thinks he is comforting and empathetic, but I'm shut off and he can't win. I feel like I would be open in a second if someone comforted me in a way that resonated.

I think I would melt in their arms. Actually. I know some guys are capable of it. I dated two in my twenties, one who came to the airport and gave me a letter to read on the plane. When I moved to London, it was pages long and so lovely. The other who would drive across, I think this is Melbourne, to see me if I was having an anxiety attack and sit and hold my hand until I felt better.

I just wasn't attracted to them enough back then, even though I really wished I was. But now I'm older. I think maybe I would value this quality more in a person. I recently caught up with one of those guys after 15 years. He came and met up with my family when we were caravan up north where he now lives.

He is happily married. We got a few moments to chat by ourselves. He sent me a message that night, all respectful, but his few sentences made me feel seen and the tears flowed down my cheeks. I'm feeling like I just want a guy like that in my life. I just don't think my husband is deep enough, even though his intention is there.

For instance, once I had an anxiety attack, um, I have learned to manage it on my own as a single person, so she was having an anxiety attack in the bath. My husband came and stared blank. I didn't know what to say. Then said, shall I put the sausages on? Is this just not a male trait? Should I give him instructions on how I like to be comforted?

He'll do it, but it will feel like robotic to me. Am I just thinking the grass will be greener with someone else? Am I wanting a girlfriend or a mother? Where do we get this comforting from? I've been on my own my whole life. I'm not afraid to be on my own and look after myself like I have done. I've been picking myself up, holding my chin up, shining my light, following my passions, achieving my dreams, doing self-development, holding myself together, my whole life that I'm exhausted with motherhood and still alone holding myself up emotionally, soldiering on as I do when I really feel like just falling to my knees.

Am I screwed? Should I just not need anything and just appreciate things, keep working through this program and make the best new something. I can't picture right now, the 2.0 version with my husband. Okay. Again, there's a lot. This is the distinction between being able to be coached and work through a lot of that and doing a Q and a.

Right? So I'm gonna do my best with this. But there's a lot of Qs, so that means a lot of ace. So, um, there's a couple things I wanna point out. So the whole idea of comfort. So the first thing I wanna say, because, so the, the, the sentence that made me write this, you said my big thing that came up tonight is that I don't feel comforted by him.

This is gonna be a truth bomb somewhere, I'm sure. Are you looking for reasons to leave or are you looking for reasons to love my darling? Because it's like, right, like you had just gone through, like, I've forgiven a lot of things and we've, I can respect him in new ways and he is helped me set boundaries with toxic family members.

And like we've, we've come through a lot, we've done all these good things, but what came to me tonight was this. So it is a matter of, what am I looking for? Am I looking for reasons to love or am I looking for reasons to be unhappy or to leave? And so I'll just leave that there for you to answer knowing that we all do it imperfectly.

Okay? And when it comes to comfort, first of all, so let's talk about how you got here. It's not gonna take a rocket scientist to figure this out. Everything that you shared about your mom, like mom means nurturing. Like that is where we go, like. I remember I was like probably late twenties, and I got super sick.

I was single, living by myself, got super sick. What'd I do? I called my mom, right? Like, it doesn't matter how old you are, like when you're sick, when you feel bad, when you're hurting, you go to mom because mom is nurturing. You didn't have that, and that's, I'm sorry, because outlet. How we get to these places in our lives.

If we grow up in a household where there's no nurturing, there's no coddling, suck it up buttercup, like we're going to come into a marriage. Our most intimate relationship with someone who cannot be that for us. We follow the patterns of our lives in the same way that you don't grow up in France and then go to kindergarten speaking Portuguese, you go to kindergarten speaking French.

Like we, we, we take on what we are surrounded by. And so you took on that. That's how life is. And so when someone comes along that is not going to be nurturing. That just feels like home. You are like, oh yeah, I know. Like your subconscious. It's like, I know how to do this. This is, yeah, this is how it's supposed to be.

This feels absolutely natural to me. Now you're aware enough of your situation now where you can go, absolutely. This is not natural and it's simple bullshit. Like, so you're outside of that, but you've married someone who, who may not be able to do that for you, but we don't know. Because you have some idea of when you want to be comforted and how you want to be comforted, but it does not sound like you have ever expressed that.

Or when you have, then you view it through the lens of robotic because it's gonna be uncomfortable for him to do that until it becomes comfortable. When you sit down at the piano for the first time, it doesn't sound like music. It's pretty uncomfortable when you try to speak French and it's not your native language, it's not comfortable.

It feels hard. So we've gotta give him a little bit of grace because you have some ideas around when and how that needs to look, and he can't read your mind, and it's not innate for him. Like, where's the class on? Loving and comforting. Where's that class? Did he get an A? Was he even invited to the class?

