Episode 89: Having Difficult Conversations

Welcome to the Loving Truth podcast, where it's all about finding clarity, confidence, and peace in the face of marriage challenges. And now, your host, relationship expert and certified master life coach, Sharon Pope. Hello, loves. This is Sharon Pope, and this is the loving truth. I want to talk to you today about having difficult conversations because this is such an important topic, because it's going to show up inside of our relationships and we're not really prepared for it.

I know often, as women, we will avoid conflict. We like to feel that connection between ourselves and another human being. And so when that connection breaks, it can feel very uncomfortable. It can feel like something's gone terribly wrong. And sometimes we can go into fight, flight, or freeze. But difficult conversations are a part of navigating life alongside other human beings, particularly in our most intimate relationships. And so I want to just point out what most of us do.

And it comes from a place of fear. It's not. Well, it comes from a place of fear and a place of not ever really being equipped to do it well. And so what do we often do when we need to express something that feels really challenging to our partners? A lot of times we blame our partners. You made me feel this way when you did that. We might try to use shame.

We might criticize them, or if we're a little bit passive aggressive, we might poke fun. We might use sarcasm, which there's always an element of truth inside of all of our sarcastic remarks. But all of this is just an effort to get our partner to change, right? We want them to do something differently. We want them to do something they're not doing, or we want them to stop doing something that they are doing.

We want them to change their behavior so that we can feel the way we want to feel. Okay, I want to feel comfortable, or I want to feel loved, or I want to feel cherished, or I want to feel adored. It's all for a feeling. And we want them to create that feeling within us. Now, that is the first point of breakdown inside of our relationships, of I need you to take responsibility for how I feel, because I'm not going to take responsibility for it.

But that's a whole different podcast for another day. So if that worked, using shame and blame and criticism or sarcasm to get our partners to change so that our marriages could feel better, I'd tell you to do it. I for sure would. It just doesn't work. No one wants to be shamed in order to do something different. They don't want to feel bad about themselves. Frankly, they can't feel bad about themselves and then create that change that they might even want secretly in their lives.

Right? You're never going to strengthen your marriage if you're trying to do it by weakening your partner or debilitating your partner or diminishing them in some way. And that's why criticism and shame and blame is never well received. Right? All they do is they get defensive and then they have to armor up, and then they have to defend why they did what they did. Right? And then they can't hear you.

You feel unheard and misunderstood. Nothing ever gets resolved. The two of you never grow. Resentments mount and disconnection becomes inevitable. Right? All because we don't know how to have these difficult conversations. And so, and the way we go into it is because we think the shaming or blaming will create change. And let's be honest, there's been research that has shown that shame and blame will get a woman to change.

If someone shames me enough, I'll think about not doing that thing again. I will. But it doesn't typically work for men. And so this is why many times women will resort to those behaviors, not because they're meant or, I don't know, that they're trying to be hateful. They're just reaching for the tools that they have in their toolbox. And if shame and blame works to get them to change, they might use shame and blame in their marriage to try to get their partner to change.

And it's just not working. Right. And so I think you can understand from the premise of we are only going to be strong together or we're going to be weak together. So if I am diminishing my partner in some way, there's no way for us to be strong together. My ego might like it, right. Because I'll get to be right and I like to be right, don't we?

All right. That's why we reach for trying to get them to see our perspective and trying to get them to change because we genuinely think that they are wrong and that we are right. And that's a non starter for having productive, difficult conversations. So first, let's talk about why do we avoid having difficult conversations in the first place? Well, because they're difficult, right? They're not fun. They're certainly challenging.

And it feels easier to not have the difficult conversation. Right. It feels easier to just overlook it, to tell ourselves that that's just how it is. It'll blow over in a few days. He's never going to change. We convince ourselves it's not a big deal. You know, lots of relationships deal with these kinds of things. So then we get into pretend mode. We pretend that something doesn't bother us, even though it does.

And here's the problem, and this is where it starts to go downhill, is that in that pretending, in order to keep the peace, we carry the hurt, whatever it was that that caused us some pain, we carry that. And then because it goes unexpressed, all the things, all the hurts and pains that go unexpressed, they just turn into resentments. Think of it like a cancer that just sort of evolves.

Those unexpressed feelings turn into resentments. And the more resentments we carry, the more disconnection happens between the couple, because now I'm starting to not trust you. And if I don't trust you, I'm not leaning in. And the less I'm leaning in, the more disconnected we become. And it happens so slowly over time that we don't even really notice that it's happening. So inside my program, the decision there is a private group where people can come for community, where they can come to share what's on their hearts and minds.

And then, of course, the coaches, myself included, are in there helping them navigate the difficulties that they're experiencing inside their marriages and or divorce. And, you know, many times, people will really share their hearts in there, right? Sometimes because they're able to be their full selves. Sometimes they're anonymous, sometimes they're posting as themselves. It doesn't matter, whatever they're comfortable with. But I wanted to give a safe place for them to be fully themselves and to express everything that's on their heart and mind without any fear of judgment or, you know, criticism or anything like that.

