Episode 109: Love at Last: A Conversation with Sandy Weiner

Welcome to the Loving Truth podcast, where it's all about finding clarity, confidence, and peace in the face of marriage challenges. And now your host, relationship expert and certified master life coach, Sharon Pope. Hello, loves. This is Sharon Pope, and this is the Loving Truth. So today we're going to be talking about finding love later in life. Now, I know most of you are still married and just trying to figure out, can I find love in my current relationship?

However, whenever I ask women about what their deepest fears are if they decide to move on from their marriage and, you know, try again, the deepest fear is the trying again part. It always comes up in conversation. And it's daunting enough that women will stay in unhappy and unhealthy relationships far longer than they should because they're afraid that they might be alone forever. So to give us a little bit of hope today, a mighty dose of hope, I have invited Sandy Weiner onto our podcast.

So let me introduce Sandy to all of you. Sandy is the chief love Officer At Last First Date. She's an internationally known TEDx speaker, dating and relationship coach, author, and podcast host. Her approach to coaching is holistic, encompassing a hybrid of life coaching, neuro, linguistic programming, and nonviolent communication. She's got three books, Becoming a Woman of Value, Choice Points in Dating, and Love at Last. She's also the host of two popular podcasts, Last First Date Radio and the Woman of Value Podcast.

And she believes it's never too late to have the life and love you want. Sandy, welcome. I'm so happy to be here, Sharon. Thanks for having me. I am thrilled to have you. And I think we're gonna really going to give people a treat today. So let's just begin with what are some challenges that you see women having in terms of finding love, especially later in life? What do you see?

Well, I think when there's good and there's bad, right, There's. There's challenges, and there's also a lot of advantages. So let's get to the challenges first. Okay, let's go. And I can speak from my own experience because I was a woman who was turning 50 when I got divorced, and I knew a lot of people who didn't leave their marriages because they were afraid they'd never find somebody.

And so stay with the poison, you know, instead of going out there into the unknown. But I left my marriage to save myself. I didn't really care if I found another man. I just needed to get out of this marriage. And it wasn't horrible. It was just stopping me from Being my full self. So a lot of times when we get out of an unhealthy relationship, we have to spend some time finding who we are, reclaiming the parts of who we are.

And the more we do that, the more confidence we have. So I think a lot of people get out there and date and think nobody will want me. This is an older body. How can I date and get naked again? Oh my God. The thought of getting naked again. Yeah, oh my God. And I was still dating with the mindset of my 20 year old self of I hope they pick me.

I, I'm not worthy. And I would spend way too long trying to get to know people and, and making up stories about who they were. So there's a lot of beliefs that we have to look at when we get out there and date again. But it is possible to find love again. There are skills that most of us don't. And that's what I do, is teach people not only the day to day skills of how to date online, how to find people offline, how to connect with people in new ways, how to take risks, but it's really so much of an inside job as well.

It's really about just getting bolder. And I think for a lot of us, we do get bolder in midlife and beyond. We do. I, I find that, do you find that, that, that women get bolder also when it comes to dating, or is that like the one area that maybe they hold back still? I think a lot of them hold back, but I think a lot of them are just guarding themselves because they don't want to get hurt.

And so once we start taking responsibility for what we're putting out there and we realize that we really have more power than we think, then we don't put ourselves out into the dating world with this fear of rejection. And I hope I get picked, but I hope, I hope I like them. And if, if I don't, I have a fabulous life. Like I have created this fabulous life.

And so spend some time creating that fabulous life so that you're not depending on somebody else to make it up for you. You know, it's, it's a really important piece. That's a super important piece. Right? It's a whole different, I feel like it's a whole different thing when you have a great life and you just want someone to be able to like add to it. Like, then it's different.

I'm not, I'm not needy. I'm not needing you to make my life happy. I'm happy. I'm good. Because then from that place I feel like you're just, you're not gonna put up with things that don't align with who you want to be in a relationship. Would you agree with that? Exactly. And I think also learning the communication skills so that you don't throw people out as soon as you feel like, well, they're not aligned with my life, so go.

Goodbye. Right. I mean, I work with a lot of people in relationships who come to these crossroads and just like you do, you know, you find love again and you're older now and you're not trying to have children and you're not trying to build careers together. You're in a very different place in life. Yeah. So what's important to you and really getting clear about that. So, you know, person who has the willingness to work things through, the person who knows how to fight fair, the person who will communicate with you and, and is loving and kind and generous in many ways.

