Episode 101: Guilt & Co-Dependency

Welcome to the Loving Truth podcast, where it's all about finding clarity, confidence, and peace in the face of marriage challenges. And now, your host, relationship expert and certified master life coach, Sharon Pope. Hello, loves. This is Sharon Pope, and this is the Loving Truth. Today we're going to be talking about guilt and codependency, because I actually think you can't talk about guilt without also talking about codependency. Now, guilt has been getting a lot of engagement inside my membership group.

There's a lot of people who are feeling really guilty about how they're thinking and how they're feeling and the choices that they're making. And I always think if it's getting this much engagement inside of my membership group, the decision, then there's probably a whole host of people outside the group, probably tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of people that are also struggling with a similar situation.

So one of the women in my group had said something along the lines of, the thought of ending my marriage is absolutely paralyzing to me because I think about how much hurt and pain I'm going to cause with this decision. So, first of all, let's just address that. The marriage got to this place from the two of you. You're just the one that is saying, this no longer works for me.

The place where we have gotten to is not sustainable for me. Okay, so let's talk about guilt for a second, because if there is one emotion that will keep people stuck, it's guilt. It will keep you stuck from ever making a decision, and it will keep you stuck from moving through a decision, particularly if that decision is something like divorce, which obviously is going to have broader impacts to other people's lives and not just your own life.

So I want to talk about guilt. I used to think about the emotion of guilt as though it was the most useless emotion we could have, because guilt is all about the past and what we cannot change. But I have gotten a little bit of a deeper understanding of how guilt actually serves us. And the first thing I want you to know is that guilt to me, says, you know what?

This is a good thing. There is a healthy amount of guilt. There's also an unhealthy amount of guilt, by the way. But it means you're a good person. It means you're an empathetic person. It means you're not out here on this planet, in this world, in this life, trying to intentionally cause harm to other people. And so that healthy amount of guilt of when I'm going to make a decision or do something that is going to cause harm to someone else.

I'm going to pump the brakes and really think about that before I pull the trigger. That, to me, tells me you're awake, you're aware, you're paying attention. You're not just narcissistic, thinking only about yourself. So I think that there is a healthy place for guilt. Now, my other understanding of guilt today that I didn't have probably 10 years ago or 20 years ago, was that it also helps you maintain your own self image, how you think about yourself.

And I mean that sincerely, because how you think about yourself really matters, right? If you think you're a horrible person, then you're not going to think you're deserving of love or respect. But if you think you're a good person and you're trying to be a good person in this world, then guilt can play a role in that. It can sort of help support how you see yourself. So guilt in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is an emotion that will keep you stuck if you're not paying close attention to it or if it swings too far in the other direction.

Like, I feel so much guilt that now I'm paralyzed. Because the other side of that equation, my friends, is the topic of codependency, of where I am going to take on responsibility for everybody else's feelings. How they feel as they move through their lives is my responsibility. That's how we operate a lot of times, especially in our intimate relationships. So I want to talk about that. Let's dive into it.

First of all, where did this come from? When we were young, when we did all the things that the big people in our lives approved of or thought was good, they would focus on us. They would point their love and attention, their gaze, their approval on us. And it felt like standing in the sun. And then when we would do something that they didn't approve of or that wasn't very good, that sunshine was sort of taken away and it was pointed somewhere else.

And so we felt that. We felt the absence standing in the sun. We felt the absence of their love and approval. And so we learn that if I will just do all the things that everyone else wants me to do, then I'll be loved. So we learn this at such a young age. And this is how we come into this place of feeling. Like, okay, if I just make every decision that pleases everyone else, then.

Then I'll be loved, then I'll be loveable, Right? It's like it is our deepest Fear. Every human being's deepest fear, whether you're aware of it or not, is that you won't be loved or that you're not lovable. So if we do what others want us to do, then they won't take that love away from us. The problem is that when we do that consistently, then we have to consistently abandon and betray ourselves in the spirit of or for the benefit of the everybody else's.

Our kids, our husband, our families, our friends, everybody else. And eventually that wears on us and we can tend to get a little resentful. So here's the reality is that you can have a healthy amount of guilt, but when you take it too far, it goes into codependency. Because it's like saying, I'm going to take responsibility for all of your feelings. Which, by the way, then tells your partner that they don't have to take responsibility for their feelings.

Now, I think if I asked anyone on the planet, do you want to be married to or do you want to be in an intimate relationship with someone who can manage their lives as a mature adult, I would think 100% of the time I would get a yes answer. But part of being in relationship as a mature adult means I'm going to take accountability and responsibility for my choices, my actions, and my behaviors.

So, my friends, if you want your partner to show up as a mature adult where they are taking responsibility for their actions, their choices, and their behaviors, then you got to stop picking it up and say, no, no, no, you don't need to worry about that. I'll take care of that for you. I'll take care of your feelings for you so that you don't have to manage them.

I'll manage them on your behalf. That's where we have now swung into codependency. So you're making choices. This is an important piece. You're making choices and essentially living someone else's life for them so that they will get to feel how they want to feel in their life, or at least how you think they want to feel. So think about that for a second. You're making choices for someone else because you think they don't want to hurt, and obviously no one wants to hurt.