So we cannot expect our partners, anyone to be able to read our minds. We've gotta be able to tell them what we need, and ideally, it's not from a place of, here's what I need you to do, because they won't hear you very well. If you ultimately just want your need met, then let's, let's communicate it in a way that will help them to hear it.

Receive it so that then you can get that name met. So for instance, the times I felt closest to you is when, I don't know, maybe it's like I had that panic attack or I lost that family member, or I, whatever it was. There was some, like, ideally you can point to a situation where when this happened and you did that, that made me feel really close to you.

What that does is it, it's not a criticism. It's actually like you're building them up and you're saying like, look at what you did that one time that that meant something to me. Even if I didn't tell you at the time how important it was to me. So when I'm struggling or when I'm in an anxiety attack, here's what I most need you to do.

And it might just be, I need you to hold me. I need your strength in those moments, because the reason I have anxiety is because I am trying to be so strong all the time and sometimes even though I can. I just wanna be able to soften and I need someone to be able to soften into. But in order for me to soften into you, I need to know that you have me.

They're gonna re, he's gonna receive that very differently than I just need to be comforted. Can't you just comfort me? Like, come on, not like that. Do it this way.

It's very different. There was a thing I used to say about love languages. You know, sometimes when people will, they'll, they'll give you their, like how they express love to you. So he thinks he is empathetic and compassionate and comforting and all that, but we're like, no, not like that. It's not good enough.

Needs to be different, whatever. Look, we can't ask for more until we actually receive what is being offered. Like you can receive what is being offered and go thank you. Realizing that's their way of expressing love to the fullest extent that they can in that moment with whatever tools they have. Thank you.

You know what I really need right now? I need to, I need you to hold me for 30 minutes and I need a ball, like a little baby, whatever it is. Or I need, I need time alone in the bathtub and I need you to take the kids and just know that I don't. I don't have to worry about anything like express what it is that you need and even if it feels uncomfortable, because this is not something that is, that he does day in and day out because like the whole, when it comes to comforting and empathy and emotions, ladies, this is our spot.

This is our sweet spot. We got it. We do it innately, but then we look to our men to also know about this. Innately, they never got this. Like not only some of the like hormonal response, they don't have that. They also like it was never even encouraged the first sign of nurturing, like let's say a man our age, I'll just include me in all your ages, even though most of your, probably I'll just put myself in your age bracket.

Men, our ages when they were little boys and let's say they were carrying a dolly and they were like nurturing the dolly. What do you think someone might have said to them? Of course, someone would be like, why the hell is he carrying a doll? Put that shit down. Give that boy a truck, give him a gun. Right?

So I get that. We want our men to be like our girlfriend. So when you say like, do I just want them to be like, do I want him to be like my girlfriend? Yes. Do I want 'em to be a mother? Yes. And he kinda is your mother in personality type and capabilities and stuff like that, but it sounds like he's trying and it sounds like you know.

There's probably, if I had to guess, there's probably a lot of women who'd be like, shit, I wish my husband would try for two years. Like really give it a go and overcome habitual patterns that weren't helpful to our marriage. Like he's done those things. So yeah, you gotta communicate. Um, and I think you genuinely want and need to soften.

This is the strong woman's curse is we do it all and we can do it all. And we're not afraid to do it all. Damnit. Sometimes we need support and when we need it, like we really need it. So I've had to express that in my life. You may have to express that in your life is, look, I don't need it every day. I don't need it day in and day out, but when I need it, when I call upon it, like I'm not playing.

I need you to be strong when I'm not. And men will step into that. But when you're like, why can't you just love me the way I want you to love me? They can't step into that because then that's, that's criticism and nagging and I'm not doing it right. I can't win, so why even bother playing the game? Okay, one more thing.

Let's say he gives it like you express it, he does it. He does it over and over again and it starts to feel a little more comfortable. It's still okay that you have someone else to go to for comfort. So I did a whole teaching on the board of directors. I feel like it was a one of the coffee and cocktails conversation that everyone should have.

A board of directors. This is who I go to when I wanna be challenged. This is who I want to, this is who I go to when I wanna be comforted. This is who I go to when I want someone to tell me the truth. This is who I go to when I just need someone to hear me. I just need to talk and I need to get it out, and I need some poor babies.

Like, have that board of directors and know who in your orbit can give you those things. And if you have an open spot, first of all, we are glad to be that open spot for you, but put it on in the universe and be like, you know what? This is an open position in my board of directors right now that I need someone who's gonna tell me the truth all the time.

Not in a harsh way, just in a way that I can receive it. And you put it out there. And I promise you, inside of six months, someone will present themselves and you're like, there you are welcome. You're now on my board of directors. And they'll look at you like you have three heads, but. It's fine. So go back and watch that.

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