You can work through a lot of things that you may not have thought possible when you were younger, but it's important to know what those things are. What was that? Yeah. Are those the opportunities that you were speaking of earlier? Like, there's challenges and there's opportunities. Like, I feel like when you know yourself more, then isn't that an opportunity? Yeah, absolutely. You know, I think that you can also be kind when you let somebody down and say, this isn't working.

But I have a client right now who's at a crossroads. She's been dating a guy for six months and there are financial differences, huge gaps in finances, and she's trying to figure out if that's a deal breaker or not. And so she's not just throwing him out, she's saying, here's what I need to make this work. What do you need from me? Here's what I need from you.

And it's like a grown up conversation, which we don't really have when we're dating in our 20s and 30s. That's right. And I think that's a beautiful thing, you know, just. Yeah. Expressing what you need in the, like. Yeah. Just the communication pieces. And once you know what you want and you're able to confidently communicate that, you're certainly going to be able to make strides a little bit faster, I think, you know, and just feel more confident.

Okay, so you wrote a book called Love at Last. It's right over your shoulder. I see it. And right over here. Yeah. And this is the reason that I invited Sandy on the podcast. Because I wanted her to be able to share some of the stories from this book to give our listeners some hope that, like, love is all around us and it's available to us. And I just think stories really help cement the possibility in our lives.

So let's begin with. I want to begin with what is your favorite story from the book? I know I'm asking you to pick your children, pick your favorite child, but, like, what's the favorite one? There's a few favorites, but I love the story of Kelly and Ben. It's chapter 13, and the title of the chapter is from the Friend Zone to the Love Zone. And they met when she was still married.

And he's much younger. He was in his 20s, and she was in her 40s, I think. So it wasn't even something on her radar. It was just he. He looked to her like some homeless guy who is. And they live in New Zealand, too, so this sets the context because he was a sheep shearer. I remember when she was telling me in our interview, she was like, he.

Sheep. He was a sheep shearer. And I'm like, he's sharing sheep. Like, I really was like, what is. Who dates a sheep shearer anyway? He was also a musician. He was this very hippie is guy, and he belonged to their church. And so her marriage is kind of falling apart, but she's still married. She's homeschooling her kids. She's all. All about being a mom and she's writer. And they started to get to know each other just slowly as kind of family friends.

And then her marriage fell apart, she got divorced, and Ben kept being a better friend. But still, she never pictured anything romantic with him. Until one day, they both were going to go to this concert at a bar, and she had a crush on one of the guys in the band. And so he said, I'll be your wingman. And then she goes, I'll be your wing woman if you like somebody.

And, well, you know, we'll help each other. So turned out, he introduces her to the guy from the concert. She's totally bored. He's not. Not for her at all. And she and Ben are getting along really great. And the concert ends, and he goes over to the piano and he starts playing, and her heart is melting. And all of a sudden it's like she's starting to shift as she sees him.

And. And then he kisses her. And she said, it was absolutely not like kissing my brother. So you're out of the friend zone. Yeah, they were totally out of the friend zone. And what was interesting was he had two kids. He was never married, but he had two kids from two different women. She had like four kids from her husband. And so they were really like, if you looked on paper, they were so different.

But she says he is the most emotionally secure, emotionally intelligent man that she is. Has ever been with. He was incredible. And so most people wouldn't have given that a chance. And, and what I love so much about the story is that it came out of the blue and because they were both open and because they both just kind of lowered expectations and just let it happen, it happened.

And so I love that story. They're married today and they're very happy. That's amazing. What a great story. So do you find then that differences are a good thing versus a bad thing? They can be a good thing. I think that. I think there's a lot of scientific research that similarities are better in many ways. I think differences add to attraction and help with your sex life. For sure, you need both.

You need. You need a balance of both. But you definitely have to have similar values. And they did. You know, I think deep down they were much more similar than they knew before they started to get to know each other in this way. Yeah. And I think that really speaks to the point of you have to get to know someone. And not just this first glance. I find I have this thinking, it's just a thought that dating has become like.

Because we put so much information on dating profiles. It's almost like a job interview because you know so much about them before you even, like, sit down and just speak with an, like, this is. I'm getting to know another human being. Yeah. And so I think if you take it from that perspective and you're just curious about who they are and you're more open to possibility as opposed to, well, does he check all my boxes?

You know, like, you're going to have much more success. Yes. I'm actually writing a video script right now about lowering your expectations in dating. So this topic is on my mind because people come in with these expectations that they're going to be the one, and I hope that they're the one. And if they're not, it's a disappointment. And. And they have a whole checklist of must haves that are actually really unrealistic.