But let me offer this. You are overseeing their life without their knowing, without their awareness, without their acknowledgement, and frankly, without their permission. So you're making choices for them that may or may not actually serve them, and it may or may not actually be what they want. You think you know what they want. Let me give you an example. If you've ever said these words like, well, I love my husband, but I'm not in love with him, or I'm not sure if I want to remain in my marriage, or I'm not sure if I ever want to have sex again with my husband or my wife, whatever.

So here's what I want you to know, and this is from the heart. If my husband was not sure that he wanted to remain in our marriage, that would hurt, but I would want to know it. If my husband never wanted to have sex with me again or didn't find me attractive, like, that would be a punch to the gut, but I would want to know. If my husband had one foot out the door, wasn't sure he wanted to remain in the marriage, or he said, well, I care about you, but I don't love you, or I'm not in love with you, or let's say he never said that, but he felt that way.

My friends, that would hurt. And I would want to know. I would want to know those things first of all, because I think I deserve to know those things. I deserve to know how my partner really feels about me. And because I would prefer a truth that is painful than the alternative of living my whole life as a lie. Thinking my husband loved me deeply, wanted to be with me, wanted to be intimate with me.

I would have this whole idea of what our marriage was, and I would live out the rest of my days in that delusion, in that lie. Because my husband never wanted to hurt my feelings or didn't want to tell me the truth. I don't want to live a life that is a lie. I would rather you tell me the truth no matter how much it hurts. So if someone was making decisions about my life for me without my awareness, like, oh, I'm just not going to tell her that because that will hurt her too badly.

Like, I can recover from hurt. We can recover from hurt. We do it all the time, folks. People hurt us all the time and it sucks, but we do recover from it. I would rather go through that pain and know the truth than live my entire life as a lie. So the place where we're coming from of trying to protect the everybody's in our lives, whether it's our spouse or our kids or whatever, we're trying to protect everybody else and making choices that we think they would want us to make so that they never get uncomfortable or they never feel any pain.

But this avoidance of pain is what leads to living a lie. Now, the other thing is it leads to Codependency. So I had someone in the group mention to me, they said, well, wait a minute, wait a minute. I have a question. Because if we're responsible for our own feelings and we don't rely on the other person, we don't rely on our partner to manage our feelings for us, aren't we just becoming more disconnected?

No, I think we're becoming less codependent because there is a distinction. Like, you know how I always say health resides in the middle. It's not on these opposite extremes of, I feel so much guilt, I'm paralyzed, or I should live my life as a martyr and do what everyone else wants me to do all the time, even if it means I abandon and betray myself. Those are the extremes.

And health never resides in the extreme. So instead, you can have a healthy amount of guilt, a healthy amount of awareness that this decision that I make, it might cause change, harm, pain, hurt to someone else, but the alternative is that I lie to you for the rest of your life. Right? So it's. We don't have to take responsibility for other people's feelings, but we don't have to discard other people's feelings and say, it doesn't matter.

It's like weighing that balance. And that's where the how we do it is really important. Because if you've ever been in a situation that you didn't want to be in, like, let's say you were getting fired from your job, there's a huge difference between your boss coming to you and saying you've never contributed. Everything you've done for this company has been wrong and has taken us backwards, not forwards.

It was a mistake for me to even hire you in the first place. That's a huge difference than I'm not. We're not going to be able to continue this arrangement because sales are down and we have to let go of 10% of our workforce. And because you're so very good at what you do, you are also one of our more expensive employees. And so, sadly, that's why you were chosen.

Like, those are two very different approaches to a very challenging situation. So this is why I say the how becomes important. It becomes just as, if not more important than the ultimate decision. So you can be gentle and you can be respectful, and you can give someone dignity and still tell them a painful truth versus, you know, just organizing your life to make sure that no one else ever feels uncomfortable in their lives.

And I go back to, you're just the one making a decision. But it took two of you to get the relationship to this place where one of you said, hey, this doesn't work for me anymore. And that could be that you didn't speak up and you didn't really express how you were feeling when things got really difficult. Or it could be. And. Or it could be that your partner didn't really hear you because they didn't want to hear you, because they didn't want to make any changes.

The change is hard. They just want you to go back to being fine with fine. Right. So this is the dance that we do. Okay, so do our choices and do our decisions impact other people? Yes, of course they do. And they influence other people, and they can create feelings and emotions based upon how that person views the situation. But does that mean then that we should live a life that's a lie so that others never feel discomfort or pain?

No. Health resides in the middle, and that's where the how becomes important. All right. I hope that gives you something to think about, especially if you've really been struggling with some deep guilt about a choice that you might be making that you know might cause pain to someone else. There's some health there. A healthy amount of guilt is productive, but an unhealthy amount of guilt becomes codependency. And it means you abandon and betray yourself for the rest of your days.

And that's never a good idea. All right, until next time, please take really good care. If you're listening to this podcast because you're struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you're serious about finding that answer, it's time to book a truth and clarity session with a member of my team on the call. We'll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there's a fit for you and I to work together so you can make and execute the right decision for you and your marriage.

Go to clarityformymarriage.com to fill out an application. Now that's clarityformymarriage. Com