Episode 97: Political Differences in Your Marriage

Welcome to the Loving Truth podcast, where it's all about finding clarity, confidence, and peace in the face of marriage challenges. And now your host, relationship expert, and certified master life coach, Sharon Pope. Hello, loves. This is Sharon Pope, and this is the loving truth. Today we're going to talk about something that I never thought I would be doing a podcast about because it's going to relate to politics.

It's not my favorite topic, I'll be honest, but political differences inside your marriage can cause a real disruption. Now, my perspective is obviously from a us based perspective, since that's where I live. But as I read and I listen to and hear about other people's perspectives, apparently we are not the only country that's in the middle of some kind of a political shit show. So here we are.

I want to talk to you today about what happens inside of a marriage and how to sort of protect yourself a little bit when you and your partner don't see eye to eye on politics. So relationships are more strained than they have ever been before. And now we're going to layer on political stuff, right? It used to just be like, the things that we would talk about related to politics were very economic based, which impacted both of us and our families.

So we usually saw that in a similar fashion. But now a lot of the conversation around politics are things like women's issues, which can feel very personal for women and men. And women obviously experience the world in very different ways. They move through the world in very different ways. And then there's topics like immigration and racial equality and things like that. Because we experience the world and move through the world differently, sometimes we see those things very differently.

Look, I will tell you, it is lovely when you and your partner agree on politics. My husband and I agree for the most part on politics, and I am grateful for that. But what happens when you don't agree? Does it mean the marriage has to end? Not necessarily. So that's what we're going to talk about today. I will often say, look, you and your partner do not have to be carbon copies of each other.

And I don't care if we're talking about hobbies or, you know, the way that you spend your time or the way that you spend your free time or your days or the way that you view the world. Like, you do not have to be carbon copies of each other in order for the marriage to feel good, but you do have to be respectful of the differences, and you have to be respectful of your partner.

That's the piece that has to be present in order to make it work. So, first, let's just begin with where do political views come from? Well, they come from the same place that our beliefs come from, the beliefs we carry about how we should be, about how other people should be. They come from our upbringing, our family of origin, our gender, of course, our experiences as we move through this life from when we were little up until now, our religion, the region we live in, and our ethnicity, those are the primary things that make up how we come to our beliefs and therefore, how we come to our political views.

Now, our political views represent our values and our beliefs, but also our priorities and our worldviews. And those things can change over time. Because we change over time. Life happens. We have a new experience. It changes our perspective. And so sometimes those things change. Like, maybe when the two of you came together 20 years ago, you really saw the world pretty similarly, and now you're starting to see things very differently, and that's causing some conflict in the relationship.

Those are the folks that I want to speak to here on this particular conversation. So what do you do when your views differ? I want to give you some very pragmatic tools that you can apply. So just like with all disagreements inside of our relationship, the place to begin is the same. And it's get curious about your partner. Don't go into criticizing. Don't go into trying to change them.

Don't tell them all the ways that they're wrong and you're right. None of that is going to serve you at all. But you can get curious, and you can ask really productive questions. Now, you cannot be curious with an underlying agenda so that you can get some answers, and then you can prove them wrong, and you can show them how you're right. Trying to get them to change their perspective, that's like, it's a little bit of manipulation that's going on there.

I'm talking about genuine curiosity of just. I have no feeling one way or the other about your answers. I just want to understand you better because you're my partner. Why wouldn't I want to understand you better? So asking questions like, how did you come to this position? Or, you know, what does this position, how does this position that you have, what does that mean for you as an individual?

How does that impact you? How does it impact our family? Those are pragmatic questions, and they're also very productive questions because it inspires sort of critical thinking. You can also ask, what are the values that you carry that led you to this? Or what are your life experiences that you've had that lead you to seeing this particular issue in this particular way, right? Those are productive questions. You might even say, how does this influence your day to day life?