And so you do need standards. Right. But you'll also have much fewer bad dates if you come in with the attitude that you just described. It's one of the love lessons that I outline in my Book. Every chapter ends with love lessons that the couple learned along the way to help them. And a lot of people talked about the mindset and how to approach dating and being much more open and curious because that is so much the key.

Yes. I remember when I first started dating, who is now my husband, so he loves to fish. And I have never dated someone who fishes. And I told my good friend, I was like, he fishes. I don't know what to do with that. Like, I'm not a camper. I don't fish. I don't do any of that. I don't even hike. Like, that seems like hard work for me.

Okay. Yeah. I was like, I don't know what to do with that. And she's like, oh, that's so good. And I said, why is that good? And she goes, well, it means he's patient and he's able to spend time by himself. And just that simple reframe opened my mind to. Just because this is unfamiliar to me does not mean that it is bad. It's just something that's unfamiliar to me because it's not something that I do.

And I literally told him. I was like, hey, I'm doing a podcast interview. Don't come home because the dogs will bark and they'll be all excited. And he's like, no problem. I got my poles in the car. I'll just go drop a line and bring home dinner. Right. It works out beautifully. To be honest. I love it. Right. I. I knew somebody who had a similar story. She was dating this guy who was a sailor.

He loved being on his boat, and she hated being on the water. And there were a lot of reasons why they never would have dated had she known certain things about him. And through their met, they ended up getting married, but he. She ended up loving the water. And they. They moved to Mexico, and they had a boat on the water. Right. By their own. So, yeah, it's.

You never know. You never know. But also, it's okay if they have separate interests. It's actually good like most people. Right. You want to have somebody who's not clingy and on top of you all day, and you do all the same. I mean, look, some people love that, but I would die. Most people do not. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Can I share another quick story? Oh, please. Yes. So one of my favorites is.

Is chapter one, and it's CJ and Kara. They are. She was a client of mine. The chapter is called the Ice Cube that Finally Thawed. And so she called herself an ice cube. She had come from a very toxic marriage, and there was a lot of yelling and screaming and a lot of, like, walking out on arguments. And she just didn't think that it would be possible to find somebody.

And so she was also looking for big sparks, you know, like, because that was the nature of her relationship with her husband. Big sparks and also big fights. And so she didn't tell me one time, fire only burns hot. Yeah, that's a good one. And you need the ice cube to melt it. So she came to me after a therapist said to her, well, you're probably asexual, and that's why you're not attracted to anyone.

And she started crying, and she was like, I don't think I'm asexual. I don't know. And I said, I don't think you're asexual, but let me get to know you. So she wasn't asexual. She was afraid. And she didn't have the dating skills. And with the work we did together, she met this guy. He was smitten by her right away. And I think on day two, he tried to hold her hand, and she was like, get away from me.

Who do you think you are? You think. You think you're in a relationship with me? Like, she just was just like, you're moving too fast. And he was just super patient, you know, like your husband. He was a really patient guy. And he. He knew she was a gem, and he said, anything worth having is worth waiting for. And so I think on the third date, they went to a concert because I had told her, do something that will spark attraction.

Because she kept saying, I'm not attracted. I'm not attracted. They went to this concert. He offered to drive her. She's, no, I'm taking an Uber. I want an escape plan. I mean, she was shut down. Was an ice cube. Yes. And then by day four, with a lot, he just kept showing up for her. He took over a lot of the hard stuff for her. He planned well because she was overwhelmed with a lot of work.

And anyway, he plans this beautiful date. She has some alcohol. She gets a little liquid courage. He kisses her for the first time, and she completely melts. And she's attracted to him from that day on. They ended up moving in together really quickly because his house had mold and so he needed to move. And she's like, just move in here. He got along really beautifully with her children, and I just officiated their wedding.

And in Florida. Yeah, it was an incredible. And just seeing them together you would never have guessed that there was a lack of attraction. She is so attracted to him. But a lot of times we come in with these guards with these old beliefs, with a lot of fear, and she was able to melt. And I. I gave her. I made her a little plaque and this little graphic image, and I.

I had two ice cubes melting, and it said, you melt my heart. Oh, that's. Yeah. So I. The first time I got an invitation to a client's wedding, I was like. I was so excited. I was like, oh, my God. That's okay. I'm. I'm pretty sure I will never officiate a wedding, but I'm just thrilled to be invited to them when. When it happens. Okay, let's go with what is your most surprising or unexpected story from the book?