And so people do that. And it really is a beautiful gift to me. It helps me to really see what's going on. It helps me to really see their heart and to see the person behind the pain. And so they will lay it all out there. They'll lay out what has happened and how they're feeling, and sometimes it's how helpless they're feeling. And there are times that I stop and I wonder what would happen or what would shift inside their relationship.

If their partner read this now, if their partner read this with an open heart and an open mind, what would shift for them? Because I promise you, most of our partners, they have no idea how much you're hurting. They have no idea. And so what if they really knew? And that's what I mean by having the difficult conversations is saying what's real sharing what you really feel. So let's talk about that for a second.

There are three parts to communication. And this is one of the reasons why communication is so difficult. Particularly inside of our intimate relationships. Because there are many points that it can break down. So, the three parts of communication, there's, first, what we really mean, what's really on our hearts. The second place of communication, and frankly, the first point of breakdown is that we don't often say what we really mean and what we're really feeling.

The first place is what we really mean. The second part of communication is what we actually say. We don't often say what it is we really mean. And the reason for that is because of the ego, right? The ego wants to protect us and wants us to be right. Wants us to feel right. And so we will often not express what's really on our hearts. And then the third piece and the next point of breakdown is what the other person hears and what they make it mean.

Right. And that's something that we have no control over. So when I said that, we don't often say what we mean. Here's what I mean. Instead of saying, I'm really scared, darling, you know, I don't know how to bridge the disconnection that I feel between you and I. And I'm not even sure how we got here. And I'm a little bit scared that what I want in this marriage.

That maybe I'm asking too much. We don't say that. Instead, what we say is, you know, I'm unhappy. Which implies you should do something to make me happy. Right? That's the ego talking. So we don't say what's really on our hearts. We don't talk about the fear. We talk about how you should be different. So I get to feel better. Then we wonder why we never navigate the difficulties in our marriage and we never come out stronger the other side of those difficult conversations and it turns into a big argument.

It's because we are not saying what we really mean. We're not clear, maybe, about what we really mean. Or we're just protecting our hearts and ourselves and our ego by saying things like, when you did that, it made me feel hurt and confused and unappreciated or whatever. Right. It's all about the other person and their experience. And we're not sharing our hearts. We're not sharing what's going on within us.

We don't share, I don't know where we're going to be in a few years if we don't do something different right now, because while we're keeping things together by a thread, this is not sustainable for a lifetime. So eventually we're going to have to approach this relationship differently if we are going to last. Right? But we don't say that. We don't send up that red flag to say, this is not.

I refuse, I'm not willing. How about this? I'm not willing to keep living like this for a lifetime. It's challenging right now, and I get that, like, not every relationship is going to have, like, it's not all the mountaintop experience, right? We're going to have challenges, and I accept that. But when we remain in the challenge for years or decades, that's what I'm not willing to do. We don't say that.

We're so afraid to say what's real and what's true and what's honest. How about this? I miss us. I miss you. We used to be so good together and now I feel like we're just strangers living in the same household. Right? Think about your partner's reaction to hearing something like that. I miss us. I miss you. We used to be so good. Now I feel disconnected. I'm not sure how to fix it.

But I want you to know that I want to try and I'm going to do everything I can. That is going to be met with a very different response. It's going to be met with some compassion. It's going to invite them to be honest and vulnerable versus. I feel hopeless in this marriage. I'm not happy. I don't know what to do. Right. I'm not in any kind of the solution.

I'm not opening my heart. I'm not being vulnerable. So it doesn't invite them to be vulnerable. Right. So this is what I mean by having the difficult conversations of, first of all, get really, really clear about what it is that you really feel. If you could let them know one thing, what would it be? Forget you having to speak the words. If you were writing it down in a journal that you know no one would ever find, what would you say?

Right. If you were in my community and you were able to really share what's on your heart and mind, what would you tell me about what's going on in your marriage and how you're feeling? Cause I bet you'd be really honest. I want you to get clear first about how you really feel and what's really on your heart. And then ask yourself, am I willing to say that?

Am I willing to express that? Or am I gonna armor up, feed the ego, protect myself and say something that's not quite what's on my heart. He should be able to read between the lines. He should be able to understand that when I say I'm not happy, what I really mean is I miss him. No, my friends, no. That's not how it works. We've got to make what we mean and what we say.

We've got to get that much closer if we're going to have open, honest, loving and, yes, difficult conversations. All right? I hope that that gives you some direction and some guidance, because we're all going to have to have difficult conversations. And the closer that our starting point is to what's really on our hearts, the more vulnerable we're going to be, the more open we're going to be, the more honest we're going to be, and I suspect the better reaction we're going to get and the more productive the conversation will be.

All right, until next time, take good care. If you're listening to this podcast, because you're struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you're serious about finding that answer, it's time to book a truth and clarity session with a member of my team. On the call, we'll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there's a fit for you and I to work together so you can make and execute the right decision for you and your marriage.

Go to clarityformymarriage.com to fill out an application. Now that's clarityformymarriage.com.