Like, does it change how you make decisions? Or is it just something that. That's how you see it? So ask questions, get curious. Stop trying to change them. Stop trying to make them wrong. Criticism is going to get you nowhere. It's only going to heap on more troubles in the relationship. So let's not do that. Instead, you're allowed to keep your beliefs. Now, get curious about your partner's beliefs in the process, remain open and remain respectful, because criticism and contempt are two of the four primary predictors of divorce.

Criticism of, you're so stupid for believing this, right? Or contempt, which is a lot of hatefulness. Like, I don't even like you. I'm not even gonna treat you as though I like you, but I'm married to you. We know how that's going to end. So you can't bring that kind of energy. You need to be open, and you need to be respectful. And you can ask your partner, are they willing to do that as well?

So that they can understand your perspective. But I promise you, if you're not willing to do that for them, they're not going to be willing to do that for you. So someone's got to go first, so why not you? So you remain open. You be respectful. They don't have to think like you. They just see the world a little bit differently. That's all that's happening here, okay? It doesn't threaten you in any way.

You're still safe, and you're still able to keep your opinions based upon your life experience, okay? Now, when you feel yourself getting fired up, when you feel yourself getting ready to react, take a breath, maybe a couple breaths. If you don't have some kind of a breath practice or a meditation practice, well, this might be a good time to start one. And you might say, no, no, no, Sharon, I don't meditate.

It's easier. I'll just change my partner's mind about this. They're wrong. No, it's not easier, I promise you that, than going and sitting for ten minutes or 15 minutes a day by yourself in quiet, in stillness and noticing your breath going in and going out, going in and going out. You're calming your central nervous system so that you're not so reactive, so that you're not so tied to an outcome, so that you're not so committed to making everyone else who doesn't see things the way you see it.

Wrong. Okay. And silence sometimes can be really golden. Like, not everything needs to be reacted to. Not every question needs to be responded to. I get asked tons of questions that I don't respond to in my life. Right. So don't get baited. That's part of what that breath work practice can help you do is remain really grounded within yourself and not feel so threatened by other people who don't see things the same way that you do.

And then this is kind of a fun one if you consider yourself a lightworker. In the words of my friend Danielle Laporte, she said, look, we signed up for this. Lightworkers always go to where the shadow is. And I was like, good point. Good point. The shadow sometimes can be within ourselves. It can be in our marriages. It can be in our relationships. Like, it's okay. We're built for this.

This is what we were called to do. If you consider yourself a lightworker, which I do, but you don't have to. It's all good. Now, there are. Let's talk about the phases here. There's couples who see things very similarly from a political perspective. Lovely when that happens, like, marriage is hard enough. We don't need to heap on another challenge. But not everyone lives there. Then there's couples who see things differently, but they're very respectful of each other's opinions and differences.

It's okay. They let each other have those without trying to get the other to change. That also can be fine. It can be fine. Then there's people who see things very differently, but it's not respectful. Those are the people that can benefit from the tools that I'm giving you here. But I don't want to ignore that. Then there's also another group of people, albeit small, thankfully, where things start to get a little bit extreme and one partner starts to feel a little bit scared.

Right. Where maybe you saw things the same, or maybe you saw things similarly. And now one person has gone super extreme in one direction or another. And so some warning signs of this might be where they are exhibiting a lot of, like, eruptive anger, um, where they sort of, like, hang on and harp about something over and over, and it feels unnecessary, and you start to feel yourself getting a little bit frightened.

That is something to pay attention to. Another thing might be if they are spending another warning sign. Might be if they're spending a lot of alone time on the computer, in chat rooms, and they're making friends online, and then they're talking about it a lot. That's something to pay attention to, okay? Because this is how manipulation can take hold. And while I wish it wasn't true, and I don't think while there are some people out there doing it maliciously and very intentionally, many other people are not.

They just sort of got caught up in it, and they're trying to convince other people and bring them along, because we all want to feel like our decisions and our choices are the right ones, and we feel more justified when other people agree with us. So we try to bring other people along to see our perspective, and then it just becomes kind of bigger than just ourselves. So if that is happening, then I think you have two things that you can do.