I think. And they didn't use their real name, so it was chapter 11, A and E. No Jay Z. And a chapter 5. Jay Z was a client of mine. She was just this lovely person who struggled to find her match because she was really special, really smart, really grounded, had done her work and just found disconnect with most of the people she was meeting. And when Covid restrictions opened up, she traveled to Italy with her friend.

And she had spent a lot of time in Italy when she was in grad school. So she spoke fluent Italian. She loved Italy. And their plans got messed up. She was supposed to stay, I think in Rome. Ended up in Tuscany. Went to this dinner party where this woman made these beautiful dinner parties. And she was just disappointed. It was like pouring rain. Really unhappy. The woman seats her next to this guy, and she describes it like they were in a bubble.

Like she couldn't stop talking to him the entire time. She felt bad she was ignoring the person on the other side of her. And afterwards, they exchanged information, emails. And he said, I'd love to continue talking so we can practice. I can practice Italian English, and you can practice your Italian. Right. So they. They had Skype sessions. And through the Skype sessions, it comes out that he has a partner, and she's coaching with me.

And she goes, I don't know if it's a business partner or a partner partner. I have to. I said, well, find out, you know, and find out what it means. So it turns out it is a partner he lives with who is also a business partner, but their relationship isn't very good, and it's kind of on the outs, but they don't talk about that right away. And she had to make a choice.

Do I want to Continue talking to him, knowing that I'm very attracted to him. I haven't felt this kind of connection ever. And she said, you know, it's worth the risk for me because I really enjoy him. So I'm just going to be open. And eventually, over a bunch of months, he and she met up again in Italy and she broke her foot. The minute she got to Italy, she fell and broke her foot.

So she's hobbling around in a boot, and they're staying in this beautiful place and it's raining, and he goes outside and he has this, like, epiphany that he has to leave his partner and be with her. He chose her. So, of course, it didn't happen overnight. It was a complicated, very painful thing. Yes. But fast forward. They are together and they. He's a tour guide, so he. They're together traveling, which was one of her passions, and going through Europe.

And she is so over the moon. She was one of those people who just didn't think it was going to happen for her because she was looking for a unicorn and she found it, and she found her unicorn. And of course she found it in Tuscany. My favorite. Exactly. Who knew, like, most people wouldn't have continued the conversation. Most people would have just said, this is ridiculous. He's in a partnership.

I don't want to. She's in another country. Right. In another country. Like, how realistic was that? Yeah. But she just had this sense we're connected, and I just. I'm loving our conversations. So wherever this goes is okay. It didn't just. She didn't have that agenda. That had to be a certain way. Yeah. I think that really speaks to leaving your mind open for possibility and not always trying to make love happen.

Like, you don't have to work so hard at it. It feels like pushing a boulder uphill to me. It feels like very constricting. Whereas when you just relax into it a little bit and you never know where you're going to meet someone. It could be at a random dinner party in Tuscany. Like. Yeah, yeah. Crazy ways. And a lot of times it was people who didn't go out with the intention to date.

They were showing up someplace where they enjoyed being there and like, another couple. She's a dancer, and so she loves to dance and went to a dance club in Manhattan and met her boyfriend there. But not with the intention of dating there. She just went with the intention of dancing to dance. Yeah, yeah. Love it. Yeah, yeah. Just hang out. Hang out in places that are. Where people are doing things that are interesting to you.

Yeah. Things that you love, things you have in common and, and don't attach to the outcome. It's that attachment, like you were just saying, that just feels like it's, it's like that pull. I'm trying to pull something out of this instead of allowing, which is a much healthier energy and much more attractive energy to be around for sure. Sandy, thank you so, so much for sharing these stories.

If you would like to hear more of these love stories, I would encourage you to go check out Love at Last. But where can people find you, Sandy? They can go to my website last first date dot com. There's tons of courses, books, blog posts, YouTube, podcasts, everything. You can find it all there. Perfect. All right, well, thank you so, so much for being here and just sharing these real life stories.

I think it just gives people hope about their future if they are feeling like maybe if I, if I decide to end my marriage, am I just going to be alone forever? And that's if, if that's not what you want to be true, it doesn't have to be true for you. So I genuinely appreciate you sharing these stories and sharing your wisdom with my community. Thank you so much.

Thank you, Sharon. If you're listening to this podcast because you're struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you're serious about finding that answer, it's time to book a truth and clarity session with a member of my team. On the call, we'll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there's a fit for you and I to work together so you can make and execute the right decision for you and your marriage.

Go to clarityformymarriage.com to fill out an application. Now that's clarityformymarriage.com.