Number one is when you're asking questions and you're trying to be curious, ask questions that require critical thinking on their part. So, for instance, the question about how does this impact, how does your perspective on this impact positively impact our family? That requires some critical thinking about how it's going to show up in our household, how it's going to impact us and the people we love. Right? So ask critical thinking type questions.

And then another thing that you might consider doing is getting into some kind of therapy. Now, this is not to change your partner and change their perspectives. That is not what it's for. Like, I'm going to go to a therapist, and they're going to change my partner from a Republican to a Democrat. That is not what I'm talking about, people. But I'm talking about having a safe space for both of you to be able to express yourselves and learn how to communicate through challenging differences between you.

That could be helpful in the very extreme cases, okay? But most of when we just disagree comes down to, how can we be respectful of one another? How can I keep my perspective and not feel so threatened and allow you to have your perspective? Because free will, my friends, is not going anywhere. And it's also a beautiful thing. But for some reason, we think we're supposed to get everyone to believe like we believe and think like we think and see it the way we see it.

And that has never been true in the history of creation. Like, look around. So we're all allowed to have our different perspectives. How do we coexist on this planet amongst those different perspectives? We have to be able to do that, right? So people of all different parties right now are starting to have negative views of anyone in the opposing party or parties, anyone who doesn't think the way they think or see things the way that they see it.

The level of negative emotion towards someone else, including your partner, has escalated. It doesn't have to. If you're in charge of your experience and you're approaching it from a very conscious perspective now, right now, we are preferring to like. In general, we avoid people who don't think like us. Well, what happens when you're sleeping twelve inches from someone who doesn't think like you? It's really hard to avoid them.

And so what do we do? We start shutting down and we just disconnect from them. We push them away. We put up a big wall, and we know how that story's going to end. So that can't be the answer either. There's one of my favorite sayings, that if you would be different, I would feel better. And that's what's happening here, is if you would think differently, if you would see this differently, I would feel better about you.

I would feel better about our marriage. I would feel more ready to open up to you. I would feel closer to you. My friends, take your power back. No one is in charge of how you feel. You could feel today positive, hopefully energetic. And you don't need anyone's permission. And no one needs to think any differently. But you just keep using that as an excuse to feel bad.

I want you to take your power back, and you get in charge of how you feel. No one else needs to cosign on that, and no one else needs to change for that to be able to be a possibility for you. Every adulthood has free will. Every adult gets to do whatever they want to do. Stay in your lane. Right? You can think however you think, and so can your partner.

Right? So let them have that. Because you can disagree on things as a couple. You know you can. Because there are plenty of things that you have probably disagreed on in your time together that you didn't see things the same way, the way that you might parent, the way that you might handle finances. There are things that you have disagreed on. But because you are able to be respectful through those things, you are able to remain a connected couple.

This is no different. Okay? Respect has to be there. You don't have to be carbon copies, but you do have to be respectful, and that's how you can get through this. And a marriage doesn't have to crumble when political views don't align. All right? I hope genuinely, that that is helpful for you. I also hope that in future years, I don't have to keep having conversations like this.

You know, ten years ago, I never had conversations with someone about the challenge in my marriage is the difference in our political views. And it wasn't that everyone saw everything eye to eye. It just meant we were able to be more respectful a while ago than we are today. So if we can get back to a respectful place, then our marriages don't have to end just because we share different views.

Okay, I hope that is helpful for you right now. Until next time, take really good care. If you're listening to this podcast because you're struggling to decide whether to stay or go in your marriage and you're serious about finding that answer, it's time to book a truth and clarity session with a member of my team. On the call, we'll discuss where you are in your marriage and explore if there's a fit for you and I to work together so you can make and execute the right decision for you and your marriage.

Go to clarityformymarriage.com to fill out an application. Now that's clarityformymarriage.com.